I doubled up in my chair with laughter. I could easily picture the scene, Bunny breezing about without a care in the world as everybody else recoiled in horror from the oddball invitee who had the nerve to complain about the lunch she was given. How could I ever leave this warm, bonkers family? I would miss them all too much.
‘So why don’t you think Timothy’s proposal was serious?’ asked Lando. ‘From where I was standing, it looked as though coming all this way and then popping the question must be the real thing.’
‘Oh, I think he’s serious, but about himself, not me. I don’t think he missedme,I think that whatever he was moving on to, that he thought was going to be vastly superior to being with me, either didn’t work out or didn’t live up to his expectations and he realised that he’d actually had a rather comfortable time of it with boring Penny. To be honest, that ‘proposal’ made me feel angrier than I’ve felt in a long time. And I felt –shamed, somehow, at being thrown this scrap and expected to snatch at it gratefully. For all that he was suddenly, apparently, offering me exactly what I wanted, I found that it wasn’t so compelling, after all.’
‘And what is it that you want?’
I swallowed. It was time.
‘Look, Lando, that’s what I came here to say. I do want what I have always wanted, that is to say – to be blunt – a family. A husband and children. I’m not going to try and be cool about it anymore, to pretend I can take it or leave it or that I would be one hundred per cent satisfied with my life if those things didn’t happen for me. But I also now know that I don’t want those things at the expense of other areas of my life. I don’t want those things with Timothy, it wouldn’t be fair to either of us or, ultimately, make either of us happy.’
He nodded.
‘Quite right.’
‘I know that I want change, and adventure, but I understand now that those things take many forms and can’t be forced by, for example, belting off to India. I think, for me, the adventure takes the form of a risk. Of choosing to try things that I never would have dared to before, preferring to stay home safely in a nice, controlled way and hope for a happy ending.’
Lando leant forward in his chair and looked at me intently.
‘So what risk is it you’re preparing to take?’
My heart started beating horribly fast and I felt dizzy. Why should this feel so scary? What was the worst thing that could happen? Why was it so awful? Then we both spoke at the same time:
‘Because I’m rather hoping—’
‘Well, Lando, the thing is—’
‘Sorry, go on.’
‘No! You go on.’
We both stopped and giggled, and all those frightening feelings ebbed away. I carried on.
‘The thing is, Lando, and maybe I’m horribly wrong and about to bring a load of embarrassment and awkwardness down on everything just before Christmas, but the thingisthat I think we – that is, you and I – that we’ve been getting on well, and I sort of thought that there might be a possibility that you could have some part in my new adventure. If you get my drift?’
He nodded and looked pleased, I thought. I rattled on before he could say anything.
‘I don’t want to pressure you, I know I’ve said everything I’ve said about Timothy and babies and settling down, and that stuffistrue. I’m not going to pretend to be cool about it anymore. If – I meanif– we were to, maybe, give things a go, I wouldn’t want you to feel obliged, I know what you’ve been through, but I also don’t want to risk us passing each other by completely and Imustbe honest. Look, maybe this won’t happen, maybe it will happen for a bit, but, well, there are my cards, on the table.’
I petered out, suddenly feeling foolish and wondering if I had made even a modicum of sense. Lando was looking at me with a serious expression and opened his mouth to reply when the door flung open, letting in an appropriately chilling blast of air. There stood Zara, framed in the doorway like some beautiful, wicked pixie.
TWENTY-THREE
For a moment, we all remained frozen, like a scene from some nineteenth-century melodrama. Zara was the first to move, stepping into the studio and pulling the door shut behind her. She shivered elaborately.
‘God, it’s cold out there.’
She stared accusingly at us as if we were somehow responsible for controlling nature’s thermostat. Lando was the first to recover himself.
‘Look, Zara, I don’t know why you’re here. I thought I made it clear…’
‘Oh yes,darling, as crystal. I could hardly believe you would make such a stupid mistake as to turn downmeas well as a life that you know holds everything you always wanted.’
I wondered if I should be taking notes. Vile though this woman was, she certainly had plenty of self-confidence. My stuttering speech was nothing on this – not once had I suggested that Lando would be stupid for turning me down.
‘Everything I always wanted,’ repeated Lando. ‘That’s right – wanted, but don’t want anymore. I have told you repeatedly, Zara, I don’t want that life anymore.’
She started to speak, but he continued, ‘No. Not the money, the cars, the holidays, the expensive watches – any of it. I have everything I want right here.’
