‘And?’
‘What do you mean, “and”?’
‘And, Miss Honeywood, I can tell there’s something else. Ooh, it’s a man, isn’t it? The handsome lord of the manor?’
‘Well, technically Douglas is Lord of the manor, and I wouldn’t dare muscle in on Mum’s fiancé, even if I wanted to.’
‘Too true. But doesn’t he have a son…?’
I capitulated.
‘Yes, he does, and yes, you’re right. There is – oh I don’t know,somethingthere.’
‘Something?’
‘We’ve kissed, a couple of times.’
Sam grabbed me and hugged me.
‘Fallon! Too exciting! So, what else?’
‘Well, the little boy – Theo – is Alexander’s son, and you know how I felt –feel– about being a mother. I know it’s early days to be thinking about that stuff, but I don’t want things to get messy. I think it’s better that I just stop whatever this is with Alexander before it’s started. Not that it even reallyhasstarted – he didn’t kiss me goodbye when he dropped me at the station.’
Sam made a sympathetic face. ‘You really like him, don’t you? I can tell.’
I nodded.
‘He’s wonderful. He’s kind and quite serious, but with a real sense of humour. He takes stuff in his stride. He’s been through a lot, but he’s not bitter or defensive, he’s just moved forwards. He loves Theo so much and he’s an amazing dad. I never thought I’d even notice something like that, let alone find it attractive, but I do. It showcases his character – loyal, empathetic, patient and capable.’
Sam giggled.
‘Sorry, Fallon, but only you would include ‘capable’ on a list of adorable character traits in your ideal man.’
I grinned.
‘Fair point, but itisappealing. He doesn’t want, or need, to be looked after, but then, of course, on the flip side of that?—’
‘Is his son,’ filled in Sam.
‘Exactly. Who obviously comes as part of the package. But the thing is, Sam, I adore that little boy, and I seem to somehow have clicked with him. He likes me too.’
‘Of course he does.’
‘But you know how I feel.’
Sam nodded. ‘People have children all the time and don’t bring them up like their parents did. Look at my dad. Do you think I’d ever do what he did?’
We had had this conversation before, and I was well aware of Sam’s aggressive, violent father. I shook my head.
‘Of course I don’t. But the thing with Mum is…it’s not like she was straightforwardly bad, or anything. Although I struggle with it, and wish things had been different, I not only appreciate but applaud her drive and passion for work. She didn’t mean to get pregnant with me, but she had me anyway, then made the best of it. I have a choice and it seems reckless tochooseto take on a child when I do want to work and make a success of it.’
‘But with Jacqueline it wasn’t just the work, was it? It was the careless way she treated you, left you with all sorts of people and had a hard time showing you much love or affection – unless it was through criticism.’
I was reminded again of what Constance had said.
‘That’s true. I think I’m beginning to take on board that she did –does– love me, but eight-year-old me never saw that.’
‘And that’s the crucial part. That’s what you do understand and wouldn’t repeat. You can be a mum, Fallon, and work hard and care about that work. People do it all the time. You may be like Jacqueline in your drive, but you’re very different in most other ways. You’re soft where she’s tough, and I know what a caring person you are. Maybe your childhood has evenbrought that out more in you, maybe it’s your father’s side, who knows? But please don’t miss out, darling, from fear. If your gut is leading you towards Alexander and Theo, then let it do the talking.’
