I can’t breathe. It’s like there’s something wrong with my lungs, and my chest, and my freaking heart.
“You know”—I suddenly stand—“I think I’ll go to the restroom before the play starts.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” I know he’s asking because he’d rather die than be left here all alone with my family.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll be right back.”
I feel my mom’s eyes on me as I exit the family room. I pass the bathroom and head straight to the stairs, taking them two at a time until I am upstairs in my old bedroom. I flip on the lights and pace the room. There are pictures of me and my sisters growing up and a few of me and Vivian. I stop and stare at one picture in particular. It’s of Vivian and me on the last day of ninth grade. We were so young and naive about love back then. It was easy to be that way. We didn’t know the mess life would throw at us like falling in love with twin brothers. I brush my hand over the photo, wishing I could go back to that time when love and happily ever afters were simple. Fifteen-year-old Summer stares back at me, jogging my memory, and I’m suddenly digging through my drawers, searching for my old journal and the list of qualities I wanted in a husband that I wrote out long ago, before I knew Justin and Caleb, before my heart and mind were confused—back when falling in love was simple.
I toss old clothes and knick-knacks aside, desperate to find the book, as if that one list holds the answers to all my problems. At the bottom, under everything else, I see a glimpse of the blue book with sheep jumping over the moon. I pull it out, flipping to the back, to the page that I started when I was fourteen, after my friend’s mom told me and Vivian that if we wanted to find the man of our dreams, we needed to start making a list of what we were looking for. My desire to grow up and get married led me to go straight home and start thinking of things. Unlike Vivian, who wrote down every single positive trait out there, I only added qualities that were really important to me. And each year, as I got older, I would add a new item that I discovered meant a lot to me, either from watching my sisters date or from dating boys in high school.
It’s been ten years since I’ve read the list.
I can’t even remember what’s on it, but the second I turn to it, I see written in big, bolded letters:My Future Husband.I smile as I trace the words and my cutesy teenage handwriting.
1. Handsome.
2. Makes me laugh.
3. Makes me want to be a better person.
4. Is happy and makes me happy.
5. The life of the party.
6. Adventurous.
7. Kind and thoughtful.
8. Loves my family and they love him.
9. Very, very rich.
I think item number nine was heavily driven by my teenage immaturity, but everything else holds true to what I really want. And by the time I get to the last item, a single tear trickles down my cheek.
10. Adores me and tells people he adores me.
Somewhere over the years, I lost sight of the things that really matter to me in a partner. My mom is right. I have been settling for the last few years, dating anyone that I could so that I didn’t have to be alone. Then I found Justin, and I thought that he was everything I was looking for. I’d finally found my happily ever after. I wanted it so badly that I convinced myself our problems were temporary. I even convinced myself that I was happy. But I’m not happy—not with Justin anyway.
When I look at this list, I don’t think of Justin.
I think of Caleb.
I mean, they’re identical twins, so item number one is pretty well covered either way, but Caleb is the one who makes me laugh and challenges me to be better. His enthusiasm for life is contagious, and he’s always the first one to turn any activity into a party. Sometimes, he’s more adventurous than I can even keep up with, but I like that he pushes me to try new things. He’s always thinking of me and remembers what I like or what I’ve said. My family likes him better than me, and I’m pretty sure Caleb is fond of them too.
But the most important one is that he adores me. I can see it in the way he smiles when I do something silly or immature and feel it in his sweet touches, but it’s how he says it so boldly and out loud without shame that really lets me know how he feels.
I forgot that I wanted that in a man.
Or maybe I gave up thinking that actually existed.
But it does exist, and it’s what I want.
Up until this moment, I haven’t allowed myself to really think about what I really want. Because what I wanted seemed wrong. You can’t fall for your boyfriend’s twin brother. It’s a cardinal sin—the number one rule when it comes to love and family relationships. Falling for your boyfriend’s twin is crazy, but Caleb has convinced me I want crazy. I don’t want a good enough relationship with Justin. I want wild and exciting. Because that’s how love should be. And I’ve finally woken up and realized it.
thirty-nine
SUMMER
