"No, you’re not.I wish you would stop saying that.You say it a lot."For a man with so much physical perfection, he’s awfully hard on himself.
"I speak the truth.Dumb jock here.Never pretended to be anything else."
I wish we were having this conversation in person so I could hug him.I could ask him to come over, but I don’t want him to think I’m clingy and trying to manipulate him.
"Why do you say that?"I have to know what’s made him like this.His family is perfect, the kind I dreamed of being a part of when I was a kid.Why is his self-esteem in the crapper?
"Because it’s the truth.Look at my family.Joey’s the clever, funny one.Nicky’s boy genius.He’s a Harvard freaking lawyer, for Pete’s sake.And then there’s me.I barely got through school.I can barely read.I mean, I can read, but it’s hard.Like a lot of effort, and then by the time I get through, I can’t remember what I read.I say stupid things all the time.I do stupid things all the time.God had to make me pretty and athletic because He didn’t give me any other decent traits.I literally can’t do anything other than play soccer, and when that’s all done, what will I have?"
Until this moment, it never occurred to me that people with perfect lives have issues too.
"I don’t want to be stupid.I … I just don’t have a good brain.So I make bad decisions.Lots of bad decisions."
Like sleeping with me.He doesn’t come right out and say it, but he doesn’t have to.I can infer his meaning.I clench my eyes together and will the tightness in my chest to dissipate.I’m curled into my ever-favorite fetal position on my couch.
"Rachel?Are you still there?"
I didn’t realize how long I’d been quiet for.I sit up a little."Yeah, I’m here.You seem like you needed to vent, so I was letting you have the conch."
"The what?"
"The conch.You know, like fromLord of the Flies?"As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I want to shove them back in.He just said he can barely read, and there I go referencing a book.I don’t want him to feel any smaller than he already feels, but I undoubtedly did.
"Oh yeah.That."His tone is flat.
Shit.
"You know," he continues, "thinking back, that was probably the last book I read.I liked the movie better, but that’s because it was easier for my brain to process.And that says a lot, considering it was in black and white."
Relief flows through me.If he’d been talking about the early ’90s movie version, it might be a dealbreaker.The 1960s version is critically acclaimed both as a film and a book adaptation."Normally, I’d fight anyone who says the movie is better than the book, but that’s one answer I’ll accept."
He laughs."I’m glad to have your approval."
I approve of everything you do, especially everything we did in Vegas!"Duly noted."Something occurs to me."You know, I saw this ClikClak once, and the person was talking about how they were late-diagnosed dyslexic, and that explained so much about all the trouble they had in school growing up.I don’t know anything about it, but maybe it’s something to look into?"
He’s quiet for a minute.Then another minute.Then another one."TJ?Tyler?"I ask quietly."Are you okay?"
"Lemme call you back."He disconnects abruptly.
Shit.I overstepped.I shouldn’t have said anything, especially when I don’t know anything about the topic.I should learn a lesson from this.I’m better off alone than trying to be with people.They’re all just going to leave me anyway, so why put myself through this in the meantime?
About fifteen minutes later, he texts.
TJ: Can you come over?Or I can come over to you.Can I come over?What apartment are you?
Me: 3108
About three minutes later, there’s an abrupt knocking on my door.I stand on my tiptoes to look through the peephole.I’ve seen too many TV shows where the unsuspecting young female pulls the door open, only to find a serial killer or mobster on the other side of the now wide-open door.
"It is you," I say, opening the door.
Tyler does not smile in return.His hair is a mess, standing straight up as if he’s been pulling it to attention.
He steps in, not looking directly at me.He looks up and down, over and around.Anywhere but at me.I place my hand on his arm."TJ."I correct myself."Tyler.What’s going on?"
Finally, he meets my gaze."I need to call my mom, and I want you here for it.I need you with me.Okay?"
"Okay."I nod.I have no idea what’s going on, but if he needs me, I’m here for him.It’s what friends do.
