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And those eyes. They were what drew her. A richer blue than hers, a gorgeous contrast to his dark hair that was so long it skimmed his shoulders. But it was the way he smiled at her that had sucked her in.
It was genuine.
That night they hooked up. And then every other night for weeks when he wasn’t out of town for gigs.
Eventually, he begged her to join him when his band traveled. At twenty, sex and love seemed more important than a steady job. So, she agreed and gave up her job, moved into his apartment with him and whenever he was on the road, she went along.
Everything was fun until reality began to set in. She ignored his excessive drinking and drug use since she figured that was normal for guys who played rock and roll. While she drank and smoked, plus partook in a little pot herself, as the months went along, he began to do it more excessively. Even after voicing her concerns, he blew her off by saying he was fine and had everything under control.
Then at twenty-one, she found out she was pregnant. She stopped smoking and drinking and begged Kellan to stop, too.
He promised he would. And he did for a while, then he’d fall into old habits when he’d go back on the road, leaving her and Kade at home.
When it got bad, she’d threaten to leave, and he’d clean up his act once again.
For a while.
It never stuck.
Eventually, she changed the locks and filed for divorce, not wanting Kade to be raised around a bad influence. She didn’t want her son believing that being falling down drunk and so stoned you barely functioned was normal.
When he was served with divorce papers, he swore he’d clean up his act and go to rehab. He wanted back in the house and in his family’s life. She told him she was not accepting him back until he was clean and sober for at least six months.
Even so, he somehow convinced the judge to allow him unsupervised visits while they were separated. Probably showed him his chip for being thirty days sober. The same one he showed her when he promised he was sober and on the path to coming back home.
But he lied.
He. Fucking. Lied.
Like so many addicts do.
He lied to get what he wanted. Which was time with his son.
Kade loved his father, loved spending time with him. But it still worried her every time she had no choice but to let him go. She knew Kellan loved their son and would never purposely hurt him. She had to hang on to that fact when Kellan would pick him up for the two days a week he had fought for.
But she worried. And her gut instinct was right.
Kade had texted her pictures of him and his father in a jon boat on the Susquehanna River, one he’d borrowed from another band member. Her son had the biggest smile on his face when she received the picture of him holding his “monster” catch of a tiny catfish. The first fish he ever caught besides a sunfish.
It turned out to be his last.
What wasn’t caught in any of those pictures was the twelve pack Kellan had taken along.
What wasn’t caught in those pictures was the fact that Kellan had no experience in taking a boat out on his own, a fact he forgot to mention and was important since the Susquehanna River was so dangerous.
What wasn’t caught in those pictures was the fact that the river was very high and rushing more than normal. Or how close they were to the Dock Street Dam near Harrisburg. Or that even though Kellan had thrown the anchor, he hadn’t realized the boat was drifting down river.
Until it was too late.
That dam had claimed too many lives.
Including her son’s.
And his father’s.
She didn’t need the toxicology report to know why.
No, she knew. Even though she was told there were several circumstances for the accident besides him being drunk.
But she didn’t care about the rest of the reasons.
It didn’t matter.
All she knew was, she never should have let Kade go.
In the end, it was her fault for allowing it.
Even her mother agreed.
“I never should have let him go. Never. It’s just as much my fault. I should’ve known he’d been lying to me. Lying to everyone. That he hadn’t stopped drinking. He only learned to hide it better.”
“This won’t begin to cover it, but gotta say it. First, your mother can fuck off. None of us are perfect, especially her, because I remember her. Even so, we all fuck up, Stella. Do shit we regret. Shit we wish we could take back or have a chance to do all over again. However, you can’t blame yourself for what happened.”
He could say it but that didn’t make it true.
