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And she’d thought she couldn’t hurt any deeper. The genuineness of those words cut her to the core. ‘Of course. Helping people is what you do. Staying around and getting involved is not.’ Vitriol was not pretty, but again her tongue had raced away on her.
‘I can’t do anything about that. I’ve been involved, married, about to become a father, and lost it all. I am never going there again. You have to understand.’ He was pleading with her.
Damn it, her heart softened a little. Of course he’d been hurt dreadfully when he’d lost his wife. And apparently an unborn baby. But did he have to lock his heart up for ever? She was asking that? She who’d never wanted to risk being hurt again? That she’d fallen in love with Mac had been completely by accident, but she was prepared to allow him in. ‘Why not give us a chance?’
He looked her up and down, and shook his head. ‘I don’t think so.’
That look made her feel stupid, told her she still wasn’t any good at reading men. Her chair legs screeched across the floor as she leapt up. She wanted to beg, to lick her hand again to create that need in his eyes, place her heart in front of him. But that was how she used to deal with people, always trying to appease them. Not any more. Mac either wanted her or he didn’t, and, anyway, it was there in his sad but steady gaze—she’d be wasting her time and making a goat of herself into the bargain.
‘Time I went back to work.’ Heading for the lift to take her down to the department, she concentrated on holding back the hot tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Crying never got her anywhere, and tonight would be no exception.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
MAC SAT ON his deck, a thick jersey keeping the cold out, and looked out at the bridge and harbour and saw nothing. Nothing except the agony in Kelli’s eyes.
But hell, was he feeling. A deep pain he’d hoped to never know again. The loss of something so important it paralysed him. Something he hadn’t yet had the guts to acknowledge. Love. For. Kelli.
Not ready. Too fast. Can’t get involved.
Tipping his head back, he stared up at the cloudy sky. Not visible in the dark, it would be grey, he knew, like his heart, heavy with rain as he was with unshed tears. Despite not wanting to he’d gone and got himself in love with the most wonderful woman walking the city.
Slow learner. Hadn’t he spent the years between Cherie’s death and now denying the need to love, to cherish and adore a woman? To have someone to bare his soul with, and have hers back? Hadn’t he accepted he’d had his chance and needn’t expect a second shot at happiness? He’d believed it was impossible to know love twice.
Afraid to take it, more like.
Not that he was happy right now. Far from it. Falling in love was a foolish mistake. Letting it cut him off at the knees worse. If only he’d walked away last night after they’d returned to the city, told Kelli thanks and to have a great life. There’d been no reason to postpone the ending to their pretend engagement. The sooner the better for everyone really.
The fact he couldn’t not kiss Kelli again and follow up with wanting to make love had nothing to do with this sense of slip sliding, into an abyss.
When the helicopter had touched down yesterday he and Kelli had had to go in separate directions. Kelli’s mother had invited them back to the family home for a barbecue. He’d declined, knowing how close to the wire that would take him. One lie too many. But Kelli had gone. She’d been torn, but he’d nudged her. She adored her family and he’d thought they might have tonight together, stalling on ending their relationship because he was selfish, wanted it all without giving his heart.
Ha. Showed what he knew about anything. He’d done his bit and now they were back to being colleagues in the department. But he was greedy, had wanted one more day, and he’d got it. In spades.
Leaping up, he charged inside and came to an abrupt halt in front of the blasted painting that also messed with his mind. His hands gripped his hips as he stared at it, felt it. From the sharp strokes of colour he knew that his future hung in the balance. He either leapt without looking any further, or he crawled into a hole and hid away until his head and heart returned to normal. Uninvolved normal. Cold. Lonely. Sad. Gutless.
Who’d brought his smile back after dealing with Michael’s grief and his own memories of a similar experience? The first person he’d ever let that close since Cherie, and now he’d gone and shunted her out of his life. There’d be no coming back from that horrid conversation in the cafeteria. He’d hurt Kelli. All because he refused to acknowledge his feelings. Yet now that he had nothing would change. The past still held him captive.
His phone chirped. He’d ignore it, didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight. But it was nearly two a.m. so unless it was Kelli—unlikely—then it could be an emergency. Or Michael struggling to cope with his day.
The display showed Conor. The thumping in his heart slowed as he pressed talk. ‘Hey, man. How’s things?’
‘I’m a dad. To the cutest little girl you’ll ever meet. She’s awesome, dude, seriously awesome. Tamara is a legend...twelve hours’ labour and yet she’s smiling like there’s no end to Christmas.’
When Conor paused to take a breath he cut in. ‘Congratulations to you both. That’s wonderful news. I’m glad it went well.’ He felt a heel, as if he was raining on his friend’s parade with his stilted comments. But it was all he could manage. His mate had to recognise the distress in his polite words.
