Needs to be more confident.
Needs to attack the ball with purpose.
Lacks aggression when taking possession.
Skilled but timid.
Ha! I showed them.
Or did I?
“Would it surprise you to know that anger, aggression, and oppositional behaviors are all commonly seen in siblings of sick children?”
“Jess wasn’t sick. Not the way And—” I catch myself. “Not the way the kids at the event are. I mean their siblings. Plus, it’s not like we were kids. I was 18. Jess was 16. I was an adult.”
“Neither of you had a fully developed frontal cortex. Plus, not only did Jess become an addict, but you also lost your mom too. You experienced massive trauma. You’ve emotionally stalled out at the age you were at the time of the accident.”
His pointmayhave some merit, but I’m not ready to accept it yet. I grasp at the statement that’s been my reality for the past 14 years.
“If it hadn’t been for me, none of it would have happened in the first place.” This is the first time I have admitted it out loud. My dad’s told me it plenty of times, but until this moment, I didn’t realize I really believed it. I look up at Ross, trying to make sense of what’s happening.
“It’s counterproductive to have thoughts like that. You were not responsible for the actions of another. You weren’t the one drunk driving. Even your sister, who was driving, wasn’t at fault. Only one person was responsible for the tragic actions of that day.”
“Yeah but—”
“No ‘yeah buts.’ That is the truth. Don’t hold onto something that isn’t yours. Don’t carry that bag of rocks for no reason. It’s weighing you down.”
I sit there for a minute, processing.
“And if I didn’t make it abundantly clear, I believe your aggression and attitude is a trauma response. It’s a defense mechanism. Work through that trauma, and your attitude should fix itself.”
I look at Watson Ross skeptically. He holds up his hands sheepishly. “Okay, not fix itself, but it will be easier to respond in a less over-the-top way.”
That makes more sense.
I leave the appointment with an overwhelming desire to call Andi. To be perfectly clear, I’ve nevereverhad the desire to call a woman for anything other than a booty call. I want to tell her what I’m learning in therapy.
I wonder if she’s ever gone to therapy.
It might help.
Maybe she has, because what she said to me is not that dissimilar to what Watson Ross just said.
I can’t call her though, because I don’t have her number. I suppose I could message her on ClikClak, but that seems weird. What am I supposed to say?
How are you feeling? I want to kiss you again. You should totally check out therapy.
Yeah, maybe I’m not ready to reach out. But I can’t stop thinking about her. How she felt for those brief moments in my arms. How her mouth tasted. How I didn’t feel like I had anything to prove with her.
I need to let it go. Next session, I’ll ask Watson Ross about that. He’s got to have some ideas for getting over someone who was never into you in the first place.
––––––––
LEORA CALLS ME INTOthe office after practice. “In addition to you, Callaghan and Landon will be at the event. We’re hoping to have four stations of players set up, so can you ask one more of your teammates?”
“Why can’t you ask them?” I’m not the asking-a-favor type.
“Because this is your show. You wanted to do this event, you can take an active role in it.”
