"But I think our timing is still sucky. I mean, I'm just starting to have breakthroughs with Malachi, and then there's this." I wave my hand around to indicate our surroundings. "I want to be with you. I care for you so much; more than you'll ever know, but I'm not sure I can also handle the weight of everyone's expectations and judgments. And I know they shouldn't matter, but it's something I'm still dealing with."
Josh's hands drop. "So tell me what you want. What you need."
I don't know the answers. "I need to figure me out a little more before we go public. That's it. I need time."
"So we're back to sneaking around like we did when we were teenagers?"
I run my finger up his arm. "It could be fun." He stiffens. I let my hand fall away. Maybe he thinks last night was a mistake. Was it a mistake? Does he wish we weren't involved again? Is he still mad at me? I'd be mad at me if I were him. Hell, I've spent my whole life sort of hating myself. It's like my default setting. Why wouldn't it be his too?
I need to give him an out. I know what pressure is like, and I'm not going to do that to him. "Or we could just cool it for a few weeks until there's less going on, ya know? More time. It's not like we're leaving camp and will never see each other. We both live in the city. Hell, I think we both live in Brooklyn even. Surely, we can figure something out then. Later. In the fall." I shrug, trying to be casual. "Or whenever. Or not."
"So you're saying …" His voice is cold.
I continue rambling. "I'm not sure if I can do this right now. Be there for you, like you need me to be. I can barely be there for me."
What's he thinking?
His face becomes hard and distant. Regret. That's what's written all over his face. He wishes last night didn't happen. My stomach drops, and that tuna threatens a massive U-turn.
"It's no big deal. We don't have to be anything."
I guess that's that.
Chapter 28: Josh
Very rarely in my life have I regretted sleeping with someone. In fact, it's only happened twice.
Unfortunately, it's been with the same person each time.
I should have known Leslie wasn't ready. That she still can't be there for me when I need her. That it's still on her timeline.
And maybe she'll never be there for me.
She wants to either hide or cool it until the end of the season. "Yeah, sure. Fine. Whatever you want. I, uh, better get back to rehearsal. See you there."
I turn to walk away.
I haven't even told her aboutHonor Codeyet. It's the biggest thing in my life, but I've been reluctant to share the news with her. To trust her with it. Which means she doesn't know that I'm not returning to the city in September after the season ends. I might head down for gigs and the like, crashing with D'von when I need to, but otherwise, I'm making my home base up here in Hicklam.
It only makes sense, since it looks as if Tabitha is relocating here permanently. And she wants to be very hands-on with this production. Who am I to say no to that?
I'm literally on the cusp of my dreams, and to channel my inner Elphaba, no one's gonna bring me down.
Let's face it, it's probably not the right time for me to take on a relationship either. I still need to put together two numbers for Tabitha to see. I was going to ask Leslie to help choreograph them, but now I don't know that she wants to be around me that much. And if I can't touch her, look at her,love her, I might as well stay away.
Looks like I'll ask Kori to choreograph for me instead.
As the week drags on, I can't decide if it's worse to be completely ghosted, where they seem to vanish off the face of the earth, or to have to see that other person every single day. Laughing. Talking. Touching.
The touching is driving me crazy. It's the theater world. I get it. They live by a different set of rules than the rest of the world. They are bonded by acting, and that familiarity has to be forged quickly. A lot of that is done through touch. And as I see the ballet dancing come together, there's a large, rational part of me that understands the need for the contact.
Yet there's a small, quite irrational, quite loud part of my brain that is screaming every time Max's hands are on Leslie's arm. Or her back. Or her inner thighs.
Especially her inner thighs.
His arrogance is staggering, even for this environment. Every time he walks into the room, I want to roll my eyes. I'm starting to feel like Henderson. Basically, I don't like him, and though I've never been the violent sort, the way he's always touching Leslie makes me want to deck the prick.
It bothers me with Braedyn too, but not as much. Leslie's not his type. As in, she’s female. But still, he gets to hold her, be close to her, and feel her in all the ways I can't right now.
