It’s not his fault, but he was an easy scapegoat for a terrible situation. It feels good to be mad at him rather than at myself for being so stupid.
Another part of me is trying not to have a panic attack reliving that time in my life. I do okay if I think about what happened. When someone else brings me back, it’s hard to be right back in that time of fear and pain.
I take a deep breath and count to ten before responding. I don’t think I want to get into all of it with Callaghan. At least not now. “I miss the team. You know what it’s like when you have one that clicks. I certainly don’t miss burpees.”
I really hated burpees.
“I’ve never been away from the sport long enough to miss it.” His voice is quiet. I can’t tell if he wishes to be away or if he’s scared to be away from it.
“I didn’t have—this is just how things ended up for me. Certainly not what I’d planned, but I’ll figure something out someday.” I wish he’d start driving again, so I can get out from under his intense gaze.
Not to mention, I kind of have to go to the bathroom.
Not kind of. That large coffee this morning is doing me no favors. And being this close to Callaghan makes me nervous. Really nervous. My nerves certainly aren’t helping the situation.
Since my remaining kidney is already working on borrowed time, I don’t like to stress her out. I need him to start driving again. Now.
“Can we please get going? I need to get home.”
Callaghan looks at the steering wheel and then back at me. He looks lost and confused. I don’t want to have to spell it out for him, but he’s not moving. And the more I think about it, the more the urgency grows.
“Listen, if you don’t start driving right now, you’re going to need to get your car detailed. I’m warning you. Mother Nature is calling, and I’m going to have to answer.”
Awareness finally dawns in his eyes, and he shifts back into his seat, putting the car in drive. As soon as there’s an opening, he pulls out. I look at passing signs to see how far we are from my place.
Dammit, we’re not even to Quincy yet. I’m not sure how far the next exit is. It might be only three or four miles, but that might as well be forty to my bladder.
There’s a very good chance I will wet myself in this car. I’ve gone through a lot of embarrassment in my life, but I’m not sure I’d ever be able to live that one down.
“I implore you, please get off at the next exit.”
Cal gives me a side-eye, but I feel the Range Rover accelerate. He weaves through traffic. I clench every muscle in my body, trying not to rock back and forth. Finally, he gets off at exit 11, flies down Granite Street, and then hangs a sharp right to pull up in front of a Dunks.
You couldn’t get more New England if you tried.
I make it in and to the bathroom in the nick of time. Once I’m done, I sheepishly get back in the car. Cal just looks at me.
“That happen often?”
I shrug. It does. I won’t feel like I have to go, and once I do, it’s an emergency. It’s not great, but it’s better than the alternative. The infection that raged through my urinary tract left a lot of damage. “Yeah, it’s a thing. We don’t ever need to mention it again.” I look down at my hands. “That won’t be hard, because we don’t ever need to talk again.”
He doesn’t start the car.
I lift my eyebrows. He continues to stare at me.
“What?”
“Why won’t we talk again?”
I lift my shoulders, letting them drop. I’m not sure how to articulate this without sounding pitiful.
“Hannah ...”
He almost sounds like he’s pleading.
How do I say that being around him reminds me of the most terrible chapter of my life? I had a lot of therapy after I almost died. I still only have one functioning kidney. He’s a trigger. Even though it wasn’t his fault, he’s still the catalyst that started the ball in motion.
Also, because I was totally in love with him and he ghosted me. It took me years to stop fantasizing about him walking back into my life. That started when I was in the hospital. I hoped every day that he’d show up. That was not super helpful in my recovery.
