Josh pushes me off of him, sitting up. His breath is coming in short spurts. I can't tell if he's out of breath because I knocked the wind out of him or if he's that upset with me. "Of course I did. You meant a lot to me. I loved you. I told you that. I'd never said it to anyone before."
"Me neither. And I haven't said it to anyone since."
"I'm sure you haven't had time to."
I deserve that. "You know, I was fired like two months ago. I've had some free time. I tried dating. I don't think Tinder is the place for me."
Josh laughs, giving me a quick glance at that smile that melted my heart so long ago. He stands up and extends a hand down to me. I take it, accepting his help as he pulls me to my feet.
"I don't think Tinder is the place for most decent human beings."
I look at him for a minute, not wanting to let go of his hand. Not wanting this moment between us to end. I need to do something—anything—to preserve this tiny little bit of the thing that used to be between us.
"Josh," I blurt. "I had an eating disorder. That's why I was at camp. My parents thought if I didn't have to put on a leotard every day and be in the room with people who constantly judged me on my appearance, I'd get better. If I wasn't so focused on ballet, I'd stop obsessing about what I put in my body."
He drops my hand but doesn't step away. "Did it help?"
I bow my head, looking at my feet. I've never told anyone this before. It's a very private, very shameful thing. "I think it did. For a while at least." I raise my head to look at him again. "Because you fell in love with me. I had to be worthy of something. I carried that with me for a long time. You helped me heal."
"So knowing I loved you gave you confidence and strength and made you whole?" That muscle is tense in his jaw again.
I nod, unsure of where he's going with this.
"Then how did you think it would make me feel for you to no longer love me?"
Chapter 12: Josh
I… I didn't think about that," she stammers.
"You didn't think about me at all."
I needed her so much, and I never crossed her mind.
"I thought about you all the time. I thought about your smile and your laugh and your hands on my body."
I don't believe you.
Her words are bringing images to my head that I want to stay dead and buried. I close my eyes, trying to will them away. Trying to willheraway.
"Josh." She reaches out, touching my arm. "Josh, I wasn't well. I wasn't in a place to give you back what you deserved. You deserved so much more than me. I could never give you back all those things you gave me."
I shrug. "You could have tried. I needed you. I needed a friend."
After the accident, I was so lost. There was so much pain. I was convinced that Leslie would help me through it. But she wasn't there for me. She didn't care about me. But then I think about what she just told me and something in my heart breaks a little for her. She wasn't trying to hurt me. She wasn't even lashing out. She was just … broken herself.
It's hard for broken pieces to put someone else back together.
I put my other hand over hers, sandwiching it between my arm and my palm. "Listen, it's the past. It really is. We were both kids. I'm not foolish enough to think that what we had at sixteen would last us forever or anything like that. I'm not the same person I was back then." I squeeze her hand slightly. "I'm the new and improved version."
"I'm not sure who I am, but I don't know if I can use the word 'improved' quite yet."
One more squeeze and then I drop both my hands. "You need to figure that out. You'll never be happy until you do. Now, were you coming or going from lunch?"
She gives me a watery smile. "I still need to eat. I ran out because Gloria made a comment that hit close to home. She saw through me. The eating stuff."
"Is it still an issue?" I try to remember what I've ever seen her eat. Fruits. Vegetables. Salads. A pit forms deep in my stomach. And then a pit forms on top of that because I don't want to care, but I do.
"When I get stressed and anxious, it's harder for me to control. When I'm in a good place, I do okay."
