Emma spoke up. “I want zero details about my brother in the sack because eww.” She shuddered. “But you say the word if he doesn’t know his way around the clit, Maggie May. I’m not a librarian for nothing. I’ll be glad to point him in the directions of a few resources.”
That did it. I threw back my head with a laugh while I wiped happy tears from my eyes. “Please”—I worked to catch my breath—“let me be there when you offer that service up.”
“I got you, babe.” Emma grinned.
I debated if I wanted to say anything else to her. While I typically didn’t shy away from sharing about my sex life, this felt different. Not just that we hadn’t had sex since that first time, but also, this was Sully. It didn’t seem to be something I was comfortable discussing, which was interesting. Maybe it was the uncertain nature of our relationship.
“It’s crazy, Emma. I feel like Sully and I are in some type of relationship purgatory. Since I’ve moved here, I’ve had you. Through you, I’ve had Max and Sully. You are my pillars, you all, your parents, along with my dad are what has kept me stable for the past twenty years or so.” I started tearing up again. Damn it. This bean had to be a girl, and I’d been so certain it was a boy. “I don’t know what to do with this.”
Emma sat there, watching me. I could tell she was weighing what she wanted to say carefully. “Mags, no matter what, you are stuck with the three of us for life. Pregnant or not, relationships between Max and me or whatever is going on with you and Sully, we will always have each other’s backs.”
“I know, but...”
“No, hold on. Let me finish.” She leaned forward and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Babe, we are all here for you. Always. But if you are going to sit there and tell me that what happened with you and Cole was an accident, I’m calling bullshit on that.”
My face flamed up. “Emma—”
“Nope. Still my turn.Shush.I’ve watched you drool after him since we were in middle school. I’ve watched you devour him with your eyes since high school, even when you tried to make jokes about it. And in the past few years, I’ve watched him do the same to you.”
“Wait, what?”
“Shut it. I don’t know what it is that you two have. I don’t know what it could be. What I do know is that what Max and I walked in on in the kitchen was hot, if I can remove the fact that it was my brother from the equation. Watching you both over the past few years, I thought you might be good together if it ever happened and you didn’t immediately drive each other crazy. Walking in on that in the kitchen, and whatever that tension was just a bit ago when we were allsitting on the same bed—I mean come on, Mags—I know there is potential between you guys. My question is, whose ass do I need to kick to get you both to act on it?” She looked pointedly at my still-flat stomach, then back at my face. “Well, act on it again, I mean.”
My mind wandered to every interaction with Sully from the moment on this bed just over a month ago to his actions since he found out about the baby to stolen kisses to sleeping—just sleeping—with him to him taking care of me to him throwing the ball with Ranger. To, to, to. I wish I could just dive in, trust that he could learn to love me. That I wouldn’t be a charity case. Sully would love me, he’d always love me, but I wanted him to bein lovewith me. Not in a relationship because he was the best guy and felt like he should give his child a family. Add to that the fact that Sully had known me as long as Emma. Heknewme. He’d known me as a kid and knew my story.
“Emma, I need to leave here.” I paused.
Her eyebrows came together and creased. “Sully’s house or Highland Falls.”
“Both.” I thought about that for a second, then continued, “But I’m leaving Highland in a year.”
She watched me for a few beats. Emma would be a great teacher, excellent use of wait time, I noted. “You’ve said this for years, but you’ve never explained to mewhyyou feel the need to leave. Do you just feel that Highland is too small?”
I guess we hadn’t really talked about it. But Emma wasn’t going to understand. How do you explain what it feels like to be someone who is pitied when you are from a family everyone respects? I stood up, feeling the need to pace. I walked back and forth between the bed and the windows looking out over the moonlit fields, a country road a ribbon in the distance.
“I’m not sure I can explain it to you,” I muttered, running my hands through my hair, twisting it up on top of my head in a knot that I secured with the ponytail holder on my wrist.
“Try me. No bullshit, remember?”
I let a rueful laugh out at our teenage friendship motto. It had served us a well over the years. The only way out was through, and all. “Emma, the thing is, here I’m always going to be the little girl who lost her mom in a car accident when she was young. The girl who had a dad that took lots of jobs to make money for his family but always came up a bit short. The girl who was constantly given charity in the form of food, gifts, and more. The girl who couldn’t stand on her own. Don’t you get it? Ihaveto leave. I need to be somewhere that people won’t pity me for the rest of my life. I need to be away from the gossip of small towns.” I looked down at my stomach and laughed. “Guess I screwed that up even more. Regardless, I need to start over, and Sully’s life is here. Even if he didn’t look at me that way, he couldn’t leave, and I can’t stay.” Tears were streaming down again. Maybe I’d just give up mascara and any form of makeup until this pregnancy was over.
I finally stopped pacing in front of the windows to look at Emma. She had been stretched out on the bed but had pulled herself up to a seated position so she could look at me like I had sprouted two heads.
“I’m trying to be super respectful, Maggie, because I think you believe all that bullshit you just spouted, but are you serious? You think the town pities you? That my family does? That I do? What the hell?” Her eyes were flashing.
“Emma, you do not get to tell me how to feel. You cannot sit there and tell me that you didn’t feel bad for me growing up because I know you did. You said as much when we were kids.”
Now she joined me in my pacing, her arms flying. “Of course I felt bad for you. You lost your mom! But I never pitied you, at least not how I think you mean. And while this place runs on gossip at times, the town is all about helping when it is needed. We’re like a big family. And in a family, if you see a member who needs something and you can do something about it, you step in and do it. If the world worked that way, it would be a better place. And you do it too.”
That caught me off guard. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Bridget told me how you anonymously adopted a family this year. Your student Matt, was it?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit. She said the family called the school because gift cards to the grocery store began anonymously showing up at their apartment. Someone went on their behalf to the organization who helps pay electricity bills when people are short. The mom had said Matt confessed he talked to you about being hungry, that he told you they were struggling.” Emma raised her eyebrows, indicating she felt that she had won the argument.
I disagreed. “Not sure what this proves.”
