I never did enjoy those lessons. I couldn't seem to let go and tap into that part of myself that wasn't trying to control everything. I was never going to be the best at it, so I didn't see a point in even trying.
But here, in this room by myself, for the first time in my life, I start to let go. The rhythm of the drum beats finally begins to permeate through me as my hips swivel side to side. I try to remember what I was taught all those years ago. I shake my arms and hands out, trying to lose the perfected postures of my ballet training, instead letting the story flow through my hands. I do not only the women's part, but the men's too, as that is much more energetic and fun.
"What is that?" Josh's voice startles me. I stop, slamming my foot down on the floor and pivoting around.
I'm out of breath, sweating, and a large portion of my hair has worked itself free from its tie. I pant as I walk over to the stereo, turning off the music.
"Traditional Polynesian dance. My backup plan was to go get a job as a dancer at a resort," I quip.
"Really? That'd be awesome."
I honestly'd never thought about that until now. It would be something to look into. Tutu and Nau would be pleased at least. "Yes, I'm about to buy my grass skirt and coconut bra." Though, in fact, in Fiji, it's only the men who wear a grass skirt while dancing the meke.
Josh walks over and turns the music back on. He starts the track over and listens, ear tilted toward the speaker, his head nodding slightly to the beat. "This is cool. I like the sound of this. Show me how you dance to it."
Yanking the band free, I shake out my hair and nod for him to start the music. My feet are wide and parallel, something that feels unnatural after so many years of working on my turnout. Toes are flexed, knees bent, arms loose, fingers wide. Polynesian dance is about telling a story through your hands. I try to remember some stories Tutu told me about growing up on the islands.
When the song ends, I sit down on the floor, breathless. My feet are out in front of me, still flexed up, with my knees bent. "So the funny thing is that the word for 'grandfather' in Fijian is tutu. When I first went to ballet class and they talked about getting our tutus for the first time, I was so confused." All I could picture was my grandfather, twirling around on his tiptoes in pink tights and a fluffy skirt. The image still makes me giggle.
"Do you speak Fijian?"
I shake my head. "I know some words. There are certain things we say in our house that we use the Fijian word for rather than English. Like when Dad would yell at the cat, it would always be in Fijian. The cat was a Russian Blue. I don't know why my father thought he'd understand Fijian. But English is the official language in Fiji. Plus, my dad grew up in Hawaii and then California. He wasn't even born in Fiji. He's got more of a Hawaiian surfer dude accent than anything else."
Josh sits down on the floor next to me, his hands tapping out an imaginary rhythm. "That music is cool. I like the beats of it."
I lie down flat on my back and begin stretching, pulling one knee into my chest and then the other. As I extend my leg straight, Josh finally says, "What's the deal with Max?"
I exhale, pulling my shin in close to my nose. Still holding that, I roll over so I'm in a right split. It's one of my favorite things to do.
"We sort of had a fling. Well, not a fling because that would imply that there was like a mutual romantic, emotional connection."
"What was it then?"
I push my hands down into the floor to lift my weight up so I can shift into a straddle split. Then, I rotate again with the left leg in front. "A hookup? The only person Max is interested in is himself. I only wish he'd made that a little more clear before I slept with him."
Mostly because he made me look like a fool. While I was willing to move on and never mention it again, his little comments—always in front of a group of people—made it quite clear that we'd had sex.
He made me feel small and stupid.
"It's fine. He's the type who enjoys the chase and the conquest. He's not deep enough to actually have anything to give another human being." I look down at my hands. I'm not used to opening up this way. Except with Josh. I've always been able to tell Josh everything.
I continue, "It's no big deal, really, but like, he made it very known that we'd slept together. And it made me feel like a fool. Like I'd been stupid enough to fall for his lines and moves. Which, I was, obviously. There's something seductive about someone who's that talented, you know? But the way he said it also sort of implied that I'd slept with him to advance in the company. Like he had that power over me, and I was at his bidding. I don't think he had that kind of pull, but even if he did, that's not why I slept with him. But I didn't want anyone to think that either. Because then, if I did move up, they would think I didn't deserve it."
That I wasn't the best.
"Are you okay with him coming here?" Josh looks genuinely concerned.
"Yeah, I'm a big girl."
He raises his eyebrow at me.
"Seriously, Josh, out of all the mistakes I've made in my life, Max is the least of my concerns. In all honesty, if he wasn't walking through those doors in the morning, he wouldn't even be on my radar." I think back to when I found out Josh was here at The Edison. Yes, Josh definitely took up a lot more mental space than Max McGovern ever will.
"I can talk to him if you want," Josh offers.
I swing both legs in front so they're in the butterfly position. I press the outside of my legs to the ground. "And say what? I slept with her first, so don't be mean?" I bend over, nose to toes.
"Is it even human for you to bend like that?"
