‘You’ll be fine without me,’ I said, trying to sound casual, but knowing my voice sounded strangulated. ‘All the prep will be finished and all you’ll have to do is drive up, park and sell. You’ll be a hit. You don’t need me.’
You don’t need me.The words that summed up everything I had been agonising over, that sounded so confident but felt so painful. I could feel the familiar throb start up behind my left eye and I put my hand to my forehead.
‘Fallon…’ said Sam, knowing the signs. ‘Do you need to get something for your head?’
I nodded and left the room quickly, offering an ironic word of gratitude to the gods of headaches for their timing, whilst knowing it was me who was responsible for triggering it with my own stress and stubbornness. Most people, I thought as I took some tablets and put a cold flannel on my forehead, would have followed their hearts, seen if things might work with Alexander. Why did I find it so impossible to do the same?
As typically happens, I was overcome with a tremendous fatigue and fell asleep, waking a couple of hours later to find the room dim, lit only by the screen of a laptop where Sam was working. I sat up cautiously, dislodging Runcible, who had snuggled herself in comfortingly beside me. Sam looked up.
‘Hey,’ he said quietly. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘All right, I think,’ I replied. ‘I took my stuff quickly, so it didn’t get too much of a grip.’ Anxiety suddenly flooded me. ‘Oh no, I was going to start looking round for bands, so I’d better get on with it now.’
I went to stand up, only to be subjected to a wave of dizziness and forced to sit down again quickly. Sam put his computer to the side and came over to join me, putting an arm around my shoulder.
‘It’s fine, Fallon. I got the invitations sorted, so I’ve been looking into entertainment. Although,’ he said with a wry smile, ‘everyone who’s got back to me so far has been booked up for months, so I’ve no idea what we’ll end up with. It’s just the flowers left to do, and I have a couple of names – you could call them tomorrow.’
I rested my head on his shoulder.
‘Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here. Sorry to have bailed like that; I didn’t even show you where your room was.’
‘It’s okay, Alexander took me up. He’s a nice guy.’
I know!screamed a voice inside me.I know!But I didn’t reply. Sam continued:
‘I’m still worried about you. You seem better than you were, but you’re still not okay. What was all that about coming back to London with me for Christmas? That’s not what you want to do, is it?’
Tears started leaking out of my eyes and trickling down my cheeks.
‘I don’t know. He’s still being so nice, and he hasn’t tried to change my mind. I think he’s decided I was right to break it off, and now it’s too late even if I did want to change my mind, but I don’t know if I do or not.’
I was properly sobbing now, and Sam squeezed my shoulder and let me cry. He was unembarrassed by tears and had given me a wet shoulder or two in the past, so I didn’t mind bawling all over him. For a moment, my head responded by flaring with pain again, but it soon ebbed and began to feel clearer.
As I quietened, he said, ‘Judging by the way he was looking at you, I don’t think it’s that at all. If he’s not arguing, I reckonit’s because he’s a decent man who is respecting your decision, whether he likes it or agrees with it or not. A unicorn.’
This set off a fresh round of sobbing.
What had I thrown away?
TWENTY-FIVE
The next few days passed painfully, awkwardly, politely. Alexander carried on being incredibly nice and courteous, but distant, and Theo veered between affection and avoidance. Each time I noticed him deliberately pulling away from me, my heart cracked a little more; maybe at some point it would be shattered. The headache had taken twenty-four hours to pass, making me feel drained and dizzy and giving me the perfect excuse not to stay up late. I was deeply relieved to have Sam there, who was such a familiar and comforting face and who was taking on the brunt of organising the party and, more importantly, liaising with Mum over it. Her sudden fancies and exacting requirements didn’t faze him in the least, and he simply reported back to me every day with what had finally been decided, and how many people had accepted the invitation that day. Alexander had been fairly quiet on the subject of sourcing the wine, so I assumed that was going well. I had managed to scare up a band that I was deeply unsure of, but that Meg at the café in the village promised me would be a hit.
By the morning of the party, I was feeling better, although the nagging feelings of missing Alexander and doubting my decision refused to go away. But I needed to push them down and get on with things, even if this would be the last time I would see Alexander before our parents’ wedding. I was still planning to go back to London the next day. Today was a day for focus, for leaning into the work that had been both my saviour and my destroyer over the years. Everyone was at breakfast, and there was a fizz of festivity in the air.
‘Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do?’ asked Constance. ‘I’ve finally tamed the hydra that is my book, so I’d be glad to help.’
‘Have you cut off all nine heads?’ asked Theo, who had recently developed an enthusiastic interest in Greek mythology, even though his fascination with birds of prey showed no signs of wavering.
‘Eight, I reckon,’ said Constance. ‘But the ninth can wait.’
‘In that case,’ said Alexander, ‘could you take Theo up to the sanctuary today? I think we’ll all be needed here for the final preparations, is that right, Fallon?’
I jumped slightly and blushed when he said my name, but managed to stammer out:
‘Yes, yes, please. And Theo, I have a job for you too. Would you mind taking full charge of Runcible today? I know she’ll be safe with you, and far better off than being here with strangers coming in and out all day.’
He beamed with pride.
