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When she raises her head, her eyes well with more tears. I blink and more fall from mine.
I lace both of my fingers with hers. “You will have babies. You can save your eggs, and if anything happens, I’ll carry your child, as many as you want.” We’re all crying, and I cradle these promises. I know it’s not the exact same as experiencing childbirth herself, but it’s as close as I can give her. “They’ll have your features. You’ll hold them in your arms, and you’ll watch them grow big and strong.”
Daisy is somewhere between another sob and a fractured smile. “Are you sure, Rose?”
Poppy rubs her eyes. She won’t have another child, not even as a surrogate. Her morning sickness put her in the hospital for a few weeks. After Maria, she said she’d never have another. Because of the adverse affects pregnancy has on Lily’s addiction, Daisy wouldn’t want Lily to carry a baby for her.
Even if I wasn’t the only option, I’d be the first to volunteer.
“My uterus is all yours,” I tell her. “Whenever you want one, I’m ready.” I’ve always been good at sharing with my sisters. This is no different to me.
Daisy lets go of my hands and hugs me first. My shoulders and arms are still stiff, but I try to reciprocate the hug like Lily would.
“Thank you,” she breathes.
“I love you,” I say, running my fingers through her hair. Lily and Poppy join our hug, expressing the same sentiment, and very shortly, we’re all piled together, tear-streaked, mascara running, the paths of our lives veering just a little to follow our sister. And never leave her alone.
[ 50 ]
ROSE COBALT
We linger on the dock, sticking our feet into the water and chat about everything and anything. Daisy laughs when Lily describes snuggling with a can of bear spray after Loren rejected her bear-barricade idea.
Lily’s eyes widen comically. “If a bear can bulldoze through a stack of chairs, then none of us are safe. Think about it.”
“There’s an ax in my room,” I tell Lily. “I’d decapitate that motherfucking bear.”
Daisy kicks her feet in the water, a smile lifting her lips. “There are two wolves in my room, so I’m safe.”
Poppy raises her hands in surrender. “I’m not hurting the bear. If by bad luck one stumbles in my room, Sam would help me leer it out.”
I scoff. “With what?”
“Honey,” Daisy pipes in.
Lily nods. “Pooh.” She reddens. “I mean Pooh Bear…” She scrunches her face. “Wait…I don’t mean how that sounds. I mean—”
“We know,” I cut off this train wreck. “Winnie the Pooh.”
She nods again, more confidently. “Yes. Pooh Bear. He likes honey, so if we leave jars thirty miles away, maybe they won’t come near us.”
I want to point out that no one has even seen a bear yet, but Poppy stretches to look at Daisy beside me. “Daisy?”
“Yeah?” Daisy gives her a smile, to show she’s better. I can’t tell how forced it is, but I’d like to think she’s truly not as morose as before.
“Have you ever thought about taking a break…like I did with Sam?” she wonders. “I just wanted to know your thoughts on it.”
Before Daisy speaks, I hear the whoosh of the sliding glass door. We all turn our heads at the same time, and our husbands and Daisy’s boyfriend collect onto the second-story deck. Loren opens the grill, and none of them intrude yet, just cooking and talking amongst each other.
“I have imagined it,” Daisy admits, “but it’s not like you think.” She splashes the lake with her feet. “Every time I picture being alone, I’m traveling backwards to where I once was. I wasn’t happy back then.”
“When were you happiest?” Poppy asks.
Daisy smiles fully as she thinks about it. “The moment I started filling my time with him. I no longer did these fun things by myself. He surfed with me. He snorkeled with me. He jumped off cliffs with me. I had a friend. A real friend. I’ve learned more about myself, about my likes and dislikes and my limitations and my expectations, in the company of Ryke than I have all the years I spent alone. And I don’t want to go back.”
I wrap my arm around her waist. “There is nowhere that says once you have a friend, boyfriend, or husband, you lose your independence. They’re not mutually exclusive, and we should all be allowed to have both.” No matter what age.
Poppy nods, more understanding of this notion. “I agree.”
Daisy inhales deeply, staring at the sky. “Some days I can’t even imagine being a year older, and then other days, all I see is the far off future.”
“I better still have a sense of style in your future,” I tell her. “If I’m wearing an oversized poncho, the world has really gone to hell.”
Everyone laughs, and not long after, we all stand together. Daisy holds my hand while we head up the hill, the smell of burgers wafting towards us. We climb the deck steps and reach the top where everyone has gathered. Willow and Garrison sit beside each other on rocking chairs, nursing cans of Fizz Life.
I’m about to approach them when Connor cuts off my stride, Jane on his hip. “Ça a été?” How did it go?
Ryke informed him, I presume. In the corner of my eye, I see Daisy and Ryke reuniting by the grill. He hugs her with a great deal of support and affection, his love for her so apparent.
Connor tries to remove my smudged mascara with his thumb. I focus back on him. “I’m going to have her baby if she can’t carry one.”
He’s not at all surprised or reluctant of this idea. He agrees with the plan. I see it in his genuine smile. And he says, “You’re a strong woman.”
I’ve been dealt a fuller set of cards than the ones passed to Lily and Daisy. They’re just as strong, if not stronger. I’ve always been here as extra reinforcement, and however old we become, however gray we are, that won’t ever change.
[ 51 ]
ROSE COBALT
“Respirez profondément,” Connor whispers in my ear. Take deep breaths.
I have imprisoned oxygen in my lungs. My brain is highly aware of what Connor’s brain wants to do. We’re leaving the lake house tomorrow, and so it’s not
crazy to believe that he wants to push a boundary of ours. I think out of all the trips we’ve ever taken together, we do something “out of the ordinary” near the end.
Like the Alps. I lost my virginity before we left.
Like our honeymoon in Bora Bora. We had sex in a beach cabana the day before our flight home.
And you loved both of those and all the others, Rose.
That knowledge barely extinguishes my anxiety.
I lie on my stomach, and he leans forward, collecting my damp hair off my shoulder and gaining access to the nape of my neck. He kisses my sensitive skin, my body thrumming from the hour of foreplay—already wet, already ready for another climax. I realize all of this, but…even using plugs for weeks, I doubt whether Connor in my ass will be anything other than excruciating.
“Get out of your head, Rose.” He spanks my ass, and I exhale a tighter breath. Then he picks his weight off me.
I look over my shoulder. Completely naked like me, he straddles my thighs that are pressed together, my body supine like I’m just sleeping on my stomach, at peace. He fits a pillow beneath my hipbones, lifting up my bottom for his possession.
“Just relax.”
Relax. It’s not that easy for my high-strung, neurotic mind. I try to focus on him: his confidence that consumes the room and says this will be pleasurable for you, Rose; his carved biceps and infuriatingly defined abs, muscles pointing to his erect cock.
And his knees are on either side of my body—it’s an image I’ve masturbated to as a teenager. I can’t deny this, but in my fantasy, there was no anal sex at play.
“Shh,” he breathes, his lips rising.
“Shushing me isn’t going to help, Richard,” I mutter.
“Je connais toutes les façons de vous aider. Croyez-moi.” I know all the ways to help you. Believe me.
Believe him? Trust him? I watch as he rakes my body with his gaze and a slow, desirous hand, drawing the curve of my frame with his palm. My nerves spark beneath his touch, and my legs tremble a little.
I swallow some reservations, knowing that he’ll pull out if I even momentarily show signs of struggle.
