I let a huge breath out when he’s gone and then open my own bag. I get out my toiletries and pyjamas and then sit very upright (I don’t know why) on my bed (it seems that mine is the one to the left of the door as you look in and Callum’s is the one on the other side; there’s no discernible difference between them so that, at least, wasn’t awkward) and read my Kindle while I wait for Callum to come back.
He’s back far too soon.
‘Hi, that was quick,’ I say very brightly, and switch my Kindle off (I don’t need him to know that I’m reading a very spicy TikTok-made-me-buy-it romance, which is definitely aimed at younger women in their late teens and early twenties but which I amloving), place it face down on the table, stand up and leave the room without really looking at him.
I take my time in the bathroom because I feel like I need to be properly prepared for the oddness of sleeping in the same room as Callum again. The last time we slept in the same room we were in the same bed and lay with our limbs all tangled together.This time we will of course be as far from tangled as humanly possible.
Walking back along the corridor, I congratulate myself for my foresight in keeping my bra on under my pyjamas, because I don’t want any jiggling to happen, and I wonder whether we’ll talk at all before we put the light out. Should we say goodnight to each other? Yes, I think we should. Weird not to. Should we discuss what time we’re going to set our alarms for? Honestly, there are a lot of decisions to be made.
I’m still not sure what the answers to any of my questions are when I do a little tap on the door and then another one when there’s no answer. Eventually, I just go in.
The room’s in darkness and Callum’s breathing deeply and slowly and regularly and just audibly. All I can see of him in the very dim light coming through from corridor is the vague outline of a mound on his bed.
So there we go. Callum has gone straight to sleep. We have not had a particularly tiring day. He can’t be that worn out. He must just genuinely have been relaxed enough to nod off at his normal time.
Well.
I am of course pleased for him because I wouldn’t want to wish a bad night’s sleep on anyone.
I am also of course pleased for myself because I was kind of dreading the weird bedroom chat, like any ex couple would.
However.
I am a teensy bit offended if I’m honest that he has so few feelings left for me that he can just go to sleep instead of lying awake thinking about the fact that I am in the same room as him, just a few feet away.
I get into my own bed and look across at the Callum mound.
If I lie right on the edge of my mattress and stretch my arm out I could almost touch him. That’s how close we are.
And he’sasleep.
Well, fine.
I will also just go straight to sleep.
The bed’s very hard, though.
And Callum and I are in the same room.
What’s it going to be like in the morning?
Oh my God. Morning breath. Not something I’ve ever really worried about. But that stew was garlicky. And I don’t want Callum to think I’vedevelopedmorning breath issues since we split up. Maybe I’ll get up before him and sneak off and clean my teeth. How will I know what time he’s set his alarm for, though? Why didn’t I think to put any mints in my bag? Actually, what am I worrying about, anyway? It isn’t like we’re going to bekissingor anything, is it? Yep, nothing to worry about.
Why did Callum just go to sleep so easily?Why?
Okay. I’m going to read my Kindle and that will make me sleepy like it always does.
A long, long time later I’ve nearly finished my book and I have to say I’m enjoying it alotless with Callum lying in the bed opposite me. There’s far too much very explicit description of sex. I don’t want to think about actual bodily parts when I’m in the same room as Callum. What if he wakes up and somehow sees what I’m reading?
I don’t want to finish it, actually. I go to my Kindle library and look for something else.
I start a biography of the suffragette Emmeline Pankhurst that I downloaded quite a long time ago and haven’t ever got round to starting, even though it sounds fascinating.
But oh myGod, it’s dull. Perfect for sending me to sleep, you would think, but no, because it turns out that there is nothing short of a serious anaesthetic that could have me nodding off right now.
I’m so tired. I’m so bored. And I’m sostillthinking about Callum being just on the other side of the room.
I can hear him breathing. Slow and steady and deep. Bastard.Howdid he get to sleep?
