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Sam reached for her hand, covered it with his. ‘Don’t, Ally. We can’t change what happened.’ But he’d give his life to do exactly that.
‘No, neither of us can,’ she whispered through tears.
His heart tore apart for her—again. And for himself. Pain speared him, took his breath away. He shouldn’t have come, shouldn’t have called her. But he’d had to, this time for his own sanity. He had to get out of the hole he’d dug himself into, and talking to Ally was the first step. His chest rose. ‘I’m sorry, Ally.’ When her forlorn eyes met his the anguish and guilt threatened to bury him again. But no. It was time. Time to live Sam Lowe’s life, not hover in the dark because of what he’d done to this woman. ‘I’ll always be sorry for my role in what happened, but I won’t say it again. I can’t.’
She stared at him, making him squirm, but he didn’t back down. He had no idea where this strength had come from but knew it for the truth it was. He’d started living again. The guilt was huge, but it had to be exorcised so he could be free to get close to people he cared about, to love them. But he needed Ally’s forgiveness. So help him, he needed that badly.
If it wasn’t forthcoming he would be stuck in a holding pattern, going round and round, the army one week, a hospital the next, New Zealand one month, some inhospitable location the next, alone with his thoughts and needs. That was no longer feasible. Maddy had made him start feeling again.
‘I’d like another glass of wine.’ Ally stood up, empty glass in her shaking hand. ‘What about you?’
He had barely touched his. ‘Let me get you one.’
A waiter appeared before either of them moved. ‘Ma’am? Another?’
With a nod Ally sank back onto her chair, her back rigid, her hands locked together.
What was going on? Yes, he was guilty for William signing on for that fateful tour and thereby destroying this lovely woman’s happiness and future, but there was something else in her gaze, her stance. ‘Ally?’
‘I’ve booked the table for three people. There’s someone I want you to meet. He’ll be joining us shortly.’
Sam sank back in his chair. This woman had been all but comatose at William’s funeral and for months after. Now she’d found someone else? No, he’d got that wrong. Surely?
‘You’re shocked.’
‘Yes. No.’ He dredged up a half-smile. ‘I’m not sure what I’m thinking.’
‘You’re thinking it’s too soon, that William’s only been gone two years, that I’m not ready. Right?’
‘Possibly. But if you’re happy then so am I. William wouldn’t have wanted you mourning him for ever, missing out on a family, a loving man, a home.’
‘You’re right. He wasn’t a selfish man.’ Abby took the wine the waiter placed before her, sipped the liquid, all the while watching him. ‘Dave. The guy joining us is Dave, and he’s special. We are planning to move in together shortly.’
‘I see.’
‘No, you don’t. You’re thinking this is too soon, that I haven’t mourned long enough.’
Am I? He didn’t know. ‘How’d you meet?’
‘We shared an umbrella one day when it began to rain at the cemetery where we were both putting flowers on our respective partner’s graves. Then we had coffee and talked, and slowly over the last few months we’ve become close.
‘I love William, Sam.’ Ally’s voice was low but firm. ‘I still love him and probably always will in a way.’ She swallowed, looked around the room before returning her shaky gaze to him. ‘But he’s gone and I can’t remain unhappy for ever. It’s not natural. I want to move on, have those children I’d believed I’d have with a man who’s got my back, who will love me always.’
‘And has this guy got your back?’
‘Yes, Sam, he has. He’s quieter and more serious than William, but maybe that’s why I fell for him. He’s not a rerun. This is a new relationship and I’m not comparing anything.’
Where did this leave him? Guilty as ever? Yep, nothing had changed there. Ally was right: William was gone, couldn’t be the father to those children she mentioned or watch her grow old. All because he’d listened to Sam, had been talked into going abroad for another stint in the army.
Now her hand covered his. ‘It’s okay to start again. It really is. Hanging onto my grief and spending the rest of my life mourning William isn’t right.’ Her fingers squeezed gently. ‘Nor is it for you.’
