‘It’s very late,’ she said, not moving in the direction of the beach. She also wasn’t moving in the direction of the house, which was something.
‘You can sleep on the plane tomorrow? It’s a lovely night. And I’d loveto walk if you’d like to?’ He held his arm out.
Lily looked at it for a long moment and then took it.
They strolled through trees in silence for a minute or two, the only sounds the lapping of the water and the occasional rustle of leaves and branches from a nocturnal animal.
‘Weird to think that in under twelve hours’ time we’ll be in the middle of Athens airport,’ Lily said. ‘A world away.’ Yeah, and most of that time would be taken up with sleeping and packing and having breakfast and being at the airport with the others. So, no time to waste.
He was going to go straight in with the conversation. With his thoughts. Really, nothing to lose at this point, and so much to gain. And it felt a bit easier saying stuff while you were walking and it was dark and you couldn’t see each other’s faces.
‘I had a question that I wanted to ask.’ He could feel her stiffen immediately. Fair enough, but he was going to plough on. The worst that could happen would be that she’d refuse to engage. ‘Although I’m not sure how to word it. I suppose I wondered whether the idea of talking about your feelings, hurt, pain, fear, makes you scared that other people will think differently about you, or whether admitting to those feelings will make you feel differently about yourself.’
‘Oh.’ She paused, for ages. ‘Okay,’ she said eventually. ‘So, yep, basically, yes, I’m scared that people will think differently about me if I start talking in too much detail about my weaknesses, I suppose. And, yes, that wouldn’t make me feel good about myself.’
‘Weakness is a strong word. At the risk of interfering, I’m not sure you should think of those emotions as weaknesses. Being sad or upset or whatever isn’t a weakness or failing, it’s just part of normal human life, isn’t it? And you’re the same person as the ill child you used to be, surely? The same gorgeous sense of humour? The same caring nature? The same tendency to laugh when you really shouldn’t? Surely the only difference is that when you were ill you didn’t have the opportunityto get to know people well, or they didn’t have the opportunity to get to knowyou, plus you weren’t ableto do what everyone else did, so they assumed that you didn’t want to join in when it was just that you couldn’t?’
‘Um.’
God, maybe he’d been too bulldozing. And, also, he was pretty sure that conversations like this shouldn’t be one way.
‘Sorry. I’m clearly talking way more about you than you’d like right now,’ he said. ‘I think when I was young, when we were together, I was very naïve. I’d never really experienced anything difficult. It was easy for me to talk about everything in my life, because I didn’t have a lot of deep and meaningful stuff going on really. I’ve learned quite a lot since then. Getting hurt, and betrayed, makes you grow up. I didn’t understand then how people might be a lot deeper, basically, than I was. And how sometimes people just don’t want to talk. Last week, Carole tried to talk to me about my marriage and my relationship with you, and I just shut her down. Not as open as I thought I was.’
‘So.’ Lily cleared her throat. He wished he could see her face properly. Maybe it actually would have been better having this conversation inside with some lights on. ‘What are you trying to say?’
‘Erm.’ Oh God, oh God, oh God. It feltso importantto get these words right. ‘I’ve spent eight years wanting to know why we split up. And I think that I’ve finally worked out what it was. Essentially, I didn’t understand why someone – you, I mean – wouldn’t just be an open book. But I didn’t even know that I didn’t understand that. And then you pointed that out to me, last week, and I thought how ridiculous. Until I thought about it and realised thatno one’sreally an open book. And you’d just had a lot more to deal with when you were younger than I had. And we weren’t able to spend enough time together for me to get that. I think what I’m trying to say is that I really, really love you and that I think, hope, I’ve had enough life experience now to be more understanding.’
Lily didn’t speak for a while. For far too long, actually; Matt’s stress levels were going to be stratospheric soon. And then she said, ‘Wow,’ and sniffed.
Matt looked down. Her cheeks were definitely damp. He stopped walking and reached for her hand and gave it a gentle tug so that she was facing him. Very carefully, with his thumbs, he wiped the tears from under her eyes. Then he slid his hands round so that they were cupping her face.
Lily gave a huge sigh and smiled through the tears that were still falling.
And, suddenly, everything seemed as though it could be alright, and, still taking huge care and moving very slowly, he lowered his head to hers and kissed her.
Nineteen
Lily
Lily sank into Matt’s kiss like it was the only place in the world she was meant to be. He’d made everything sound so simple. Like, they were meant to be together and maybe it had just taken a bit of time to work things out. Were things really that simple? It was hard to process thoughts when you were kissing like this. She gave up on the thinking and just went with the kissing.
And everything else that followed.
‘Remember,’ breathed Matt, as he traced along Lily’s collarbone and into the hollows of her neck, and down, ‘that time in the woods?’
‘Mmm.’ Lily remembered – it had been mind-blowing – but she was really struggling to form words. She was basically panting. She started to undo his belt.
‘Too sandy.’ Matt was panting too.
‘Mmm. Find some grass.’
And it was the best sex of Lily’s life. Three times.
They were still there, under palm trees, on what turned out in daylight to be a grassy dune, when the sun began to come up.
‘Oh my God.’ Lily looked round for her dress. ‘People mightseeus.’
‘Ican see you.’ Matt’s slow smile was justwicked. He pulled her towards him and began working some serious magic on her body again.
