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Come on. That’s not how she’d sung at all. Neither had she ever before. Tonight she’d poured every painful emotion possessing her into each word and note. The fire that had destroyed everything good about her life had strangled her with deeper, harsher emotions. Tonight she hadn’t been able to stop them expanding through her. But at least she’d faced them, hadn’t run away.
And she was buzzing. How did that work? Because she still carried the agony of losing her granddad, the anger at Jason’s rejection, still bore the sadness of not knowing if she’d have a child one day. The big unknown.
Like she was drugged or something, the buzz did not fade as she recalled the infections that had run rampant through most of her body as her burns had seemed to take for ever to heal. Chest infections, kidney issues and stomach problems from the endless antibiotics she’d swallowed. But the worst by far—a tubal infection that had refused to clear up for months. No one had been able to state categorically whether infertility would be a result. According to the gynaecologist there was only one way she’d find out for certain, and the woman hadn’t sounded very positive. Another mark against her already uncertain future. Something else she couldn’t ask a man to accept.
Madison refused to let the familiar desolation shove her high away. Tonight had been good for her. She’d let a lot of pain go during that short span of time where she’d poured everything into the songs and forgotten where she was. Right now she was on top of the world. She would probably crash tomorrow but tonight she’d enjoy the ride. It was the first in a very long time.
Reaching for her water bottle, she glanced around the noisy room. Laughter and jokes were coming in every direction from the officers she was starting to get to know. No sign of Sam, though.
The band had set their instruments aside to take a few drinks on board and he’d been the first to the barman to grab a water bottle, but now he was nowhere in sight.
The buzz faded a little. She wanted to share it with Sam, not these people who didn’t understand her. Sam understood her? Since when? Yes, she thought he did, at least a little bit, because of the grief she’d noted in his eyes when he’d let his guard down.
‘He went outside.’ Jock stood beside her.
She looked into the understanding gaze locked on her and whispered, ‘Thanks.’ But what if Sam didn’t want to talk to her? Why should he? ‘Maybe I’ll wait and see if he returns.’
Jock tilted his head at her. ‘Yellow doesn’t suit you.’ He said it quietly, calmly, not menacingly or cheekily. Just a nudge in the right direction according to Jock.
She slid off her stool, tightened her grip on her soda bottle and said, ‘Thanks again.’
Her skin squeezed tight in the cooler outdoor air, and for a moment she couldn’t see beyond the line of light thrown from the open door. As her sight returned to normal she looked around. No sign of Sam. But he’d be out there. It was where he went when he wanted to be alone. So go hunt him down.
He was walking, head down, hands stuffed in pockets, covering the track that followed the perimeter with a slowness that seemed foreign to the man she was getting to know. So far she’d only seen a guy who tackled things without looking over his shoulder.
Madison hesitated, familiar doubts nodding at her. ‘Yellow doesn’t suit you.’
Yes, thanks, Jock, got that message, but what if Sam tells me to go to hell, to get out of his face? She’d do as he demanded. But she didn’t want that. They had started something over the last few days; a friendship based on next to nothing but one she was grabbing with both hands. A friendship with someone who was unaware of her history, had no compunction about asking the hard questions because he didn’t understand the ground he was treading on. It had been a long time since anyone had treated her without first pulling on kid gloves. Other than the army, of course. The military didn’t care about things like that, only demanded loyalty, hard work, and obedience. A balm for her prickly nature. And now Sam seemed to be approaching her from a different perspective to either of those. An approach she liked, appreciated, wanted more of. She felt there might be a cure for her in there.
So, take a deep breath and go talk to the man. Or walk in silence with him. Whatever. But do something. He won’t mind. He’ll walk away. He’ll... She stepped after him.
‘Maddy, thought you’d be lapping up the crowd’s attention for a while yet.’
If he thought that’d turn her around he was wrong. She kept walking towards him. ‘It was fun.’
‘But?’
