I trailed off, wanting to ask what it meant, why he had carved it, but these were questions I knew the answer to in my heart. I didn’t need to hear him explain, this little piece of carved wood said it all. Lando continued, ‘Look, you know by now that I do find it difficult tosaystuff, to express myself with words, but I did want to show you, Penny, how I felt. So I let my fingers do the talking and this is what emerged from the wood. A family. A happy family. I– I hope that’s all right?’
I looked up into his dear, worried face and smiled.
‘It is wonderful.’
In two strides he was across to my chair and lifting me to my feet, holding me in those strong arms and I was half sobbing, half laughing into his shoulder.
‘Penny, I know I can be difficult, bad-tempered, and I truly don’t mean to be. Since you’ve been here – you’ve made me laugh, I’ve felt some sort of darkness lift from me, as if there’s a new dawn, new possibilities. I got so worried when I thought you were determined to go to India, and when Xander was moving in on you…’
‘I don’t think he was ever serious,’ I interrupted. ‘I’m hardly his type.’
‘Don’t be so sure. But even if thatwastrue, it wouldn’t have stopped him messing around with you.’
‘Look, forget Xander. I was never interested in him.’
‘I know, I remember how horrible I felt – and how rude I was – when he was flirting with you. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s fine. I was quite flattered, if you must know, but then you didn’t give me any other reason to think you might be interested.’
‘I was so sure you were going off to India, I didn’t want to look like a fool when you reminded me of your plans. But there was something else, something that still worries me.’
He fell silent, and I pulled back from his embrace and looked at him in concern. What on earth was left? He continued, ‘All the – issues I’ve had, Penny. The mental health problems. The breakdown was the big feature, and had clear catalysts, things I have removed from my life now, and I think I understand how to protect myself, although I can’t guarantee it will never happen again.’
I nodded, not wanting to speak and interrupt him. He went on, ‘But it’s not as if, now that is over, I am completely fine. I have learnt that, although very strong in some ways, in others my mental health is vulnerable. I have tools to help me, and I’m good at using them, but there are still times when I struggle. I don’t want to inflict that on you, Penny, or on anyone. It’s the main reason I wanted to go to Greece. Yes, I felt that the solitude would be safe for me, but I also felt that I would stop being a bother to others. My father is moving on in his life, with Daphne, and that’s wonderful. I don’t want him having to nurse his grown son. I don’t want anybody to feel responsible for me, worried about me.’
I gazed up into his troubled eyes and felt tears come to my own.
‘Oh, Lando, I’m so sorry you’ve been through all of this. I’m not an expert on any of it, but therearethings in life Idoknow. One is that we all suffer illness of one sort or another, throughout our lives, whether mental or physical. And we couldn’t possibly stop that. But we also can’t assume that other people can’t or don’t want to live with it. Dear God, nobody’s perfect. All I can say is that it doesn’t frighten me, that I will try to understand it and support it as best I can, and I won’t always do that perfectly. And in the same way, I know that you will do the same for me when I need extra help, which I will, one way or another, because we all do. We’re adults, we enter into relationships knowing that this will be part of it and understanding that that only makes the relationship – and life – deeper and more valuable. I know – Iknow– that your troubles don’t turn you on other people; the rest of it we can work on.’
He pulled me back into his arms and his voice was muffled as he spoke into my hair.
‘Penny. Penny. I never thought, never dreamed, that this might be possible.’
We stood for a while, holding one another, then he pulled away and led me to sit down on my usual chair, pulling his stool over next to me so that he could hold my hand while he spoke.
‘I do believe that it can be okay. This Christmas, well, I was dreading it, I always do, and I usually hide myself away as much as possible. The noise, the chaos, the seeming hundreds of people that Bunny troops into the house. But this year I’ve found it different. Not just bearable, but enjoyable. The children – they’re such a joy, and my bonkers father with marvellous Daphne…It’s been invigorating and shown me that family life isn’t quite as terrifying as I had thought.’
I laughed.
‘And for me, it’s shown me that I was right all along, that for me the biggest adventure won’t be haring off halfway around the world but going after what I really want in life. India was only ever an escape from myself, not what I actually wanted. Oh, and my mother was convinced it was the perfect answer, but that meant that she had given up on me ever finding what I really wanted, whereas I hadn’t. I got so muddled between what I wanted and what IthoughtI wanted that for a while I didn’t know which way was up. But now I can see that contentment and fulfilment, well, they come in all different shapes and sizes and that pushing yourself towards something only because it looks good on paper isn’t going to work.’
‘But that’s exactly it!’ exclaimed Lando, his face lighting up. ‘That’s what I was doing during all those years in the city – bashing away at trying to enjoy something that simply wasn’t right for me. It looked good, it could be great fun, it filled up the bank account – and everyone around me was telling me that I was doing the right thing. But it wasn’t right forme, and that’s what Zara could never understand – still doesn’t. Life isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ thing, is it?’
‘Absolutely not. Timothy and I staying together all those years was doing usbotha disservice. We were square pegs in round holes and probably shouldn’t have got any further than dating for a month or two. But it alllookedso good. I’ve been very upset because of those wasted years, but I can see now that they weren’t wasted at all – just a very long and thorough learning experience.’
I pulled a face and Lando laughed.
‘You know what I’ve heard it called? An AFGO.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Well, the A is ‘another’ and the GO stand for ‘growth opportunity’. You can fill in the F.’
I thought for a second, then gasped and giggled.
‘Oh! I see! That’s brilliant. Well, I think you and I have been through enough of those for a while, don’t you?’
‘I do.’
