Page 109 of Perfect Satisfaction

But it will take more than cake, a Harvard T-shirt, and a mortar board to fix this. It’s going to take bearing my soul and admitting I was wrong. Something I should have done well before now.

CHAPTERFIFTY-SIX

Ancient Romans are generally credited with developing the wicked candle before the Ancient Egyptians (c. 3000 BC) by dipping rolled papyrus repeatedly in melted tallow or beeswax.

Research indicates they used candles to light their homes, to aid night travel, and in religious ceremonies.

In other words, they used candles to help their hearts find their way home.

—StellaNova

Hours after I should be lying next to Arek,I wander into the kitchen in my old Harvard T-shirt and sleep shorts.

I find the lighter next to the candles and relight them all. There are so many it makes my heart feel brutalized by the moments I canted out earlier like an auctioneer. “You were trying to be sweet, but if I let you in, I won’t survive.”

Carefully slipping the mortarboard on my head, I let my tears flow. Closing my eyes, I do something I haven’t done in years. I let the feelings I’ve held bottled in flow out. “Why not? One for each candle.”

I whisper over the first candle, “I wish you knew I graduated summa cum laude.”

“Both times.” I pucker my lips.

“Neither time meant anything. A means to an end.” Another puff of air.

“I never walked at Harvard. They mailed my degree.” Another confession.

“This is the sweetest thing anyone did to help me celebrate.” Poof.

“You look at me, but you don’t see I could never have hurt you.” I lean over and blow out a candle.

“Why did you never come after me?” Another light extinguished.

“I sought out the truth. Iknow. Yet...I still love you.” The rest of the sentence is rushed out before getting trapped in my heart as the next candle flickers out.

“It hurts when you treat me like...” I can’t finish that one. I just lean over and blow out a candle.

“You’re a part of me. Now. Always.” Another down.

“But you never let me in, did you?” Blow.

“I can’t escape this loneliness I was raised in.” More air.

“You taught me what love was.” Whoosh.

“But all I’m worth to you is money. That’s nothing new.” I’m not certain if air or tears douse that light.

“I have to let you go. I have no choice.” As I’m about to blow out the last candle, fingers reach over and snatch it away from me. My head snaps up and I meet Arek’s eyes over the tiny flickering light.

They’re red-rimmed. He says hoarsely, “I wish we could go back.”

“We can’t.” My voice trembles. I brace for the emotional blow I know is coming.

He nods. Then he licks his fingers before extinguishing the light. Dropping the candle on the counter, he holds out his hand. I place mine into it.

We can’t go back, but we can move forward.

Eventually, what we had will be over.

Extinguished.