Mike scoffs. “Why’d they ask you? Nobody asked me to go.” The tone of his voice clearly indicates he’s hurt. He’s always had a fragile ego that needed lots of fluffing. He’s definitely apick metype.
Also, he still cannot get it through his piddly brain that people value me and my work. I’m not his wife anymore, so it’s no longer my job to explain my worth. As long as I know it, that’s all that matters. Instead, I explain the premise of the event to him.
“Yeah, but why’d they pick you? I’m the head official for the game. It would make sense for me to be at the clinic.”
Mike only met Benj in person once or twice during the time we were together. Of course, one of those wasatour wedding. I still talked to—and about—my brother all the time. The fact that Mike can so easily forget the person who means the most to me makes my blood boil.
“Maybe because I’m just like the kids who will be attending. I grew up with a sick sibling. I can relate to them.”
Mike laughs. “Andi, you can’t relate to anyone. You’re too much of a machine. You don’t even like kids. It’s why we never had any.”
Normally, my reaction to Mike would be to say something banal and placating, end the phone conversation as soon as possible, and then ruminate about it for months.
However, I don’t even know what normal is for me anymore. “Actually, Mike, for the record, I don’t have a problem with kids. What I do have a problem with is sacrificing my body to carry them when I’m already pushing myself to the peak of my performance levels just to do my job. Because my job—the thing I want most in the world—won’t cut me any slack for growing a human being. Instead, it would penalize my time off, thereby impacting my ability to be promoted to the next level. You would not have been forced to diminish your training or take time off. Your career would not have changed at all. And that’s just the pregnancy. How would we have ever raised a child working the schedules we worked? We could barely take vacations or even date nights. It would have meant the end of my career for me, and I wasn’t ready to give it up, certainly not for you.”
Then I disconnect.
It feels good to hang up on Mike.
It feels good to feel.
I pick up the phone and call him back. I don’t wait for him to say anything before launching in again. “And another thing, it’s ass that you get paid more for doing the same job and you know it and you haven’t said anything.”
“That’s why it would have made sense for you to take time off with the baby. The loss of my salary would have impacted us more.”
THIS IS THE ARGUMENT HE MAKES?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. It’s a moot point now. We didn’t have kids because I didn’t want them with you. You’re not a good partner because you don’t see me as equal. You never have and you never will. I’ll see you at the game.”
I hang up for a second time.
We didn’t even fight like that when we were getting divorced. He told me I was boring and that I didn’t have a personality. He was also screwing a secretary at the USSLRA office.
Somehow, that didn’t endanger his career.
If anything, it made him more masculine and virile, which automatically made him more qualified to do his job.
It’s bullshit.
It’s in the past.
I don’t know what my future holds, except there’s no place for Mike in it. I’ve wasted enough time and energy on him.
It’s time to prepare not only for the game but the clinic tomorrow.
The more I look into JustSibs and their website, Coping Space, the more I’m learning about the effect growing up with Benj had on me. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my brother most of all. But I wish I knew how to love him without diminishing myself.
It’s a pattern I seem to be repeating.
I didn’t think there was enough time, love, and attention to go around. Benj obviously needed more than I did. But that didn’t mean I didn’t have any needs myself.
And aside from showing these kids at the clinic the very best time ever, I have one more thing I desperately need.
Equal pay for equal work.
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THE MORNING OF THEclinic is here. I barely slept at all, thinking about the day to come. No problem, I can handle this.