Stop thinking of yourself for once.
Thankfully Conor was on a different planet, and the Irish accent thick with excitement. ‘She’s tiny, and looks like Tam. Wait, I’ll send you a photo. You’ve got to see this.’
An email arrived. ‘Hold on, I’m going to check this out.’ Without cutting Conor off? ‘Keep yabbering on while I crank up the laptop.’
‘Wish you were here, man. We could have a beer or three.’ Conor laughed as if that were the funniest thing he’d ever said. ‘And afterwards Tam would kill me.’
Clicking on Conor’s email and bringing up the photo of Tamara holding the most beautiful baby against her breast, Mac felt his heart splinter. ‘Oh, man.’ Sniff. ‘You weren’t exaggerating. She’s lovely.’
‘Gabriella. That’s her name.’
‘How soon before you’re saying Gaby?’ Mac struggled to find a chuckle in the thick of tears clogging his throat. If jealous was the word to describe what was suffocating him right now, then he was jealous. He and Cherie had nearly had this. He and Kelli could have this.
‘Already have,’ replied Conor. ‘Got the wicked-witch eyes from you know who.’ Not that he sounded as if that was a punishment.
Mac bit down on the jealousy. Wrong time and place, if there ever was a right one. It was his choice to be where he was at in his life, no one else’s. ‘I’m thrilled for you. I know how determined you were not to have a family and now listen to you. Happier than a toddler on chocolate.’
‘I don’t intend having the low that usually follows that. The cardiologist thinks Gaby’s heart is fine, and as that’s all I ask for I’m going to run with it. Relax and enjoy my family. Got to go. Mum’s calling from Dublin.’
‘Catch you tomorrow. Hugs to Tamara.’
Had Conor heard any of that? In his excitement he’d been quick to cut the call.
Mac wanted to call Kelli, share the good news, go over the details. Hear her sweet voice. She’d have been the first person Tamara would’ve called; they were that tight.
He pushed his phone aside. Time he went to bed and got some shut-eye.
Still running away.
His mate’s fabulous luck added to his own uncertainty. Underscored what was missing from his life. As Mac made his way through the darkened apartment as confident as if he had possum vision, he couldn’t shake the sense that everything he wanted was right there, beckoning, waiting for him to take tha
t last step, take the risk, chance his heart with Kelli.
* * *
‘She’s gorgeous,’ Kelli whispered through the tears drenching her face, dripping onto her nightwear tee shirt.
‘I know,’ giggled Tamara. They were on their second phone conversation in less than an hour. ‘Who’d have believed I’d produce a child so beautiful?’
‘You’ll choke on that pride,’ Kelli giggled back. It was good to hear Tam so besotted. If ever there was someone who deserved happiness that was Tamara. Her past had been diabolical and then along came Conor and the stars hadn’t stopped shining for her friend since. If only there were more stars to go round, she might get a bite of the pie too.
With Mac? Only with Mac. And since that wasn’t about to happen any time this century, then she was plumb out of luck.
‘You’ve got to come over to Sydney and meet Gabriella,’ Tam was yabbering on. ‘Asap. She’ll grow so fast you’ll miss so much.’
‘I’ll flip across for a weekend as soon as I can arrange it.’ That’d give her something to focus on rather than an unobtainable man and the heartache he’d started up for her. ‘With a bit of luck I’ll get flights that fit in with my shifts. I can’t ask for another Friday off just yet.’
‘Let me know when you’ve booked.’ The giggles had stopped, but the wonder was still in Tam’s voice. ‘Seriously, Kelli, this motherhood stuff’s amazing. I know there are going to be days and nights when I’ll be pulling my hair out, but today I fell instantly in love with this little human. She’s stolen my heart and I’m never going to let go.’
‘Stop it.’ Kelli sniffed back another flood. Until now babies had always been on the back burner, something to get serious about later. Couldn’t have one without having a partner and she wasn’t getting tied to any man to be trashed again. Then along came Mac, cool as, sexy as, kind and fun as. And bang. All the theories in the world sloped out of the back door leaving her slam dunked in love.
‘Was Mac as hot as you’d hoped?’
Where did that come from? ‘Sure, he’s hot.’ That was all she was admitting. The first time she’d ever kept something from her bestie, and it didn’t sit easy, but Tam wouldn’t let it go if she had any clue.
‘Hot to look at? Or hot up close and touching?’ drilled her bestie.
‘Does it matter?’
‘Conor, you hold Gabriella for a minute. I’ve got some serious talking to do here.’
Great, she was in for a speech. ‘I’ve got to go, Tam. It’s two-thirty in the morning and I should be sleeping. I’ll call tomorrow morning.’
