“He doesn’t have antlers yet. ” I rub the top of the calf’s head.
The animal nuzzles into my upper thigh, craning his neck so his nose is lined up with my crotch. Is he sniffing me like a dog would? I turn my body and cross my leg, giving my crotch some privacy from the animal.
“The sign said he’d grow antlers soon.” Lacee pets the top of the deer, but it walks away from her, coming around to smell my backside.
It shoves its nose where no nose should ever be.
“Whoa!” I lift onto my toes as the animal’s snout bumps into my butt.
Laughter spills out of Lacee as she watches me try and get away from the reindeer, but Blitzen can’t be deterred. He slowly follows after me, diving his nose into my crotch again. “I promise I showered this morning.”
“Sure you did.”
“Go find your friends.” I gently push the reindeer away.
Lacee’s entire face is bursting with amusement. “Do you want me to give you a second alone with Blitzen?”
“No, I don’t. I’ve never felt more violated in my entire life.” I know sniffing butts and crotches is normal animal behavior. It’s nature. The reindeer is gathering intel on me, but I don’t like it. Blitzen is so far up in my grill that if I forcefully pushed him away, it would look like animal cruelty. I’ve never been more embarrassed in front of a woman in my entire life. I straighten, shooting Lacee a self-conscious chuckle. “I guess I’ll just let him do his thing.”
“Maybe he’s just hungry and looking for food.”
“In my crotch?”
Her smile is so big and animated right now italmostmakes this reindeer interrogation worth it.
“Here.” She holds her palm out in front of me, dropping some reindeer food into my hand. “Try feeding him.”
“I don’t want to feed him.” I frown, looking down at his head in my business. “I’d be rewarding his behavior.”
“You would not. Besides, this is why we’re here. I’m giving you the Christmas experience of a lifetime.”
“Is this part of the Christmas experience?” I gesture to Blitzen’s head. “A reindeer in my crotch?”
“Only for you.” She laughs.
“Okay, little buddy.” I push him away and crouch down in front of him. “Let’s see if you’re hungry.”
Behind us, two cars backing up in the busy parking lot hit each other, creating a loud crashing sound. We turn our heads to the noise right when baby Blitzen gets spooked. The reindeer pounces on me, knocking me over. I’m flattened to my back with two hooves pressed against my chest. And to make matters worse, the reindeer is rearing his head over my body. There are gasps and screams all around me, but I can’t focus on them. I’m too busy wrestling freaking Blitzen—who I hate, by the way. I grab the animal’s collar, trying to control it, but it pulls away, hopping off my chest, and suddenly I’m being dragged across the ground as the reindeer runs for freedom. Cold snow hits me in the face. It fills my mouth, covers my eyes, and funnels down my shirt.
One second ago, I was the idiot getting frisked by the animal. Now, I’m the idiot who let a baby reindeer tackle him and drag him around.
My free hand swipes at Blitzen's feet, trying to trip him.
Yes, I’m trying totripone of Santa’s reindeer.
“Park!” I can hear Lacee’s voice, but I can’t see her over the snow flying in my face. “Let go!” she yells.
Let go?
There’s no way the solution can be that simple. In my line of work, you have to fight and wrestle til the bitter end or shoot somebody. But I can’t kill Blitzen. Especially right before Christmas. I’d be the most hated man in the world. If only I had a taser gun to take down the wild beast.
“Let go!” Lacee yells again.
I do what she says because nothing I’ve done has worked. I open my hand, releasing my fingers from the reindeer’s collar, and suddenly, my momentum stops.
The solutionwasthat simple.
I roll to my back, brushing the snow off my face.
