“We did share… a passionate moment,” James admitted at last, and he felt himself flush as he said it.
How foolish you are acting! Blushing like a maiden!
“Did you now?” Nathan’s eyes lit up. “Does that mean that you are close to resolving the matter we discussed last time? Are you and the Duchess growingcloser?”
The emphasis on that last word, and the boyish grin on his face, made what he meant quite plain.
“I regret telling you about that,” James huffed. “Although you have been a true friend and cousin in that you haven’t brought it up again until now.”
“I’m merely hoping that everything is settled now,” Nathan said. “It’s not healthy for a husband and wife to live separately. You said you weren’t suited for one another in that department, but if you already shared a passionate moment, then I hope that you were simply mistaken.”
James felt on the precipice of revealing everything. He was sick of holding it all in, sick of secrets and decades-old resentmenttowards his father. Part of him just wanted to admit to Nathan everything he was feeling.
“It’s my fault,” he said, at last.
He was going to choose to be brave. He was going to tell Nathan what was really going on, even if it killed him.
“I fear having children. My relationship with my father was very difficult. You know what an evil man he was, turning the duchy into a fertile ground for illegal businesses. You know how cruel he could be. And all he wanted, all he was ever obsessed with, was having heirs and passing on his title. I swore that I would put a stop to it all—both to the gangsters, the crimes, the exploitation of the tenants, and to his obsession with siring heirs.”
Nathan tilted his head to the side, taking this all in. “I suppose it’s a good thing I’m your cousin on your mother’s side,” he said with a smile. “Otherwise, if it was possible for me to inherit the duchy, I might have encouraged this outrageous line of thinking.”
Thomas smiled. “You are far too selfless to ever do that, even if you were my heir.”
“Well then, I have to tell you how incredibly outrageous this line of thinking is! You are ruining your one chance at happiness, and all for what? Revenge against your father?”
“It’s not just revenge,” James insisted. “I also fear that the same darkness that was in my father and me would be passed down to my son. You know how I can be sometimes. It’s not as if I got the nickname of the Devilish Duke by being generous, kind, and open-hearted. I can be cruel, Nathan. I can be vindictive. And I can be merciless.”
“Only towards those who deserve it,” Nathan pointed out. “I have never seen you act with cruelty towards anyone who was worthy of your respect. Nor would I describe you as vindictive! You are intent on shutting down your father’s illegal enterprises, yes, but you aren’t doing it just to avenge yourself. You’re doing it because it’s the right thing to do! And in the process, you’re helping your tenants and bringing stability to your duchy.”
“Then why am I known as the Devilish Duke?” James demanded. “That reputation didn’t just appear out of thin air.”
“Well, you can be a tad forceful,” Nathan admitted. “And you are merciless towards those who break the law or harm others. But is that such a bad thing? Besides, your enemies must have come up with the nickname to turn others against you.”
“Hmm. Perhaps.”
“And…” Nathan hesitated. “I think you have enjoyed it a little bit.”
“Me?” James stared at him, aghast. “I would never!”
“But you have,” Nathan said patiently. “You enjoy the reputation because it allows you to keep others at a distance.”
James fell silent as he thought this over.
Is it possible that Nathan is right? I want to be perceived as frightening so that others won’t dare get close to me?
He looked back up at his cousin. “Then that makes me no better than my father!” he protested.
“On the contrary,” Nathan argued, smiling warmly at his cousin. “Your father kept people at a distance because he didn’t care. He had no love in his bones. You try to keep others at a distance because you care too much. There is a very big part of you that loves deeply, James, but because of your father’s neglect, you’re afraid that you aren’t worthy of affection. So you push others away before they can reject you.”
“I’m not afraid of rejection!” James scoffed indignantly.
“Of course you are. That’s why you pushed me away for many years, and that’s why you are pushing Violet away. Because you love deeply and you are scared. And that’s very different from what your father would’ve felt.”
James felt as if he had been punched in the gut. Nathan’s words were so astute, so insightful, and yet he had never thought about it this way before. He had just assumed that there must besomething wrong with him because he didn’t want anyone to get too close.
He had just assumed he was like his father.
“How do you know there’s a part of me that loves deeply?” he asked, his voice low so that others wouldn’t hear them.