You think? But I’ve left Maddy for that grief and the guilt. I’ve thrown away the greatest opportunity of my life.
He cleared his throat and tried to speak, but words failed him.
‘Stop blaming yourself. William didn’t have to sign on for that last tour. He’d received his discharge papers. It was his choice not to sign them. He had a wild streak, contained by the army’s restrictions, sure, but he liked to get out amongst it. You didn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want to do.’
‘He was worried he wouldn’t handle settling down completely.’ His pal could be a little crazy at times. Sam had forgotten that.
‘I was wrong to blame you, but I didn’t know how to cope, could hardly open my eyes every day to face William not coming home to me. It was so unfair. I had to lash out and you were the easy target. In the end I realised William made his own mind up about going, about postponing our wedding, about staying in the army, even though I begged him not to. It’s my turn to apologise for the way I treated you.’
The weight didn’t leap off his heart, the bands holding him together didn’t break free, but there was a loosening deep inside. The start of his future? No, that was too easy. But, ‘Thanks.’
‘You’re not getting off that lightly. Let him go, Sam. You can’t hold onto him any more than I can. It’s not wrong to start living life to the full again.’ Her fingers curled around his hand and squeezed. ‘Please.’
‘Now you’re rushing me.’ This time his grin was wide and genuine. ‘I’m a bloke, remember? We don’t do the emotional stuff easily.’
* * *
After an awkward dinner with Ally and her new man Sam walked along the quay at the edge of Auckland Harbour, ignoring the drizzle dampening him. His hands filled his pockets, and his shoulders were hunched as he wandered aimlessly towards the Viaduct.
Memories of Maddy fighting her fears swamped him. She was so vulnerable and yet tough. She’d told him everything that had happened, had exposed herself to him in a way that must’ve taken every drop of courage she could dig up and then some. But, then, she was strong. That strength had got her through a devastating time when the man who should’ve been glued to her side had let her down. The pain of that alone must’ve devastated her.
Which was why he had to keep away, couldn’t change his mind about a relationship with her. He’d hurt her. Somehow, some time, he would let her down.
‘It wasn’t your fault William died,’ Ally had said when she’d kissed him goodbye. ‘If he hadn’t gone to Afghanistan he’d have found some other dangerous occupation or hobby. It was his nature to push the boundaries way beyond possibility.’
True. So if he wasn’t at fault for William’s death then what next? Had Ally just freed him to chase life, grab what he wanted and hold on tight?
No, it couldn’t be that simple.
Why not? Ally believed he should, he could.
Sam shivered. He might be able to let go of the guilt but getting close to anyone had never been easy. Too many risks.
Water splashed up as he stepped into a puddle. Bring back the desert. A sudden wind brought heavier rain driving at him, chilling him down fast. Time to head for his hotel. He could continue thinking inside the dry warmth with a bourbon in his hand.
The drink warmed him all right, but it didn’t solve his dilemma. Madison... Maddy...the woman he’d left behind after she’d given him her heart on
a plate. She hadn’t voiced the sentiment but that had been love in her eyes when they’d made love. But not when she’d lifted her shirt. No, fear and dread had pulsed out of her then. Had that love given her the courage to open herself up to him? And then he’d walked away because he’d been afraid.
Afraid of hurting her more than she already was. Those scars were harsh, yes, but did they make Maddy less of a sexy, attractive woman? No way. She was still Maddy, the same woman who’d put Porky’s foot back together, who’d poured her heart and soul into her singing, who’d become a doctor to help others.
The woman I’ve fallen in love with. Suddenly and abruptly. Frightening, yet exciting, if he accepted the truth.
Was he ready to take the risk? To lay it all out for her to see? What if she left him? There was more than one way to go, and however it happened he’d be devastated, broken.
‘Another drink?’ the barman interrupted.
‘Sure, why not?’ He wasn’t on duty for the next three weeks. Draining the last centimetre from his glass, he handed it over.
