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But I’m alive.
Employed.
Good at everything to do with computers, programming, hacking codes.
I can fight to save my life and the lives of people I care about.
I know everything there is to know about guns and knives.
I have skills in my ABC, like Silas’s old man trained me up to have when he found me on the Las Vegas streets.
Automatic weapons.
Breaking bones and busting skills.
Cracking computer codes.
That’s better than a lot of people. Sure, some of the shit I did for big man Corrigan, as I used to call him, was pretty fucking shady, but now it’s different. Silas is running things. I’m on the up and up with the club for every new client we take on with the security business.
That’s something.
It just isn’t enough. My skills don’t make me a worthy human being, or the decent father I can be if I try, or anything remotely close.
No, this is for the best. I’m better off letting Molly go rather than doing something I can’t take back. Like screwing up my son’s chance of a healthy existence by being in his life, or passing on the family legacy of fuckups. I could never forgive myself if that happened.
Molly made the right decision by leaving.
I just wish my gut would settle down and agree.
Chapter 21
Molly
“Mom, stop plying me with calcium supplements. I’m fine. Just give me a pint of ice cream like a normal woman and stop fussing. And please leave Tate out of this conversation.” I rattle the huge bottle of mega-sized vitamins that are probably way too big for a horse to swallow. My mother ran out and bought them the second I gave her the big news about the baby.
Now she’s back home from her half-day-long shopping spree which started online, then turned into a trip to every baby store between here and Mesquite. She’s a bit more relaxed that I have a supply of diapers, onesies, baby bottles, and an order for a crib to be delivered. Does she realize that the baby won’t be here for another eight or so months? The clubhouse was easy compared to this.
My mother swivels from her perch on a high-back bar stool near the kitchen counter. She turns to look as I search for a few of the taller food cans in a cupboard. Yes, the canned foods will hide these horse-sized supplements for now. She lowers her reading glasses on her nose and gives me a look. I would’ve been better off keeping my mouth shut about the baby. I hope the woman won’t judge. This is her grandchild. I’m sure she’ll want to have a say in everything.
Including the onesies.
“I’m not sure I want to raise a baby with a man who can’t get his life together. I plan to pass my nursing exam and apply for the state licenses right afterward. I’ll have to take some time off when the baby is born, but at least then I’ll be able to work in a good job after a few months. I’m sure I can support the two of us. The truth is I can raise this baby on my own if I have to. Sure, without the father in the picture, it can be a mess…” I trail off unable to give voice to the full weight of my choice.
“You should know that I support any choice you make. No matter what it is. I’ll be here to help with whatever you need. I’m not going to judge you. You’re a grown woman. I’m sure you judge yourself far more harshly than I ever could. Plus, now’s not the time to piss you off, for two obvious reasons. First, I want to be in my grandbaby’s life. Second, you’ve been stressed out enough with Jett. Thank God he’s gone…wherever Tate and those people took him.”
Mom gets up from the bar stool, walks around the counter and pulls me in tightly.
God, I need that.
“Thanks for saying all that.”
She eventually lets go of me. I’m not impressed when she steps over to the cabinet, finds the hidden horse-sized tablets, and slides the container of vitamins over to me. “You’re going to need these so that my grandchild has a healthy head start, honey.”
I roll my eyes and fiddle with the childproof cap. “Thanks, Mom. Really. Geez, it’s the twenty-first century. You’d think they’d figure out a way to make these things smaller.”
Mom ignores that. “I need you to know I’m proud of you no matter what happens.”
