My gaze darts to the small pile of moleskin-covered notebooks on the shelf behind my desk. They sit there, taunting me. Calling me a coward.
They know the truth.
They know I'm a coward.
I went there once, and it was a disaster.
With a Herculean effort, I force my attention back to my computer, where I crunch numbers and fill out spreadsheets for an eternity. Because I took Friday and Monday off, my to-do list seems a mile long.
The next time I look up, it's dark, which means it has to be after five. My eyes feel like I rubbed sandpaper in them, and suddenly I'm aware of how famished I am. I remove Sundance from my lap, where he's spent most of the day. It's only about ten steps to my kitchen, which isn't long enough to undo the knots in my back and legs after sitting for so long.
I should go for a run or something.
Instead, I make myself a salad. Seems like a totally appropriate compromise. After I eat, I put on a YouTube yoga video. That's about the only type of workout I like to do, which my physique definitely alludes to.
On the other hand, with so much sitting, I need to dosomething. I've often considered getting a dog if only so I have a reason to go for a walk every day. You'd think I could motivate myself without the financial commitment of an animal.
And yes, I did buy a harness and leash for Sundance early on in the pandemic to try and walk him. Unfortunately, and I still question why they even sell these, the leash was a bungee. Sundance, in typical cat fashion, freaked out and tried to run away when I put the harness on him. But since it was a bungee, he came flying back.
It was traumatic for the both of us. One of us can now laugh at it. The other may still be plotting how he's going to murder me in my sleep.
At least I feel like less of a slug having done the yoga. Then, it's a long hot shower and a bowl of ice cream while I watch last night's episode ofThe Bachelor. I don't know why I watch it. It's like the opposite of who I am and everything I want in life.
Of course, I'm the girl who asked ClikClak to set her up.
I probably should turn my phone back on and see what's going on there. I try not to see the notification along the top of my screen that I have a new message on Instagram. Once again, I'm unable to control my impulse to click away.
Xavier: I didn't realize that. I'm heading to a football game this evening, but if you want to grab a pint, I can meet you out before I head down to Foxborough.
I wrinkle my brow. I don't know tons about sports, but I'm pretty sure the Patriots play on Sundays. I remember going out to Sunday brunch that turned into an all-day affair because the Pats were on.
It is Tuesday, right?
There's a second message.
Xavier: A wanker basically refers to, well, someone who wanks off. A tosser. You know, someone who masturbates. But that's not really what it means. Basically, someone who's a jerk or arsehole. Funny thing, the English language. Even though we speak the same language, somehow, it's quite different.
Oh, he's British. I don't think I heard him speak that night at Trent's. So he doesn't mean football football. He means soccer. Which actually makes a lot more sense, with him knowing Trent and all.
I close my eyes and let out a breath, relieved for once that my imbecile thoughts were not played out on social media. Though, and I don't know why I have this thought, I could see Xavier and me laughing about it someday.
With a resigned sigh, I open ClikClak. I should probably post a video, since I haven't posted since yesterday. About what, I'm not sure. People are splicing my video left and right. I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot of eye candy here.
Like, alot.
Me: Um, you gotta help me choose which one. There are too many.
Marley: Who says you gotta pick just one? Think of it like a game of Pokémon.
Me: Gotta catch 'em all? That sounds exhausting.
I could start by weeding out the ones who don't live around here. No way in hell am I doing the long-distance thing again.
I might be a slow learner, but at least I learn.
Chapter 10: Xavier
I shouldn't have asked if she wanted to meet up. That was foolish. Reckless. Impulsive. And I know all too well what happens when I act like that.
