‘I think he’s tried.’
‘Oh good, good, good! Then you can gently steer him to try again. Oh Pixie, hoorah, this has cheered me up no end.’
‘I’m not sure it’s that simple.’
‘But why not?
‘I do feel so drawn to him, but…I’m not sure he really knows what he wants. Greece, solitude, me, Zara…He says he doesn’t want a family, that he doesn’t think he would cope. How can I risk my heart again on another man who doesn’t deliver?’
‘Pixie, he would, I know he would. Lando may say all those silly things about being some secluded artist, but look at him with my two, he’s a natural. He’s had his fingers burnt, rather like you have, my darling. Zara leaving him when he was at his lowest ebb – that was hard to take.’
‘And you don’t think he’ll take the chance to repair it?’
‘Not with her. But he does need someone he can rely on.’
‘But that’s just it!’ I exploded. ‘I can’t spend my life being leant on, unless I’m sure I can lean in return.’ Thoughts were whirling round my head. ‘I can’t possibly go to India, it’s a bloody ridiculous idea and I’ve known that all along. I’m not sure I can risk Lando, wonderful though he is. Maybe the chance I can give myself to be happyisTimothy. But why don’t Ifeelhappier about it, when it’s everything I’ve always wanted?’
A single tear trickled down my cheek and I brushed it away impatiently.
‘Pixie, my darling, youknowall these answers. Following your heart will be brave, and terrifying, but it’s all you can do. Follow it where it leads you, otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life in what ifs.’
‘But what if it all goes wrong?’
‘Then it all goes wrong, but at least you know you tried. But if it’s truly for you, it will work out, even if it doesn’t look like you imagined it would. Your safety, Pixie, will come from being in the right place for you, and that doesn’t necessarily mean the place that has a big flashing sign saying, ‘This Is Safety’.’
I nodded, finished my drink, went back to my room, praying that I wouldn’t bump into anyone in the corridor. The only thing I needed now was time and space to think, and to hope I could make the right decision.
NINETEEN
I had arranged to take the twins over to Lavinia’s house the next morning for a playdate with Toby and nearly managed to get them breakfasted and out of the house without seeing anyone other than Pilar and, fleetingly, William.
‘I don’t blame you for escaping,’ he whispered conspiratorially, grabbing his hat. ‘Daphne and I are spending the day in Dorchester, can’t take any more of Zara. She always looks at me as if she’s wondering how long it is until I die and get out from under her feet.’
I giggled. It did feel good to know that he liked her as little as I did.
‘What will that young man who turned up yesterday spend his morning doing?’
‘Timothy? I have no idea, but I didn’t invite him, so I don’t see why I should entertain him. My responsibility is towards the children. I did worry that it might be rather rude to you all to leave him in the house by himself, but Bunny said it was absolutely fine.’
‘Quite right, quite right, well said, my dear. Well, enjoy your day. Ah, here is Daphne, we must go now. Adieu, darling Penny!’
I thought I had avoided seeing Timothy that morning, but as I ushered the children into the car, I heard an ominous crunching on the gravel behind me.
‘Pen? Where are you off to? I thought we could talk? I must say your boss was rather dictatorial last night. I hope these people are treating you well.’
I gave him a tight smile.
‘Yes, they’re very kind butverydemanding.’ I sighed. ‘In fact, if I don’t get these two off and away quickly, Mrs Lord will probably be out here wondering why not.’ I clipped the children securely into their car seats and opened the driver’s door. ‘I’m sure you understand. Maybe we can talk later?’
‘Er, yes, all right then, but…’
Unfortunately for poor Timothy, it was at this point Seraphina’s patience wore out and, using her very loudest voice, she started intoning: ‘We want to go! We want to go!’
Of course, Caspian immediately joined in. The effect of these rather penetrating chants, in which I have found small children specialise, is electrifyingly aggravating even for a seasoned professional like me.
‘Sorry!’ I shouted over the din. ‘Better go!’
Timothy nodded, defeated, and hurried towards the house, while I leapt into the car.
