“I’m sorry,” I begin, raising my hands as I take a few tentative steps into the room. “I didn’t mean to?—”
“Were you spying on me?” he demands, anger and embarrassment lacing his tone.
“No, I was just…” Trailing off, I just meet his gaze, my eyes soft, while worry and pain and a terrible sense of helplessness strangle my chest. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” He lets out a harsh laugh.
Embarrassment and anger over the fact that I saw him like this mix with the usual hatred in his chest, and the combination of it all makes him look more unhinged than I have ever seen. He paces across the pale stone floor in front of me while an entire host of emotions fight for prevalence in his eyes.
At last, something inside him seems to snap.
“No, I’m not okay. I’m fucking tired!” His eyes wild, he swings out his arm and stabs it in the general direction of where everyone else is gathering. “Do you have any idea how fucking exhausting it is to always be the one in charge? To always be the one who needs to come up with all the plans and make sure that everything runs smoothly? To make sure that everyone else is working together and doing what they need to be doing instead of getting into fights over every fucking thing? To be the oneresponsible for seeing everything through. For checking everything. Planning. Organizing. Mediating. Delegating. Doing everything. Always being responsible for everything. While half of the world hates me for something that I couldn’t even control!”
Pain and a large amount of shame crawl up my throat, and I can’t get a single word out. I should’ve done more. I should’ve helped more. Taken on more responsibility. Planned more. Executed more.Donemore.
His chest heaves. He rakes his hands through his hair again before shaking his head at me. Desperation pulses in his eyes when he looks at me.
“And what makes it even worse is that I can’t even make sense of my own emotions anymore!” The words rip out of his chest, full of pain and confusion, as he stares at me. “I hate you so much, and I don’t even really understand why. I justhateeverything about you.” That terrible desperation creeps back into his eyes. “And at the same time, I want you so fucking badly that I can barely breathe. Which just makes me hate you even more. I’m just so fucking tired of it all!”
Each word hits me like a gut punch.
Because this is all my fault.
Iam the reason why he is struggling right now.
If I hadn’t forced that hatred into his chest, he wouldn’t be feeling this exhausted and confused and torn and overwhelmed right now.Idid that. I forced this hard existence onto him.
And completely without reason.
Because Orion was bluffing.
There was no curse on the portal. If I had stepped through it, Draven would’ve been fine. But I didn’t figure that out. I wasn’t smart enough to see through the lies and deceit. I just believed him. Just like I always believed everything that I was told while living in the Seelie Court. Like an ignorant child.
I thought I had grown. Changed. Become smarter. Better.Stronger. But I hadn’t. I ruined our relationship over nothing. I ruined it. I ruined everything.
That darkness inside me rises up like black tidal waves on all sides.
I hurt Draven. He is struggling and in pain because of what I did to him. And I can’t even try to comfort him. Can’t even try to help him. Because he hates me. Everything I do and everything I say will only make it worse.
I ruined it.
I ruined everything.
I always ruin everything.
That endless black ocean presses in on me, threatening to suffocate me, and that tiny light of hope flickers desperately in the darkness.
“Draven,” I begin, and I have to choke his name out through my strangled throat.
I don’t even know what I’m going to say. What can I say, at this point?
His wild eyes meet mine. Anger and embarrassment and exhaustion and panic and desperation still pulse across his face, making him look like he is one second away from snapping completely.
“Oi!” Alistair suddenly calls from somewhere down the hall. “We’re ready! Come on.”
In a heartbeat, Draven wipes that desperate expression off his features and slams his usual mask back on. Only power and complete control remain on his face as he abruptly spins on his heel and stalks out of the room without a second look back.
I stand there, feeling like my heart was just ripped out of my chest.
