Lina glanced up at me then, tears brimming her eyes. “I understand,” she said, but her words were flat.
“I can understand if this is too much for you. It’s your choice, Lina. I told you I don’t need to figure anything out with us. I want you. I love you. I want you in Penn’s life. But I can’t do this … not unless it’s for the long haul. I can’t put Penn through that. I can’t putmyselfthrough that. You have to want this just as much as me and accept all that comes with it. I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. You have to decide if this is what you want.”
She nodded, biting her lip, looking away, her face so near to crumbling.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I should have told you sooner. It hurts me knowing that I hurt you. I would be devastated if you told me right now you can’t do this, but I would understand.”
“It’s a lot,” she mumbled, a tear now slipping down her cheek.
“Shit, baby.” I wiped the tear away. “I know it is.”
“I think I need to go home.” Her words were choked with emotion.
I could feel my heart being wrenched from my chest. “Are you sure? It’s late. You can stay here tonight.”
She shook her head. “No,” she replied as she stood, gathering her dress and boots in between wiping tears from her face. “I need some time to think. I need space.”
I sucked in a breath, nodding.
Lina averted her eyes as I stood and followed her to the door. She stuffed her feet back into her boots. Her dress was slung over her arm. I wanted to pull her into my embrace, bury my nose into her hair, especially if this was going to be the last time, but I gave her what she asked for—space.
“Good night,” she said, pushing up on her tiptoes to press her lips to my cheek.
I opened the door for her, watching her walk away in my T-shirt, wanting nothing more than to drag her back and make her stay. But sometimes when you love someone so much, you have to let them go.
34
lina
Isat on the steps of the back deck watching the sunset the next day, staring out over the brown grasses and pine trees. It was so hot and dry, and I worried if we had enough for the cattle to graze. Dad, Jude, Reed, and the other ranch hands had spent the day moving the herd, hauling stock tanks, and repositioning the lateral sprinklers to irrigate the pastures and hayfields. Unfortunately, because of the drought, they could only be run early each morning.
I spent the day leading a trail ride, mucking stalls, and bathing the horses. It kept my hands busy, but now that it was quiet, I couldn’t help but dwell on everything Reed told me. I really didn’t care if he was a recovering addict. That didn’t bother me in the least. I felt that was something I could handle, and if he needed me to be strong for us both in times of weakness, I would do that in a heartbeat.
It was the shit with Penn’s mom that I wasn’t sure I could deal with. Penn came first, as she absolutely should, but was I ready to make all my decisions solely based on the needs of his daughter just like he had to? Could I do that? Did it mean that he wanted us to get married? To be a family to create stability for her?
Watching Jude and Romy get married yesterday, seeing them with their little family and being so in love, made me realize I did want that … eventually.
But could I do that with Reed? If it came down to choosing Reed and everything that came along with him or losing him forever, could I make that choice? Shouldn’t this be an easy decision?
We were supposed to be heading back out on the road in a couple days up to Washington for the Lakeview Round-Up next weekend. I wasn’t sure yet if I was ready to return to the close proximity of the fifth wheel with Reed. I wouldn’t be able to think straight around him, and this was something I had to have a clear head for. I didn’t just need to make the right decision for myself, but also for a little girl and her dad, too.
WasIthe right decision for them? Could I be a parent to Penn? Could they be my family? I never saw myself as marriage material, but maybe I was … for the right person … for Reed.
The screen door behind me creaked on its hinges. I turned to see Hazel walking out of the big house, barefoot, her monitor on her ankle, in shorts and her Willows Rodeo tee. She had two ice-cold drinks in her hands with lemon wedges.
“What do you have there?” I asked, forcing a smile for her.
“Thought you might need one of my famous lemonades,” she announced, taking a seat beside me on the step and handing me a glass.
The glass was chilled. I took a sip, nearly spitting it out, when I discovered there was almost half a glass of Crown Royal Apple Whisky in there. “Holy shit! I don’t remember them being so strong.”
She gave me a wink. “You looked as though you needed a double pour tonight.”
I groaned, rolling the glass against my forehead, letting the condensation cool my heated skin. “Thanks.”
Hazel took a sip of her own, puckering and humming with appreciation. “I make a damn good drink.”
“Adangerousdrink,” I corrected her. “They’re so good, you’ll have to roll me into bed tonight.”
