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"No. I was seeing someone for a while but it didn't work out," he admitted. "I hope you like potato salad."
"I love potato salad," she murmured. "Why didn't it work out?"
Nolan shrugged. "It never does."
His answer was flip but she sensed there was something else beneath that fatalistic answer. Did she care enough to pry? Was it her business? She was afraid to be honest with herself. Luckily she was saved from delving too deeply into that topic when he turned the question around on her. "How about you? Are you seeing anyone?"
"No. I'm a single mom; I don't have time to date."
"If you had the time, would you date?" he asked.
"There are times I wish I had someone to spend time with for some adult conversation but I'm so focused on my work and on Aubrey that I just don't know if I have room in my life for someone else on a permanent basis."
"I know how you feel. Sometimes relationships seem like so much work."
"If you think a relationship is a lot of work you should try raising a child,” she quipped wryly.
He nodded, his gaze following their child. "I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I hate that I've missed so much. When you told me that she had colic for three months I felt cheated for not knowing that simple fact about my child. I don’t want to miss out on anything else."
"Nolan, being a father is so much more than you can even understand. Are you ready for that kind of commitment?"
"I don't know," he answered, adding, "but does anyone ever know if they're ready? Did you know you were ready to be a mother? Sometimes you’re put into a situation and you're forced to be ready."
"Yes, but sometimes people fail and kids end up getting hurt. I don't want Aubrey to end up on the wrong end of that deal when you realize that you're not cut out to be a dad."
"Why do you assume that I'll fail?" he asked, pinning her with a stern stare. "Maybe I’ll be great at it."
"Maybe.” She shrugged, then sighed. “Maybe I'm not ready for you to be in the picture." It took a lot for her to admit that. Nolan seemed to acknowledge the big step she’d taken in admitting that fear and nodded in understanding. His quiet acceptance of her reasoning compelled her to explain. “When you said I didn’t know you, you were right. But what I do know scares me. I don’t approve of the lifestyle you live. How can I trust you with our child? I have traditional values and I know you don't."
Nolan fell silent and returned his gaze to the child as she squealed and laughed, dancing in the sunlight. Without another word, Nolan climbed to his feet and strode toward Aubrey. Shannon’s first inclination was to follow but for some reason she held back. When he knelt down to Aubrey’s level and plucked a dandelion for her, the moment Aubrey's chubby little hand closed around the delicate stem Shannon's heart melted a little. Nolan looked so earnest, so desperate to get to know their tiny child that Shannon couldn't help but think that she was being too stiff, too rigid. Maybe she had misjudged Nolan and, in fact, had cheated him of a relationship with their child. She’d been so sure she was making the right decision but in truth, she might have just been making a selfish one.
And that was a tough pill to swallow. Could Nolan be the father Aubrey needed? And if so, where did Shannon fit in the picture?
She squirmed in discomfort as she realized she wanted Nolan to want her, too.
This is about Aubrey, she cautioned herself. Not you. Besides, Nolan had never said he was interested in rekindling something with her. And that stung her pride.
Nolan watched as Aubrey's eyes lit up with wonder as she ran as fast as her chubby legs could carry her from one fascinating sight to the next. He followed to keep her safe but with each step he realized he could never walk away from his child. Ever. And when Aubrey tottered and fell on her little bottom, he was there to quickly pick her up. He didn't hesitate and simply scooped her into his arms. Aubrey grinned and stared into his eyes without fear. And if he worried that holding her would feel awkward, he realized his fear was misplaced. Holding her felt like the most natural thing in the world.
"Hello Aubrey," he murmured, taking in every detail of her precious face. "I think I'm your daddy."
"Da-da,” Aubrey copied, smiling. Then she pointed. "More fowers, peez?” And he gladly helped search for every tiny little wildflower on the grounds. Each squeal of delight was like a shock to his heart that he quickly came to crave. He'd see to it that she had fresh flowers every single day if she so desired. And by the time he walked back to Shannon holding Aubrey in his arms he knew there was no going back. And judging by her expression, Shannon knew it, too.
