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Everything is lost, and I’m the one who is going to be left on my own. I should be bitter, but it just hurts so much that’s all I can think about. I realize I’d been pinning a lot of my hopes on Finn, on the idea that I might have found the one.
But I was stupid to think that. Why would he want to have anything to do with me? It was never going to work, not really.
It was a beautiful dream, but now I’m awake.
The evening draws in, and I realize I spaced on the rest of the day. I haven’t left the room since it happened, and Alex still isn’t back. When it gets dark, I lose hope that she’ll be home tonight. Maybe she’ll calm down enough tomorrow… though I doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she just gets a transfer and I end up with a new roommate instead.
I sigh to myself, hugging my pillow and thinking about the weekend I was looking forward to. I wish that this had at least happened after we’d come home from the trip Finn promised. I wanted to go there with him. I wanted to make love with him. Everything he promised me sounded so magical and wonderful, and now it’s all disappeared down the drain.
I think about everything this weekend could have been. The two of us, alone in a hotel room somewhere, cozy in a king sized bed with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Just getting to know each other, exploring, experiencing new things. I could have gone all the way with him without blinking. I was ready.
I picture it in my head, unable to stop myself. The hotel bed flung with silken sheets and rose petals, and us laying on top of it. Finn over me, his lips hot and insistent on mine as he kisses first my mouth and then my neck. His lips trail down over my chest, his hands stripping me of my dress where I lay, then up to grasp the straps of my bra and pull them over my breasts until they are free and bare. I moan and push my chest up towards him, into his caressing hands, so eager to receive them. I want his hands all over me. I want him to touch me over and over again.
I arch my back as Finn’s kisses trail lower, over my hips, and he hooks his fingers into the waistband of my panties to slowly drag them off just like he did the other day. I feel his hands on me there, stroking and rubbing in circles, beginning to drive me wild again. He reaches for his belt –
And I roll over in bed, my real bed, mortified for even letting it go that far. It’s not like I even know how to imagine the next part, but I shouldn’t be doing it anyway. I have to get Finn out of my mind. It’s not good for me to be dreaming of him like this when I know I can’t have him. I roll my burning cheeks into the pillow, trying to ignore the damp heat between my legs, trying to think of absolutely anything else.
I know it’s going to be hard, but I have to try. I have to put him out of my mind.
I just have to bear with the torture for a while until I manage to actually do it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Finn
I touch Candy’s breasts, feel them fill my hands, rolling my palms over them. Her nipples are nubs that stand up under my touch, begging me to trace circles around them, to flick them with my tongue. I bury my face in them, reaching down to grab hold of her panties, to strip the last piece of clothing away from her so that I can –
No. I need to stop. I can’t think of her like this right now. It’s the morning, and I have to get up and try to put things right, even if it feels like there might not be any way to do that right now.
I reach for my phone and check for messages, but there are none. I’ll take a cold shower to get my mind off Candy, and then I have to get on with the things I need to do.
I feel the cold water sluicing over my skin, waking me up and cooling down the feverish thoughts that have haunted me all night. I called Lexie again and again last night, but she never answered. Eventually, I only hit voicemail – I guess she turned her phone off so that I would stop calling. I left her message after message, letting her know that I love her and that I will always be her father. I need her to understand that this doesn’t change a thing. We’re a family, and we always will be, no matter what else happens around us. I just have to hope she comes around to see it the same way.
