I step past her, ready to let out the breath I didn't know I've been holding. Her hand lands on my arm. "Josh, what happened? I thought …" She looks down at the floor.
I should tell her, but it's better this way. Let the old embers die down again, smothering the flame out. Otherwise, we're both going to get burned.
I sip my coffee as I walk to the music room. I have plenty of time before I have to start warming up for our last performance ofThe Greatest Showman. We've already been in rehearsals forRock of Ages, and tomorrow the band will hit the ground running with the full score. I sit down at my piano and tinker on the keys with my right hand. Setting my coffee down, I begin playing with both hands, going from one song in the soundtrack to another until I find myself playing "Purple Dawn," the ballad from my own show.
"That's great. You're so talented," Leslie says quietly.
I shrug and run my hand through my hair. It feels so weird now that it's short. Well, shorter than it was. It still wouldn't pass Catholic school dress code, that's for sure.
"That's from the show I'm working on. I wonder if Tabitha really will listen to it." I continue playing the music I've dedicated years of my life to writing.
"What's the show about?" Leslie's standing hesitantly on the other side of the room. While continuing to play, I jerk my head to indicate she should come a little closer. She takes this as an invitation to sit down on the piano bench with me.
I let out a breath and continue playing. I'm usually willing to talk about this show to anyone, at any time. However, when I tell her, it's going to expose me raw. I keep playing, going from one melody to another.
"Josh, talk to me," she pleads.
I take in a deep breath. "It's a contemporary, gender-flipped retelling of Oscar Wilde'sThe Importance of Being Earnest. The title isHonor Code, as the heroine's two identities are Dawn and Honor."
Leslie laughs. "Oh God, remember I had to read that stupid play over the summer? I never would have gotten through it without you."
I give her a bland look, my fingers still gliding over the keys.
"Oh," she says. "Oh."
I turn away, bowing my head as she makes the connection.
"Josh, is this show forme?"
I shake my head. "Notforyou. Because of you."
Instead of questioning me further, she rests her head on my shoulder, as if we're still in love. "Josh, I'm so happy to be here with you. And I don't say that lightly. I'm not often acquainted with happiness, but when I am, you're the common denominator."
She's leaving tomorrow. I can let her go on this note. I can be the bigger person, and not stomp all over her perceptions. She's got a lot of issues, and I don't need to contribute to them. I can pretend for one more day.
"I think you need to find happiness within yourself, and not try to depend on someone—or something—else to provide it for you. But I'm glad this was a good experience for you. It bodes well for when you come back in a few weeks."
Her head pops up.
I wish she'd put it back.
"Oh! Great news! Grayson asked me to stay. He's adding me to the ensemble. I can even joinRock of Ages, but I think I might sit this one out. And he's asked me to dance captain for the next two shows."
My face falls, and there's nothing I can do to hide it. "So, you're staying?"
Her face mirrors mine.
Shit.
"I mean, this is a surprise. I thought the cast was all set. They've already been rehearsing for a week now."
Leslie looks down at her hands. "Do you want me to go?"
Yes.No.
"It's not my decision to make. You have to do what's right for you."
She rotates herself so she's facing me. I'm relieved at the distance, feeling like I can finally take a breath. "I'm not sure how many more times I have to tell you I'm sorry. This is the last one. I was a kid, and a super messed up one at that. I'm still messed up, but at least I'm aware of it. I'm even starting therapy tomorrow. I made a mistake, cutting you out like that. It wasn't because I wanted to. It was the only way I knew how to function."
