‘Yes,’ said Dan. ‘I think so.’ He raised his eyebrows and smiled at the waiter who was hovering a few feet away. The waiter stepped forward and handed menus to them and then melted away. Dan opened his menu and blinked at the array of different teas on offer. He looked up at his father. They hadn’t been on their own together like this for years and Dan never studied him closely nowadays. His father was actually showing his age physically. His face was pretty lined and his hair was completely grey now. Dan had a sudden wave of memory of maybe the last time they’d sat together like this, just the two of them. His dad had taken him out for dinner to a smart restaurant in Cheltenham a few days after he’d finished his GCSEs. That had been a great evening. ‘I think I miss you,’ he said.
His father nodded, very slowly. ‘I know that I miss you,’ he said.
Dan looked back at his menu. What now? Where were they going to go with this conversation? He gestured at the page in front of him. ‘That’s a lot of teas,’ he said. ‘I’m more of a plain English breakfast man.’
His father smiled at him. ‘You never liked a lot of fuss. Like your mother, I suppose. Sasha would be the one who took after me with a liking for fancier things.’
Dan couldn’t smile back. Howdarehe just talk about Dan’s mother like that? In fact, why didn’t he justaskhim that question? Otherwise what was the point of being here? ‘Do you not feel bad, talking about Mum so casually? You betrayed her. You betrayed all of us.’
His father’s head shot up and he looked Dan right in the eye. Then he looked down again.
‘Yes, I do feel bad,’ he said. ‘I made a choice and it hurt a lot of people.’
‘Was it the right choice?’
‘Probably not.’
Dan looked down. He was holding the menu very tightly.
‘Why not?’ he asked.
His father pursed his lips and then twisted them. ‘I damaged my relationship with all of my children. And I feel that that probably damaged you. And children only get one father, whereas most people get more than one shot at love.’
‘From where I was standing, it looked like you took alotof shots at love,’ Dan said. Maybe that had been rude, but it felt like his mother had only had the one shot. Dan was pretty sure that more than one man had been interested in her since his father left, and she kept them all at arm’s length. ‘And I think you destroyed something in Mum, as well as in me.’
His father nodded. ‘I’d like to apologise,’ he said, ‘if that’s possible.’
‘Is it? Would you do the same again?’
His father pressed two fingers to his forehead for a moment. ‘Now, looking back, I don’t know. Your mother and I… we didn’t have the best relationship. All my doing. I think therefore that by staying I’d have destroyed my relationship with you no matter what. I should really have left when you were all little, so that you didn’t witness the deterioration of our marriage. I can never regret marrying your mother, of course, because we created four wonderful children together.’
‘Right.’ Dan suddenly really wanted just to leave. He stood up and pulled his wallet out of his pocket and put a twenty-pound note on the table. ‘For our tea,’ he said. ‘I have to go. Thank you for meeting me.’
‘We didn’t even order,’ his father said to his back. ‘And I wanted to pay.’
Dan didn’t turn round as he left.
He should have stayed. He should absolutely have stayed. Dan indicated left and pulled the car into a gateway in the narrow lane and took his phone out of his pocket. He sent one text to his father apologising for leaving so abruptly and thanking him for his time. And then he sent another to Evie to see if she was around to meet for a quick drink at some point today because he really needed to talk and she was the only person who knew about this.
* * *
‘Hey, Evie.’ Dan stood up as she walked over from the door to where he’d nabbed the sofa next to the pub’s open fire. ‘Thanks for agreeing to meet.’
‘It’s lovely to see you.’ She smiled at him and started to unwind a scarf – a different one from the one that she’d been wearing yesterday – from round her neck. God, this was ridiculous. Due to the direction his mind was taking, watching a woman wearing a jacket over jeans and boots take a scarf off was feeling like he’d ventured into a strip club. How couldscarfremoval seem erotic?
‘Can I get you a drink?’
‘Just a lime and soda would be lovely. The party I’m going to this evening is a gin cocktail one, and I’m a bit of a lightweight nowadays…’ She coughed and Dan tried to keep his face completely emotionless despite a wave of memories of Evie under the influence of cocktails washing over him. ‘So I’m not going to drink now.’
‘Very wise,’ he said. ‘Lime and soda it is.’ He wandered over to the bar, astonished by how much he wanted to turn back round and drink in the sight of Evie arranging herself on the sofa.
When he was back at the fire with the drinks, he put hers on her side of the table in front of them and sat himself on the opposite end of the sofa from her, angling himself so that they could talk comfortably. This was awkward. It didn’t normally take this much brain power trying to work out how to sit next to but not too close to someone.
‘Not sure why I didn’t just choose a table,’ he said. ‘Much easier to reach the drinks.’
‘You know Sasha and I used to come here really early in the evenings – late afternoon really –justso that we could get this sofa? It’sthebest seat inthebest pub,’ she said. ‘And here you are, dissing it, like one of the tables over there might be better. Honestly. No respect.’
Dan laughed and took a sip of his beer.
