I made a non-committal noise and caught up another stick for Steve.
‘I’d forgotten he was coming,’ said Nick, sounding a little defensive. ‘But when he turned up on the doorstep, it didn’tseem like a bad idea at least to find out what the place was worth.’
‘And take a few photos?’
‘Yeah, sorry about that.’
I smiled.
‘It’s okay, but I don’t think either Marilise or I are ready to be swimsuit cover girls at the moment.’
‘I couldn’t disagree more,’ said Nick. ‘But have it your own way.’
We walked in silence for a minute or two, then I continued addressing the elephant in the room – or in the field, as it was.
‘So, you forgot he was coming?’ I prompted. ‘It got Astrid worried.’
‘And you?’ he said.
I stopped walking and looked at him in surprise.
‘It’s nothing to do with me if you sell the house or not. But I was concerned for the others. They’re not sure where they stand.’
‘And where do I stand, Laura? I can well believe you’re not that bothered for yourself about Lyonscroft being sold and me going off again. Don’t you mind?’
‘I thought we talked about this,’ I said, confused.
‘I overheard you in the kitchen,’ he said, kicking at a stone on the frosty ground. ‘Sounds like the whole retraining idea is pretty much decided. I know you said we could still be together, but I can’t see it working. Say you stay with Marilise until – until the end?’ I nodded. That wasn’t going to change. ‘Then you retrain – what’s that, a year?’
‘Not that long,’ I said. ‘But it will depend on the course. Maybe a few months.’
‘Right. Then what if Steph doesn’t get pregnant straight away? You’ll have committed to her, and you might find yourself waiting around for months, even years. And once you’re workingfor her, or in any live-in job, that’s not going to make seeing each other easy, even if I do stay nearby. And all of that, all of it, would be okay – I would support you in any dream or ambition – if I thought it’s what you really want. But then why are you considering it? I can only think that you’re putting up roadblocks that make it easier to sayah well, it was nice, but it couldn’t work out, given the circumstances.’
‘Why would I do that?’ I asked, feeling a lump in my throat.
‘I don’t know,’ he said in despair. ‘But what Idoknow is that throughout my entire life people have left me, and it’s happening again.’
‘I’m not leaving you, I’m not,’ I cried. ‘But I’m so confused. I feel like I have to make some plans, and they simply can’t be rushing off to live in LA, not at the moment. It’s all too much, it’s too soon.’
‘Too soon after Paulo?’ asked Nick.
‘Yes – no – oh, I don’t know,’ I said, tears now welling up in my eyes. ‘I do want to be with you, Nick, that’s the only thing I am sure of. But I don’t know…’
I trailed off sadly.
‘You don’t know if we can make it work,’ said Nick in a flat voice.
‘I want to,’ I whispered.
He pulled me into his arms, and I wrapped mine tightly around his waist.
‘We’ll figure it out,’ he said quietly.
I nodded and squeezed him tightly, but right now it was hard to see how that might happen.
TWENTY-ONE
We walked a little further, then I checked the time.
