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The fear that she’s going to forget me.
All I’ve thought about is Autumn. I can’t call her. We’re not allowed cell phones out here, and even if I could get to our satellite phone, I know my father will find out I’ve made contact with her.
I don’t know why he’s so adamant that I can’t speak to her. I know he wouldn’t agree with our friendship, but to push us apart like this has become painful.
It’s like going cold turkey, and I’m struggling. Each day is worse than the last. I want to leave, to walk out, but I’m focused, I need to complete this to show my father I’ve done his bidding, and he can release me from this shitshow. Even though I should’ve given up a long time ago, I want to see it through.
As much as I wanted to leave, I’ve been giving the training my all. My focus is a tunnel to the end. I know once this is all over, and it’s out of the way, I’ll be stronger for it. And I know my girl will be waiting on the other side.
Grim’s not here today; he’s out training, which has given me time to think. To consider what I’m going to do once I see my father and tell him I’m done. Over the past six months, I've become more certain about what I want. Her. If my father’s reasoning behind this was to make me see she wasn’t for me, then he did himself a disservice because he’s only solidified my feelings. I don’t want this life. I’ve had it, and it’s not for me.
The moment I step foot off the plane at John F. Kennedy, I’m going to call Jackson and speak to him. I know I’ll be an asset to Cole Security, and I’m going to make sure he knows it.
After completing my training, I’m certain he will hire me. Once I’ve secured a job, I’ll be able to give Autumn the life she deserves. And I’ll hopefully be able to prove to her mother that I’m here to stay.
My chest aches. The memories haunt me here more than they would if I were at home. I’m too far to keep her safe. Leaning my head against the wall, I stare at the emptiness of the group sleeping quarters. In a few hours, I’ll need to be alert for the next part of the training, but I’m not in it one hundred percent.
My focus is fucked. I push off the bed and head out into the shared galley, hoping to find some form of caffeine. Living like this has been eye-opening. I got so used to being in our pristine home where everything was done for me, but being here has proved to me that I’m capable of living without my father’s money, and without the comforts I’d gotten used to.
I don’t need the wealth that comes with being a Montagu. It’s the one thing he’s held over my head. As much as I know it would be great to have my inheritance to buy a house for Autumn and me, I’m not going to be his lapdog anymore.
It’s my life, and if he can’t accept it, then he may as well disown me. I know my father works for the government, going undercover. And I know he’s capable of making my life hell if he wants to. He has connections, and all I have is the love of a girl.
I wish we had a coffee machine, but the setup is basic at best. Water. We’re allowed some good old H2O if we’re thirsty, and coffee with breakfast.
I miss my freedom. But more so, I miss my girl. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out here without hearing her voice or seeing her smile.
“Hey man,” Grim grunts as he enters the galley, he’s already showered. It’s not yet six, but soon enough, we’ll all have to be ready for what the day ahead has in store for us.
“Hey.”
“Can’t sleep?” he asks, grabbing a cup to get some water as I sip mine. I shake my head. “Missing your girl back home?” He quirks a brow, his gaze locked on me.
“How did you know?”
“You’ve been good, strong while you’ve been training, but I can see it in your face every day.” He smiles. Shaking his head, he tells me, “Some of them wait for you, others . . .” His words taper off, and I know what he wanted to say. Some girls don’t wait, they move on.
I know for a fact that Autumn won’t move on. “It’s been too long. I mean, I am sure she’s missing me as much as I miss her, but there are times I realize that I can never expect her to wait. I mean, I’ve been gone for so long without a word.”
