"You honestly think you're faster than me?" I gasp. He's a musician. I'm a highly trained endurance athlete. There's no way he's faster.
Josh doubles down. "I know I am. Ready? On your mark, get set, GO!"
I hear those words and I take off into a sprint. Of course, I'm wearing slides, slightly inebriated, and it's the middle of the night. Obviously, I go down like a sack of potatoes. However, I was in front of Josh just enough that I then became a speed bump for him, causing him to somersault over me.
I can hear the thud as Josh lands flat on his back. In a somewhat state of disorientation myself, I crawl over to where he's splayed on the ground.
"Are you dead? Please tell me you're not dead." I start feeling him up and down, trying to find something that might be a limb in order to check his pulse. I manage to palm his face, squeeze his neck, and then trail my hand down a surprisingly firm abdomen … because apparently my hand has no sense of direction.
Or knowledge of anatomy on where to find a pulse.
His hand shoots up, grabbing my wrist firmly before I can get into too much trouble. With a yank, he pulls me down onto him.
"I'm keeping you on top of me like a shield so the bear has to eat you first."
We dissolve into giggles again, our bodies flush with one another. After a moment, I realize I'm the only one still laughing. I look into Josh's face. If I weren't an inch from it, I probably couldn't see it.
"This reminds me of sneaking around outside at camp." We had more than one rendezvous outside. It was neither glamorous, nor elegant, but we were horny teenagers and desperate to be together.
"Leslie." His voice is gruff. "I—"
"Don't say anything. Don't. Let's just be who we used to be. For a few more minutes." I want to lean in and kiss him more than anything in this world, but I'm too afraid of him rejecting me. Instead, I put my head down on his chest, terrified to move and end this magical moment. I try to slow down my breathing to match his, feeling his chest rise and fall under mine.
His arms snake around me, holding me tight to him for a moment. I close my eyes, inhaling the scent of him. I don't remember the last time I felt this relaxed. I should tell him I like his hair. I should tell him I'm sorry. I should …
"Leslie." Suddenly he's shaking me. "Leslie, wake up."
"Huh?" I don't know where I am. It's so dark. Where—oh, I'm still on top of Josh and we're still somewhere outside randomly waiting to be eaten by a bear. "I wasn't sleeping."
"The drool and your snoring says otherwise."
Abruptly, I push myself up and begin feeling his shirt. There, indeed, is a small wet spot.
Oh my God.
"Maybe that bear will come and grab me now, and we'll never have to speak of this moment again." I put my forehead back down on Josh's chest. But he's laughing. I push myself up off of him, standing without an ounce of grace. "I'm sorry."
Josh stands up. "It's a T-shirt. It's not the end of the world."
If it had been with anyone else but Josh, I'd probably run away and never speak to them again. Yet with him, I feel as if I can be honest. "I didn't realize how tired I was." We start walking back toward the dorms. "I don't normally fall asleep that quickly. I much prefer to lie there for hours, thinking about all the mistakes I've made, and then having anxiety about what little time I have left to sleep."
It's a great pattern, let me tell you.
"I don't know how you don't just collapse into bed every night. You run yourself ragged."
I shrug. "I don't know any other way to be. It's what my life has always demanded of me. It's what it takes—"
"To be the best," Josh interjects. "I know. But you know, there's more to life than being the best."
All I know is this quest to be the best cost me a relationship with Josh ten years ago. If there's one consolation I can take from not achieving my goals, it'll be the chance to do this over and get this right.
If he'll let me.
Chapter 20: Josh
I'm starting to figure that out," she says deliberately. "I don't know where the bar should be, I guess."
"It's a place called the 'happy medium.' You should try to find it." I can't believe we're talking like this. I can't believe how quickly I made a beeline for her when I saw her walking outside. I can't believe that in that incredibly intimate moment, she fell asleep.