They sat and ate their lunch, laughing at Aubrey and sharing what looked like an idyllic afternoon together but Nolan knew the questions swirling in his mind were likely as stark as the questions swirling in Shannon's mind. They had a lot to work out and there were no easy solutions.
Shannon was right; their values were not remotely the same. How could they raise a child somewhere in the middle? He knew it wasn't possible. So either he had to change or Shannon had to change. And given the fact that he didn't have a solid argument as to why Shannon should change, he knew that the change fell on his shoulders. Could he be the man Shannon needed him to be in order to be a good father to Aubrey? He honestly didn't know. And it scared him to think that he could lose Aubrey because of his past.
"I want the paternity done right away," he said abruptly. "I don’t see any point in waiting. I want to get it over with so that I can get her name changed immediately."
"I told you I don't want to change her name," Shannon reminded him with a scowl. "Her name is Aubrey Garrity and it's staying that way."
"She's a Buchanan and she’ll have the Buchanan name. Besides, whether you like it or not, there are legalities to inheritance. She has to carry my name if she's going to be named my heir."
"I don't need her to be your heir. You can be her father and have different last names."
"I'm not going to argue with you. In this, you will lose so don't waste your energy," he said curtly. "You’ve kept my daughter from me and I've missed out on so much. There are some things that I will not compromise." He was being an ass, he could tell by the wounded expression on her face but he couldn't help himself. He was angry and not only with Shannon. He was angry with himself for taking the easy way his entire life. Unlike his brother Dillon who walked away from the family fortune and went and made something of himself on his own, both Nolan and Vince had taken the path of least resistance, which hadn’t done much to build their character. He wanted better for his daughter but he didn’t know the first thing about providing a good example for her.
"Why are you picking a fight with me?" she asked. "We don’t have to be on opposite sides."
"Don't we?" He looked away. "You put me on the opposite side when you failed to tell me I had fathered a child. I'm not trying to be the bad guy but you've already put me in the role."
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p; Her lip trembled and she looked away. "I was protecting Aubrey."
“It's my turn to think about Aubrey's welfare, too. And I feel it's in her best interest to carry my name."
"Well, I disagree."
Nolan could tell Shannon would continue to stay on the opposite side of the argument and he decided for Aubrey’s sake he would let the lawyers fight it out. Shannon had to know that she was going to lose. When the paternity revealed that he was the father, his rights would go into effect. There was no sense in beating her over the head with the point.
He’d ruined the afternoon but there was no escaping the fact that he was pent up with an unnamable energy. He was angry, shamed, but worse, he was lost. When Shannon started packing up the picnic he didn't stop her. An apology danced on his tongue but he knew it would fall on deaf ears and didn’t bother.
The silent car ride back to her apartment was the most uncomfortable ride of his life.
"I'll be in touch," he promised.
"Yeah, I know," she said, glancing away with obvious displeasure. She looked as if she’d rather drink bleach than see him again. Hell, he’d made a mess of things.
He watched as Shannon and Aubrey disappeared in the apartment without saying goodbye. He supposed he deserved that. Since he was terrible company at the moment, he didn't pursue them.
He needed to talk to someone but whom could he trust with something so personal? Vince offered terrible counsel and Dillon was busy with his own impending fatherhood.
One person stood out in his mind but he was reluctant to go down that road for fear of what she’d say. But even as he feared this person’s honesty, he trusted her intuition unlike anyone else.
"Penny?" he asked when she answered the line. Her relieved sigh on the other told him volumes.
"It's about time you called. I thought I was going to give birth before you came to your senses. Now fill me in with the details; I want to know everything."
By the time he’d finished, he felt emotionally drained.
“Nolan, don’t you see what the answer is?” Penny asked.
