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I’d been weak. So, so weak. I’d let her get close to me, I’d fallen for her, and now I was having stupid ideas, ideas like a family! I knew what that sort of thing led to. A woman made you vulnerable. A child, doubly so. I’d been blinded by emotion, but now, alone with time to think, I could see it. I was risking everything I’d built, everything I’d promised them, that night.
A noise, behind me. I turned to see her standing there in just her panties and a sheet, the thin material wound around her like a toga, the moonlight painting her pale skin silver. God, she was beautiful. For a second, I just wanted to tell her everything was okay and go back to bed with her. I could feel myself weakening. This is why I can’t be around her!
“What’s going on?” she asked. “Why are you dressed? It’s the middle of the night!”
I couldn’t explain. I shook my head.
She stepped closer and took my hand. “What is it? Talk to me!”
I wanted to. I wanted to share everything with her. But I can’t talk about what happened that night. And the more I opened up to her, the closer we got, the harder this would be. If I didn’t want history to repeat, there was only one thing I could do.
“Christina,” I began, looking at the floor, “I think—I can’t be with you.”
She drew in her breath. She shook her head in denial, but, as soon as I looked up and she saw my expression, she knew it was true. She dropped my hand as if scalded. “You’re breaking up with me?!”
I started to say no... but I couldn’t.
“Now?” she asked, incredulous. “In the middle of the—After we just—”
I cursed. I had no idea how to do this, I only knew it had to be done. “Victoria can help you pack,” I offered. “Grigory will take you anywhere you want to go—”
But she gave a hurt little cry and I stopped talking—I was just making it worse. “Christina,” I said, reaching for her.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “No.” And then she was off and running, down the stairs and into the hallway, and then the howl of the wind rose as she threw open the door and ran outside.
Shit! Should I go after her? Not go after her? I had no idea how to deal with something like this.
Then I realized where she was going, and how much danger she was in.
And I bolted down the stairs and ran after her into the storm.
47
Hailey
WHEN I GOT OUTSIDE, the wind was so strong it made me stumble sideways. It stole my breath and tried to rip the sheet away from me. But I regained my balance and staggered on into the darkness. If I lost myself thoroughly enough in the undergrowth, maybe the truth wouldn’t find me.
The wind made the long grass ripple: it felt like I was running through the surf, out into the ocean. The storm had already stripped the last of the leaves from the trees, turning them into dark-boned skeletons. They creaked and groaned in agony as their branches were bent further and further, finally snapping and pinwheeling across the ground.
I raced into the glasshouse. It was sheltered, there, but the howl was replaced by a high-pitched whistle as the wind tried to force its way in through a thousand tiny cracks. It reminded me of Maxsim’s drill and I pressed my hand protectively against my cheek as my tooth started throbbing again.
I pulled the sheet tighter around me for warmth as I walked down towards the far end of the glasshouse. I didn’t have a plan. I just wanted to hide, to put off the inevitable for as long as possible—
The door opened. “Christina!” Konstantin’s voice.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t face him. I pushed on into the shadows. I heard him cursing, trying to close the door, but the wind kept sucking it out of his hand and he gave up. “Christina!”
I kept moving, but then I reached the glass wall at the end of the room and the moonlight lit me up. I heard him run forward as he saw me and I had no choice: I turned around.
I hadn’t realized that I’d started crying but I could feel the hot tears running down my cheeks. “Why?” I blurted. “Why... now? Just when we were—”
He sighed, exasperated. But not at me, at himself. “That’s not what we are, Christina. You and me, we’ve never been that. Both of us just forgot, for a while.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair and I glimpsed the scar on his forehead. “You always understood before!”
I shook my head. “Well I don’t understand now.”
The wind rose outside, the whistling rising in pitch and then dropping as it changed direction. Konstantin looked up, worried. “Please, Christina! It’s dangerous in here.”
