“Whatever it was, it was an accident,” she said, and she gripped his arm again. “I know you loved your brother! Even if his death was preventable, accidents happen, and you mustn’t believe that it makes you a monster.”
“You weren’t there, Rosalie,” he snapped. “You don’t know.”
“Then tell me!” she pleaded, and tears suddenly pricked her eyes. She stamped her foot on the ground. “Tell me so that I can reassure you it wasn’t your fault! Because I know you, Nathan, and there is no way you are the beast you think you are.”
But he was shaking his head. “You do not need to know the details, but I am telling you. I’m telling you that I killed my father and my brother, and that all the rumors about me are true: I am every bit as terrible as they say I am. Worse, in fact. If they knew the truth, then I would be thrown out of Society once and for all. And I would deserve it.”
“Please don’t say this,” she whispered. The tears were beginning to roll down her cheeks. “I don’t believe you, I really don’t; youare a good man. Maybe you made mistakes, but we can figure it out together. We can find redemption.”
He unfroze then, and one of his hands came to her chin. He cupped her jaw for a moment, and a shadow of tenderness passed over his face.
“I tried to change for you, you know,” he murmured. “I thought that if ever there was someone who could change me, it would be you and my feelings for you. But now, it is clear that you are only getting in the way. Or more accurately, that I am dragging you down with my villainy. If it weren’t for me, then Lord Cain wouldn’t have been able to sneak back into your life.”
“That isn’t true at all! Lord Cain would have tried anything to get me back, whether or not I was married to you! He is a devious, deceitful man, and if I hadn’t married you, he would probably be hounding me for my hand night and day.”
But he didn’t seem to be listening. “I promise you, Rosalie, that I will always protect you: from Lord Cain, from your father, and from anyone else who tries to harm you. No matter what, you will always have my protection.”
A great and terrible fear overcame her, and for a moment, she couldn’t breathe. “What are you saying?” she whispered. “Why are you talking like this, like you and I won’t be seeing each other any longer?”
“Because we won’t.” He dropped her chin just as the tears began to leak down her cheeks. “From now on, we will live separatelyso that you don’t get dragged into any more of these schemes that put you in harm’s way.”
“But—”
“You will go to live with one of your sisters. I will visit you from time to time to make sure that you are safe and well and that all your needs are being met, but other than that, we shall not meet each other.”
“Are you only saying this because you are worried about my safety?” she demanded. “Is that why you’re pushing me away? Because I know you care for me, Nathan. I felt it. Whenever you kiss me, I feel?—”
“There shall be no more of that,” he said sharply, cutting her off, and there was something final in his eyes now that made her feel like she might faint. A great pain had seized her heart. It was as if something inside her chest was ripping in two.
“There has to be more that you’re not telling me,” she said weakly. “Please. I know that you wouldn’t kill your father and brother.”
“That is enough,” he snapped. “I will not let you think these things; I will not allow you to make excuses for me. I have told you what you need to know so that you can live separately from me without any regrets; with relief, in fact.”
“But—” The sob was rising inside of her, and she knew that she couldn’t keep it in any longer.
“I will escort you to our carriage now which will take you to your sister Iris’ house. Then it will come back for me. You will not see me for a long time. I will make sure to stay clear of you until the current danger with Lord Cain has passed. Thank you for cooperating.”
Somehow, Rosalie managed not to sob as he escorted her from the ballroom, not touching her or looking at her. Somehow, she managed to keep it together as they waited for the carriage. It was only once she was alone inside of it and they were rattling over the cobblestones to Iris’ house that she let herself go and sobbed until she could sob no more.
She is in love with me. With me!Nathan couldn’t fully believe it. He stood at the entrance to Viscount Carfield’s mansion, watching Rosalie’s carriage rattling away through the night, and let the disbelief swirl inside of him.
Me. She lovesme.
Of course, she shouldn’t love him. Nathan was not worthy of the love of a woman like Rosalie, who was good and pure and selfless. He was the opposite, evil and polluted and selfish, and she deserved so much more. That’s why he’d lied to her. He had to keep her safe, and lying was his only choice. Not only safe from Lord Cain but safe from Nathan. Because while he hadbeen lying about the exact particulars of his father and brother’s death, the essence was the same: both were his fault, even if he himself had not done the deed.
Which is why Rosalie had to be kept away from him. He wasn’t worthy of her.
And yet, as he turned and began to walk back toward the house, he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he loved her as well. He had never loved anyone like he loved her. She was brave and funny and full of adventure. She was open to new experiences but proud of who she was. She was kind and generous. And he had hurt her.
With each step, he felt as if his heart was becoming heavier. The ache was almost unbearable, and as he approached the front door, he had to clasp his hand over his chest to keep it from ripping in two.
I hurt her, and even though it was for her own good, it feels as if it’s going to kill me. Is this what love feels like? If so, then I’m glad I shunned it in the past.
But he couldn’t have shunned it now, even if he’d tried. His love for Rosalie felt like an infection that the body was unable to fight. She was in his very veins.
“Your Grace.”
Nathan looked up to see that an officer he knew vaguely from Scotland Yard was approaching him from near the doorway.
