His hand brushed against something in his pocket, and he found the sprigs of lavender she had picked for him. In his head, he heard her voice, counting as he breathed.
He breathed in deeply, the smell of lavender filling him. And somehow, inexplicably, it was mixed with violets. The pain eased, his heart calmed, and he opened his eyes.
“Something is different,” Dominic murmured.
“Talking to yourself dear cousin?” Frederick appeared, grinning at him. “How is your ‘fiancée’? The two of you put on quite some show. It is hard to believe there is nothing between you.”
“I am not so sure there is nothing between us,” Dominic admitted.
Frederick’s eyes widened. “What?”
“At least, I am not sure that I feel nothing for her. I… I do not know. Damn it, Frederick, how did I let this happen?” Dominic ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
“Let what happen?” Frederick asked.
“Whatever this is! I do not think I have ever been so worried as when I saw her fall and heard her cries of pain; all I wanted to do was keep her safe.” His heart ached as he thought of the pain she had been in and the way she had felt in his arms.It felt so good to be able to keep her safe.
“You say that like it is a bad thing.” Frederick frowned at him.
“Of course, it is a bad thing. This is supposed to be a temporary arrangement. Nothing more.” Dominic made a gesture with his hand, as though he were using it to cut something off. “And yet I find myself thinking of her often. And when I think of her, I want to be with her.”
“Well, that is hardly surprising; she is a rather fetching young woman.” Frederick grinned.
“Not in that way. I just… I enjoy spending time with her. I find her interesting.” Dominic sighed. “She makes me want a future.”
“Surely, that is a good thing?” his cousin sounded confused.
“If such a thing was something I could guarantee. But you know as well as I that it is not certain.” He saw graves in his mind.
“Just because your father and grandfather died young, does not mean you will.” Frederick put an arm on his shoulder.
“It does not mean I will not.” Dominic shook him off.He does not know about my fits.“Besides, I have seen what love can do. The pain it brought my mother. I will not put anyone through that.”
“But it also brought her great joy.”
“And then made her lose the will to live. You did not spend all your childhood trying to convince her to stay.” His voice broke. “And still, she did not.”
“Your mother is not Lady Charlotte. And she is not your mother,” Frederick said. “You do not know that is the future that awaits either of you.”
“It does not matter. The point is moot. I do not even know what it is that I am feeling for her. Perhaps it is just proximity?” Dominic shrugged.
He could see his mother in her death bed, remember the pain even more than the joy on her face as she slipped from this world into the next.I begged her to stay.
“Have you tried talking to her about this?” Frederick asked, his words banishing Dominic’s memories.
“God, no!” He laughed bitterly.
He did not want to imagine Charlotte’s face if he told her about this. He could not tell if it was more upsetting to imagine her unaffected or to imagine her being receptive.You are playing a dangerous game.
“Perhaps you should?” Frederick suggested.
“I could not do that; I would not even know where to begin.” Dominic waved a hand dismissively even as some part of him longed to act on his cousin’s suggestion.
“When I am unsure of my own thoughts, I find that writing them down can help. Perhaps you should try it? Write her a letter, and see if that makes things clearer.” Frederick paused and added, “You do not even have to send it if you do not wish to.”
“I suppose I could try it,” Dominic murmured, glancing up at the castle.Just writing the thing is unlikely to cause any harm.
“You should.” Frederick clapped him on the back. “Now, as pleasant as it is to hear about your lovesick troubles —”
