I nodded silently and took another piece of toast as Marilise told Nick exactly where she thought the boxes were. I was always glad to be a tourist in other people’s Christmases, and I was delighted that Nick had decided to get involved in the seasonal transformation of the house, but since Paulo died the thought of hanging a single decoration myself had always floored me. Butnow I had to admit that I could feel a stirring of excitement in my stomach. Thoughts of where the tree could stand and of which lights would look best where floated unbidden into my head, and I knew exactly the life-sized reindeer that Sofia would adore. I used to have one myself, named Noddy, who stood outside our front door with a red bow around his neck. I had given all our Christmas decorations to the charity shop when I had frantically cleaned out after Paulo’s death, trying futilely to soothe my grief with action. But maybe I could do it, I thought. For Marilise, for Sofia, for India, yes. I could frame it in my mind as helping them, then maybe it would be possible. But a little voice whispered in my head:Just for them? Or for you, too? And for Nick?I couldn’t deny that, as much as I tried to think of it as altruistic, the opportunity to go all out for Christmas brought a thrill to my heart, even when images of Paulo in his final days were still so strong. Could I reconcile the two? And could I keep denying that the idea of bringing some Christmas cheer to Nick, which might help the healing of the sad little boy that lived inside him, was the most tempting thing of all?
THIRTEEN
After lunch, Nick showed me where the stairs to the attic rooms were, behind a door not far from my room. I peered up them.
‘So, this is where all the family history is?’ I asked, as we creaked our way up.
‘Well, all the bits people have got fed up with,’ he said. ‘There are probably a lot more photos lurking up here somewhere, and my school reports.’
‘Ah, now those Iwouldlike to see,’ I said teasingly. I put on a posh accent. ‘Nikolai is a clever boy but must learn to apply himself and discipline that scattered mind so that he can put it to some useful purpose.’
He laughed.
‘How did you know? Actually, one master wrote that I had great potential, but should stop squandering it on fripperies.’
‘Ouch.’
‘At the time, yes, but it’s the fripperies that keep the heating running; app design pays surprisingly well.’
‘And it’s probably not really a frippery, is it?’ I asked, stopping as I came to the top of the staircase and was faced with a long corridor, lined with doors. ‘I wouldn’t know where to start – it must need a lot of specialist knowledge.’
Nick shrugged.
‘I suppose so, but it’s frivolous compared with, say, nursing.’
‘I doubt your schoolmaster would have been much more impressed if you’d said that was your ambition,’ I said. ‘My family asked me for years why I didn’t train to be a doctor instead; I never could make them understand that if you have a vocation, then that’s that.’
‘For what it’s worth,’ said Nick, looking me deep in the eyes, ‘I think it’s an amazing way to spend your life.’
Despite the chill of the passageway, I felt rather warm all of a sudden.
‘Thank you,’ I said quickly. ‘Now, where should we start looking for those decorations?’
‘Marilise said they would be in the furthest room, and thinks there are two tea chests,’ said Nick, starting off down the passage. He opened a door at the end, and we peered in.
‘It’s awfully murky,’ I said. ‘Is there a light?’ We both groped around for a switch. I found one and quickly flicked it. ‘Ah, that’s better.’
The room was stacked with boxes and chests, and a large armoire stood to one side. There was also a beautiful wooden rocking horse, which I approached to stroke its real horsehair mane.
‘Isn’t he beautiful?’ I said. ‘Sofia would adore him.’
Nick came and stood next to me.
‘Victoria and I used to play on him when we were kids,’ he said, his voice nostalgic. ‘I thought he was long gone. We used to argue over his name. I thought he should be called Silver, after the Lone Ranger’s horse of course, but Victoria was insistent that his – or ratherher– name was Snuzzle, after one of her My Little Ponies.’
‘I loved those!’ I exclaimed, an image instantly coming to my mind of the colourful pony figures I had played with endlessly as a child.
‘So I can’t count on you to back me up with “Silver”, then?’ asked Nick teasingly.
‘’Fraid not,’ I said, shaking my head and putting on a doleful expression. ‘It’s Snuzzle all the way for me.’
‘My sister’s toys are probably up here somewhere as well,’ said Nick, continuing the fun. ‘We could look them out and you can keep yourself busy when you’re not, you know, doing that nursing stuff.’
‘Great idea!’ I said, injecting my voice with girlish enthusiasm. ‘We can look for your Ken dolls at the same time.’
‘Idid not play with Ken,’ said Nick in a tone of offended dignity. ‘Iwas loyal to Action Man. Now come on, let’s find these decorations or we’ll have Marilise to answer to.’
Still giggling, I helped looked for the tea chests. It had been a long time since I had had such a silly, light-hearted conversation and I could feel how much it had lifted my spirits. I probed to see if the guilt was about to follow, but it didn’t. I might have thought more about it if Nick had not suddenly said, ‘Do you think it’s these?’
