‘I don’t want to speak out of turn, but…’ She paused. ‘Are you thinking of moving to the country permanently? I mean, if you did, would you still be able to push on with what you’re doing, would you be in the right place?’ She looked abashed at her own outspokenness, but continued, ‘I really am in awe of your considerable talents, it would be terrible to see them wasted.’
Wasted, indeed?thought Juliet.And what makes you think you know so much about it?
After supper, everyone drifted off to various corners of the house: Martha had a painting she wanted to work on, so wished everyone a polite good night, and Sylvia looked exhausted, so Juliet and Léo insisted she go to bed while they cleared everything up. They waved away offers of help from Will, Rousseau and Sindhu and soon found themselves alone in the large kitchen.
‘More wine while we tidy?’ asked Léo, holding up a half-full bottle. ‘Or tea?’
‘Actually,’ said Juliet, pulling on some yellow rubber gloves, ‘I oddly want both. Is that weird?’
‘Not in the least,’ said Léo, pulling out the cork, then flicking on the kettle. ‘If that is what you want, thenc’est ça.’
They packed the dishwasher and washed the larger and more delicate items and, within ten minutes, were sitting at the old, Formica-topped table with their drinks, Ava and Moriarty now installed in his cosy basket.
‘I can’t believe this table’s still here,’ said Juliet, patting it fondly. ‘It’s hideous, I know, but it takes me straight back to being a little girl.’
‘Happy memories?’ asked Léo.
‘From when I was little – yes, very.’
‘I am glad. And what do you make of Sindhu? She seems an interesting woman, and strong. She was telling me about her business.’
Juliet sipped her tea.
‘Yes, I agree with both of those. And I’m happy for Dad.’
‘But?’
She smiled at him.
‘You can tell there’s a but?’
‘Oui. There is something concerning you.’
‘There is. Since my mother died…’ Juliet stopped and decided on wine this time. Léo waited for her to start speaking again. ‘Since she died, I’ve felt a sense of release, that I have regained control in my life. And I mean that in the deepest sense. For years I was taking a very rigid sort of control, constructing a life and an image that didn’t form a complete picture, but whichworked. I could do it, and do it well, and I could push back against Mum at the same time. Now the control is kind of the opposite of control. Oh dear, I’m not making sense. It’s just that for the first time I feel able to let go of that version of myself and try other things, even things which my mother would have approved of. I could never do that while she was alive. In a way, she had control over my rebellion, because I couldn’t allow a single chink that might let her think that she had won, that she was right all along.’
Léo nodded.
‘You do make sense. You no longer have to fight, and you can relax and truly be yourself. That is good. But what does this have to do with Sindhu?’
‘Probably nothing. But I don’t want another mother, someone else who assumes they can start directing me. There was already a hint of it at supper; she was giving her opinion on my career.’
She repeated what had been said, and Léo shrugged.
‘It sounds as if she is being supportive, not controlling. As I said, a strong woman, so maybe her manner is vigorous, but she has only just met you, and as Rousseau’s girlfriend, she will want to befriend you.’
‘But maybe she sees herself marrying him, and is establishing her role as stepmother?’
‘I am sure she is no wicked stepmother. She is also not Lilith. And you said yourself, you have come so far, discovered much. This will help, you cannot be subsumed again, you won’t let it happen, and neither will I.’ Juliet nodded. ‘Come, let’s go to bed, it has been a long evening.’
‘Yes, I’m tired. I think I’ll just go to my apartment tonight, Léo, if you don’t mind. I could do with some time alone.’
A flash of hurt crossed his face, but he smiled.
‘Of course. I’m sure you will feel good about it all in the morning.’
Juliet sat on the edge of her bed and stared out of the window into the dark night. Thoughts and images and snatches of conversation whirled around her head, confusing her. She picked Ava up out of her basket and cuddled the sleepy puppy to her as she tried to calm her mind and make some sense out of the chaos there. When Sindhu had made those comments about her career, she had instantly, instinctively, felt that the older woman was assuming some sort of matriarchal position, that she believed she had the right to give her opinion. But Léo had all but dismissed her concerns. Why? Why hadn’t he taken her seriously? Didn’t he realise that she needed to defend herself, not just shrug and go with the flow? And what had he said abouthimnot letting anything happen? Surely he wasn’t going to try to fight her battles for her – she wasn’t a helpless princess in need of protection, and she thought he had understood that.Ugh. She stood up suddenly, waking Ava.
‘Sorry, darling, I didn’t mean to make you jump. Here, you go back to bed, it’s where I need to be too.’