I’d like to be with you. ‘Why aren’t you inside with your band buddies?’ When his mouth tightened, she swore under her breath. She’d just flipped the question back at him. ‘Let me start again. It was more than fun. Singing with you and the guys was incredible, and I loved every moment. I’d forgotten what it’s like to let rip without thought of anything else.’
‘How many years since you last sang to an audience?’
Madison got the feeling he was really asking what had made her stop. ‘Too many.’ Had he seen through her usual façade?
She had thrown herself into the music, put everything out there for the first time ever. Could be because she was so far from home, from where her nightmare had begun. Whatever the reason, it had been liberating, and she yearned to be able to tell someone—Sam?—about her insecurities. I’m trapped until I do. Madison gasped. That was true. Until tonight she hadn’t seen that. Already, coming to the Peninsula was proving to be good for her.
But standing here with Sam, already the shutters were closing. When he said, ‘Tell me more,’ she swayed on her feet, like she rocked on the edge of a precipice, tightening her muscles around the pain and anger, wishing the words would escape across her tongue.
She took the easy option in answering his question; the tried-and-true one, the safe one. The only one she trusted. ‘You know what it was like. When I was studying and doing long shifts as part of my training, there wasn’t any time for much else.’ Only Jason, and he’d put the kibosh on her singing, saying it belonged in the shower, if at all. She gasped. He had been a bit of a control freak, come to think of it. ‘Guess I just forgot to sing.’
‘That’s a waste.’
‘Thanks. I wouldn’t win one of those TV singing shows.’ She didn’t hit every note perfectly, lost her way in the tune sometimes.
‘Maybe not, but you’d get a standing ovation. When did you start singing rock? I mean—’ he was shaking his head with something resembling disbelief ‘—your voice is ideally suited for that genre. It’s so expressive. Unbelievable.’
Her lungs swelled up, her heart stretched to almost bursting at his compliment. That it was genuine she was in no doubt. A step closer to him. There was wonder in those sunny eyes. Wonder for her. And somewhere deep, deep inside her, another knot of pain, of anger and confusion, slipped loose and began to unwind. One coil at a time the tightness that had held her upright for two long years was slackening off and she wasn’t falling down. There just might be a future for her that held some of the hopes she’d had when growing up. She might be able to dream again.
‘Maddy.’ Sam reached for her and tucked her against his chest, his arms wrapped around her.
Against her cheek she felt his lungs rising and falling faster than normal, matching her quickened rate. Under her palms, resting against his waist, muscles were tightening. Breathing deep, she savoured the mix of aftershave, sweat, man. Sam. Clutching at his
shirt, she leaned back to peer up at his face, seeing the lines carved out by grief, by the determination that must’ve been behind him becoming a surgeon, the humour that hid his feelings, and the loyalty he had for those he cared about.
If she dropped all her defences and let him in then what? They didn’t have a future together. She didn’t know him well enough to trust him with everything. He could still wreck her. But...
* * *
Sam held Madison tight against his hungry body and absorbed her into him. Her heat, softness and those curves, the surprise that had sparked at him when he’d told her what he thought of her voice, her hair tickling his chin. This is Maddy.
Desire rolled through him, tightened him. This is what he wanted. Now. With no thought to the consequences. Shock stunned him. He followed a rigid line when it came to friendship and relationships, never deviated, and yet here, tonight, he wasn’t; couldn’t haul up the usual defence mechanisms. His body was afire with need.
To hold her wasn’t enough.
It was too much.
Turmoil churned his gut, fear chilled his blood. This hug had to be enough. They couldn’t have a relationship, not even for one night, because he suspected that once he let his guard down with Maddy he’d never be able to pull it back in place. And he had to.
He wasn’t free to fall in love and marry, not when the guilt kept him hogtied. How could he be happy when he’d taken that from William the day he’d talked him into a final tour with the army before he married his fiancée? William hadn’t been keen to delay marrying Ally for another six months, but he’d given in to Sam’s plea to go to Afghanistan with him. Now Sam could not move forward, could not be happy and take enjoyment from life when William and Ally couldn’t. There were many obstacles to him settling down, and they were all in his head. Didn’t mean they were any less real.
