The whole cabaret was spellbinding, and I loved every moment from the singing to the comedy pieces, and particularly the dancing. I was even starting to have some serious outfit envy; should I exchange my ‘useful’ black dress for something with a little moreva-va-voom? Such was the fun of the show that I had also managed to push Nick to the back of my mind, giving myself a rest from the ruminations that had been disturbing me so much over the past few days.Who knew, I thought, as the lights went up and the applause finally faded,that I would start enjoying Steph’s hen night?I turned to Minty and we chatted about the show. When Dorothea came round with yet morechampagne, I even felt like having a sip and I held up my glass to Steph.
‘Congratulations!’ I said, across the table. ‘Are you feeling excited about the wedding?’
She nodded and grinned and I saw the sister I had known and loved for so long break through on the face that had become disapproving and judgemental over the years. I got up and went over to hug her.
‘Very touching,’ drawled a mocking voice, and Dorothea sat down heavily next to me. ‘If only you could have found such compassion for poor Eugenia the other night.’
For a moment I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and then I remembered the school performance and the woman with the hair accessory instructions.
‘I didn’t realise you knew her,’ I said.
‘Of course I do,’ replied Dorothea. ‘And she was most upset by your attitude.’
I couldn’t be bothered to defend myself or try to explain.
‘Well, it’s all forgotten now, I’m sure,’ I said neutrally.
‘Not by Eugenia,’ spat Dorothea. ‘She has the filmed evidence of the evening, which was meant to be such a happy memory for her.’
‘Well, maybe she can console herself with the thought that Sofia and Astrid have happy memories of the night,’ I replied, having some more champagne.
‘You’ve got your feet under the table at Lyonscroft, haven’t you?’ She sneered. ‘But not for long, from what I hear.’
I felt as if someone had dropped a bag of wet sand on my stomach as the pain of recent days came back full force and the pleasantly tipsy feeling from the champagne morphed into sour sickness.
‘Yes,’ she went on maliciously. ‘Nick continuing his glamorous international life after his little holiday at home andyou only there until dear Marilise isn’t. Darling Steph,’ she went on. ‘So generous to offer you a place with her. Giles and I are planning on starting a family soon ourselves; maybe we could find some room for you with us, for a while.’
I rose unsteadily to my feet. She mustn’t, simply mustn’t, see me cry. I pushed past the table, setting the slender-stemmed glasses wobbling precariously and hurried through the tightly packed people, aiming for a door near the bar that looked as if it might lead to the loos. I opened it and slipped through, seeing more closed doors but also a small sofa at the end of the corridor. I sank onto this, drew up my knees and let out the tears. They were silent, but my whole body was shaking as I sobbed and heaved for breath. My face was buried in my knees, my arms wrapped around the top of my head, so I felt, rather than saw, someone sit down next to me. An arm went around my shoulders and patted me firmly, the touch comforting me so much that my weeping started to subside and I lifted my head. I had expected to see Araminta, or maybe even Steph, but what I hadnotexpected was the beautiful and statuesque figure of the silver-clad drag queen from the performance that night. She was probably the most glamorous person I had ever seen in real life and must have cut a figure nearly eight feet tall, including her shoes and wig, but she had a look of such softness and kindness on her immaculately made-up face that I knew in my heart I could pour everything out to her.
‘What’s up, my love?’ she said, her voice calm and soothing.
‘S-sorry,’ I said. ‘I was looking for the loos, but I think I got lost.’
‘That doesn’t matter a bit. You’re backstage, where the magic happens, and it looks to me like you could do with a bit of that.’
I nodded and mustered a small smile.
‘You’re right there. I could do with some bloody powerful magic – my life’s such a mess.’
‘Oh well, I know all about that,’ she said, smiling. ‘Messy lives are my speciality. Nothing that can’t be fixed, I’m sure. Now, tell Christal everything.’
So, I spilled out the whole tale, from my happy, simple life with Paulo, then his death, to the introverted, nomadic life that had followed. I explained my family’s dynamic as best I could, trying not to sound bitter or self-pitying. I told her how I had found work and then love at Lyonscroft and how Nick and I had broken up, he wracked with conviction that I had fulfilled his expectations by leaving him, me terrified of betraying Paulo and moving on from my own feelings, which had kept me safe for so long. I explained the plan my sister had come up with for my future, and how I was considering it, but knew at the same time I was committing myself to a life I didn’t want.
‘I’ve ruined everything,’ I concluded. ‘And I’ve closed so many doors that I don’t know how to get out of the tiny little room I’ve boxed myself into.’
‘You are a ninny,’ said Christal, smiling at me as if I were a little girl. I gazed at her, basking in her maternal affection. ‘Do you ever try being kind to yourself?’
I shook my head and sniffed.
‘Not really. I always think I can do better.’
‘Better than being a bloody lovely nurse and bloody brave to boot?’ she asked. ‘You’ve been through the wringer, my love, and you’re still standing. Start off by being proud of that. Now, I am an expert on love, and I can tell you for sure that all is not lost with this Nick. It sounds like you both need to support each other to take a chance, be a little braver. But put him to one side for the moment. Can you do that?’
I nodded.
‘Good. Because whether he’s the one or not, you need to decide what you want for your life and then go and get it. Do you want to work for your sister or her horrible mate?’
‘No,’ I said firmly.
