‘I don’t see why. I think you and Dad are justbeingmore complicated.’
I opened my mouth to attempt a reply to what seemed like a sensible argument, when Douglas popped his head around the door.
‘Ah, there you are, Theo. I’ve got our very late lunch ready, come and have it before it’s teatime.’
Without further comment, the boy stroked Runcible’s head and followed his grandfather out of the room. I gave Coco a half-smile, and she raised her eyebrows at me.
‘Good to hear Theo finding his voice,’ she said. ‘And for what it’s worth, from the little I know about it, I also think that you and Alexander are being very silly.’
I must have looked startled, because she quickly apologised.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, and I know I shouldn’t intrude, but it did seem as if you and Alexander were getting on so well.’
I sighed.
‘We were. And when Theo puts it like that, it’s so, so tempting. I do like Alexander a lot and I never thought I’d feel such – well, such a connection with a child as I do with Theo. But it’s just too much responsibility, and it’s not going to work. I had a tiny little dry run the other day, a chance to show that I could put them first, and I didn’t take it. If I failed that, it’s just a portent of what I’d be like if I were to let things go any further with Alexander.’
Coco pursed her lips.
‘You know best, of course, and I don’t know the details of what happened, but Idoknow that you did make it back in time for the Nativity. So, I’m not sure why you’re saying youfailed: you didn’t.’ I stayed stubbornly silent. ‘If you think you failed because you weren’t there for an hour beforehand making mince pies and soothing stage fright, well, I don’t think anyone expected you to be, did they?’
I had to concede that she had a point.
‘No, but isn’t that who I would need to be, if I took on Theo?’
‘Not at all. You’d need to be there for him, sure, but you don’t have to morph into the Waltons. I’m sure you already know how to be present in life for people who matter to you.’ Nowshewas looking stubborn, and fierce, and I could imagine her dealing with the head chef who had groped her. ‘Sorry to be so forthright, Fallon, but I had high hopes of my brother and you. I’m not trying to force you into anything, or stop you being who you are, but I think you’ve convinced yourself of something that just isn’t true.’
‘It’s okay.’ I gave a small smile. ‘I appreciate you saying it. Look, I’d better go to the station to get Sam. Thank you for helping me with his room, and for the pep talk.’
Her face softened.
‘You’re welcome. Just think about it all, won’t you?’
I nodded, and went out, back through the chintzy sitting room and downstairs. I was just getting Constance’s car keys from the hooks in the hallway, when Mum appeared. She was wearing, to my intense astonishment, a blue apron with white polka dots. My eyebrows hit the ceiling.
‘Is something wrong, darling?’
‘Only that you appear to be wearing an apron, Mum. Are you auditioning?’
‘Oh, don’t be so ridiculous. I’m wearing it because Estelle and I are about to do some cooking. She’s teaching me how to make mince pies.’
‘You?’
‘Yes, me. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong, Fallon? You seem to be very confused. Are you sure you should be driving?’
‘I’m confused, Mum, because you are wearing an apron and having a mince pie-making lesson with Douglas’s ex-wife. It’s not very…you.’
She waved her hand at me dismissively.
‘Oh, darling, one can’t be constrained. Change is healthy, you know. If you don’t step out of your comfort zone once in a while, then life is very boring. You should try it.’
‘I do it all the time! Look at me rushing to London the other day – that was hardly comfortable.’
‘Ah, but itwasyour comfort zone: dashing off to solve a problem for a demanding client. You love it. You found it far more uncomfortable to let yourself be needed by Alexander and Theo, and to enjoy that. That’s why you were so late back.’ I stared at her, unable to find any words in reply. ‘Pretty basic psychology, darling, but I do also know you well, even if you think I don’t notice. Iamyour mother.’
I was going to make some retort, but then, disarmingly, she smiled.
‘And I love you, you know. Right, better go – these mince pies won’t make themselves. They will be ready for Sam to have one for tea. I knowhe’llappreciate my efforts, such a dear man.’
