I lean in and kiss her.
It's tentative at first. Of course, I'm cautious. I have every reason to be. But the moment my lips make contact with hers, caution goes out the window. It's replaced by a hunger that has been denied for years. Her body melts into mine. It's as if our mouths have been starved for each other. As our mouths stay connected, all the anger drains out of me, passion and need taking its place.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to stop.
Chapter 23: Leslie
There are entirely too many emotions running through my brain. Sorrow. Regret. Want. Need. Lust.
Those last three are pretty much in the driver's seat. I was already holding Josh's face in my hands. I press my body into his, deepening our kiss.
I've wanted to do this since the moment I saw him at the train station. Hell, I was thinking about it since the moment I saw his name on the website. But up until his mouth landed on mine, he had not been on the same page. Wait, why is he now? And how can he be after what he just revealed to me?
What a horrible, horrible thing to have happened. Not to mention that I'd destroyed him the day before.
No wonder he hates me. But this kiss doesn't feel like hate.
I pull back, panting slightly. "Josh, wait. Stop for a second."
His hazel eyes search mine. He's out of breath too. "No. I mean okay. Why?"
"That's what I wanted to ask you. Why? Why now? You've been so angry and distant. And you have a right to be." My heart squeezes, the pain palpable, thinking about what he went through then—and since. "Every time we start to get close, you pull back. So what's changed?"
I'm still the person who ghosted you when you needed me the most.
His hands drop, and even though there are only inches between us, I feel like it's miles. "I don't know."
What's that supposed to mean? And what are we doing here? Is he ready to forgive me? Am I ready for this?
I am so not ready for this. I want to be, but I know I'm not. "Josh, I messed this up once before. I don't want to mess it up again. I was careless with your heart. I don't want to be careless anymore, but I'm not sure I know how to be careful just yet."
I don't want to hurt him again. But I'm not ready for this. I mean, my lady bits are screaming that they'retotallyready. My brain is a different story.
My brain knows I have to slow down if only to avoid hurting Josh—inadvertently—again.
He looks at the ground. "What are we supposed to do then?"
"We can be friends for now. You know, we started off as friends, those first four weeks at camp. We were good that way." I'd rather have him as my friend than have nothing with him. I need to do this right this time. Yes, slow is the way to go.
"Do you think we can really go back?"
I shrug. "I don't know, but we can try, right?" I reach out, threading my hand through his. "I want to be there for you. To prove that I can." To both him and myself, though, the idea of being someone else's support seems quite daunting.
"Friends," he repeats, his tone flat. Then Josh shakes his head.
Oh my God, what am I doing? I don't want to be just friends. I want to be so much more than that.
"No, wait. Forget I said anything. Let's go." I step in, trying to kiss him again.
He puts his hands up to stop me. "I believe in going with your gut instinct. If yours said to put the brakes on this, then we probably should."
"Wait? Do you want to stop?" Now I'm getting all confused.
"No. My gut is currently speaking to me through my more primitive urges. However, my actual brain is telling me that if you have any reservations whatsoever, we shouldn't go any further. I already got burned by you once. I don't need to do it again."
Um, okay.
He's not wrong, but man, that's like a bucket of ice water.
