‘Quickly, Caspian, quickly, in you go—’
I was too late. He leant forward and vomited lavishly, all down himself and across that beautiful carpet. There was a moment’s silence, of respect, perhaps, for the expensive décor, which may never be the same again. Then the sobbing started in earnest. Caspian started and Seraphina soon joined in, wailing as if her heart was breaking. Bunny was at a loss, staring between the brown pool on the floor and her distraught children in horror and confusion. I did wonder if she might also begin crying.
‘Oh, Pixie! Oh God, what do we do, what do wedo?’
For a moment I, too, felt completely overwhelmed. The chocolatey puke was gently soaking into the carpet and would be almost impossible to remove. I was used to scraping sick off the vinyl floor of the classroom, but this was completely different. I also feared it was only a matter of time before Caspian was sick again, or Seraphina started. Bunny looked horribly pale, and I wasn’t entirely confident that she wouldn’t join in – the smell can have that effect. Then I realised that they were all looking at me to sort things out, and I knew it was time to start doing the work I had been employed for or giving it my best shot at any rate.
‘Okay, nothing to worry about. Come on, into the bathroom, and let’s peel off these sicky things and get you both clean.’
The children allowed me to steer them into the bathroom, a stunning affair in cream marble with thick forest green towels, recessed lighting and the delicate scent of lily-of-the-valley in the air. Pulling the soft, heavy bathmat onto the floor, I jammed in the plug and started the water running. I spotted a bottle of something that was probably very expensive and wasted on four-year-olds, but grabbed it and dolloped in a generous measure, knowing the magical effect that bubbles can have. I hoped no one would mind too much. Bunny didn’t even seem to notice; she was still wringing her hands and patting the twins ineffectually as they cried, clearly worried about soiling her beautiful clothes. I didn’t hugely want to get vomit on my clothes either, but my drip-dry high street bargains had been bought with small children in mind, so now I held my breath, swiftly stripped each child, then plopped them into the steamy, bubbly water. The foam was extravagant, probably about thirty quid’s worth, and instantly they were enchanted. Within seconds, Seraphina had fashioned herself a frothy beard and was cackling with laughter at her reflection in the overflow cover and Caspian, whose colour had returned from a greenish grey to a healthier pinkish hue, was blowing holes in the foam to make skull faces. Bunny sank down onto the lid of the loo and looked rather pale herself.
‘Well done, Pixie darling, you are marvellously efficient, I’m so happy you’re here. But what about the carpet?’
‘Yes, the carpet doesn’t look good, does it? Would it be all right for you to stay with the twins while I try and sort it out?’
She nodded weakly.
‘Great. Where can I find some cleaning stuff?’
She gave me directions to the kitchen, and I set off, back down the stairs, round the corner, through a large but cosy living room and into the front hall of the house, which was galleried and wood-panelled, with the same lovely green carpet that seemed to flow through the whole house like a gentle brook. Other than the bit upstairs now, of course. I crossed the hall and pushed open a door at the back which led, as Bunny had said, into a large kitchen. It looked as if it had been recently kitted out at great expense, yet it retained a cosy, countryside feel as the heart of the home. A small woman with short, dark hair was standing by the Aga and turned as I came in.
‘Hello?’ she said in a heavy accent. ‘Who are you?’
For the second time that day, I identified myself rather breathlessly.
‘Hi, I’m Penny, I’ve come to help with the children? The thing is, Caspian has been dreadfully sick all over the carpet and it needs to be cleaned as soon as possible.’ I didn’t add that I felt I had no hope whatsoever of doing anything of the sort.
The woman sighed theatrically and started putting lids on pans and adjusting dials.
‘Vale, I suppose this can wait, but Bunny!Dios mío, always the help she needs so much. I am supposed only to cook, clean a little, you know, but every day something extra.’
‘Oh! No, no, I didn’t come to askyouto do it. If you would be kind enough to show me where a few things are, I’ll try to fix it.’
Hopefully.I dreaded to think what Lando would say if I couldn’t get the chocolate stains out of his immaculate carpet. He was obviously extremely houseproud, judging by the luxurious interior design, although looking at his messy studio, you would never have guessed it.
‘Muy bien, what do you need? Oh, and I am Pilar. I amveryhappy to meet you, Penny.’
She shook my hand firmly.
‘So am I. Er, I’m not really sure what I need. It’s mostly chocolate, you see, and on a pale carpet – oh God, it’s probably wool, isn’t it? I’llneverget it out.’
‘Penny, did you vomit on it yourself?’
I looked up at her in surprise.
‘No, of course not.’
‘Then do not worry so much. You will do your best, yes, and that will have to be good enough. Mrs Lord, she should not have left them stuffing themselves with so much chocolate. Come, let me find you some things.’
I staggered back through the house under the weight of buckets – one filled with hot water, one empty – a spatula, a fat roll of kitchen paper, washing-up liquid, vinegar, a giant tub of bicarb and a cordless stick vacuum cleaner. Mrs Mop, eat your heart out; I looked like some kind of crazy cleaning one-man-band. All I needed were some cymbals tied to my knees to complete the outfit. I reached the back hallway again and shuffled through awkwardly, sideways, trying not to splash water or knock over the flower arrangement with the hoover when the back door opened and in walked Lando. He regarded me with a mix of curiosity, irritation and maybe, just maybe, a smidgen of humour on his handsome face.
‘What on earth is going on? Where are you going with all those things?’
What did he think I was doing, robbing the place? I gathered as much dignity as I could muster.
‘There has been a slight…incident with the twins. Everyone’s fine, but I need to clean up.’
‘At least you found them. Was there much blood?’
