‘Look, I can’t talk now. Do we really need to talk at all? All right, I’ll ring tomorrow.’
He came back to sit down, and I studied my spoon with fascination, desperate not to look nosy but, of course, desperately nosy.
‘Sorry about that,’ said Lando, finishing his coffee. ‘That was my ex, Zara.’
My heart skipped a beat.
‘I’ve no idea what she wants and don’t really want to know, but she seems to think it’s pressing. I haven’t seen her for months and months.’
I didn’t reply. I didn’t know what to say. Surely, there was only one reason that Zara was calling: that she wanted Lando back. And I could never compete with this goddess I had heard about.
‘Look, Penny.’ To my surprise, Lando took my hand. I lifted my eyes to meet his. ‘Are you really going to go to India? Is that what you want?’
A million replies, thoughts, images raced through my head. No, came the answer, clear and loud, that isnotwhat I want. I want to hunker down here with you in this beautiful house in Dorset and have a baby.That’swhat I want. But how could I say that?
‘Are you really going to Greece? Is that whatyouwant?’
We stared at each other in silence. Lando was the first to speak.
‘I want…I do want…Penny, I like you so much. I think I want…’
Warning bells rang loudly, frantically in my head, with a helpful, protective voice shrieking:he doesn’t know what he wants, Penny. If he wanted you, he’d be sure about it. Danger! Danger! Don’t waste your time on this one.
I pulled my hand away gently.
‘I certainly know what Ineed, Lando. I need to be the architect of my own life, not waiting around for other people to make decisions for me. Right now, yes, that means going to India. I have to feel that I am actively doing something for myself. I’ve been passively waiting around for too long.’
‘But is it what youwant?’
I shrugged.
‘We can’t always have what we want, and maybe that’s often for the best. I wanted Timothy to propose to me, but now I’m bloody glad he didn’t. There are things I want, of course there are, but I can’t wait and hope for them anymore.’
He nodded.
‘I hear you. I’m not sure I should have what I want, because there’s too much chance I’ll screw it up. Wise words of yours, Penny. I should focus on what I need.’
I gave him a small smile and stood up.
‘Thank you for a delicious supper. I can’t wait to see the Nativity finished and all set up in the church.’
He pushed back his chair and stood up too.
‘Maybe you would help me take it down?’
‘I’d love to, thank you.’
He whistled to the dogs.
‘I’ll give these two a run and walk you back up to the house.’
Back in my room I undressed slowly and took a long shower, as the events of the evening swirled around in my head. It was funny, I reflected, that Lando’s concern – that his mental health history made him unsuitable for a relationship – was the least of my worries. What concerned me more was his seeming uncertainty about how he wanted to move forward with his life. It was obvious he was vacillating over the Greece plan and leaning towards more of a family set-up in Dorset, which should have encouraged me. But I had been seriously thrown by the phone call from Zara. He may have dismissed it as unimportant, but here was a woman from his past who clearly wanted to see him again, presumably to make amends. Who was to say she hadn’t changed, realised her mistake in leaving him? She was not only beautiful, if reports were to be believed, butfamiliar, and that could be very tempting to any one of us, let alone someone who struggled to let down his guard with new people. He had taken my hand, I knew he was reaching out to me, but it seemed too much of a risk, however tempting. I had known him for just a couple of weeks. We had undoubtedly connected and God knows I thought he was absolutely gorgeous, but there was too much scope there for heartbreak. Wasn’t there? When I had put my pyjamas on, I went over to the window and saw the familiar light burning away in his studio. I felt a powerful tug in my stomach, urging me to throw on a coat and some shoes and run to him, to say ‘let’s give it a try’, but the careful, sensible voice won out. Go to bed, Penny. Stay safe. And with a heavy heart, that is what I did.
SEVENTEEN
I felt tired and drained the next day, wracked with indecision, and was relieved that I hadn’t planned to take the children out. I pulled on a comfy pair of tracksuit trousers and a flannel shirt soft from repeated washing, and we sat down in front of a Christmas film about naughty elves whilst making paper chains. The twins were entranced by the ease and relative speed with which they could make reams of the decorations, and soon we were surrounded by a sea of colourful rings.
‘We’ll run out of paper soon, then what?’ I asked, smiling.
