That does not mean that we should ever be together again.
It doesn’t mean anything. Other than that I should really not see her again after this for my own sanity.
What I do realise, and should have decided long ago, is that if Emma still has any kind of feelings at all for me, I do owe her the courtesy ofexplaining.
I’m going to do it by the end of the trip. Tomorrow, ideally.
10
EMMA
‘Ouch, ouch, ouch.’ My sides are properly aching and I definitely have tears in my eyes.
I haven’t laughed this hard for a long time.
I think I might have been a bit hysterical.
Which would not be surprising.
Because.
Earlier this evening I was effectively told by the man who I have always believed was the love of my life that, after I said you have to sort your life out or we have to split up because I can’t do this wildness any more, he immediately cleaned himself up –immediately– and… stayed away from me. He did not come back. He did not say thank you for the ultimatum and you were right and I love you and let’s be together happily ever after. He stayed away.
That begs some questions.
Like: did he not love me as much as I loved him; did he not love me at all; did he think I was thecauseof the wildness and that heneededto stay away? Did he only love me when he was drunk? Did he…
Okay, no, I’m not going there now.
I think I’ll be going there later, when I’m alone.
But now would be a very bad idea because I don’t want to be crying from sadness instead of laughter infrontof him.
Callum’s also calming down. He’s just looking at me with a half-smile on his face. I really can’t tell what’s in his mind. Is he thinking about us? Or is he just thinking that that’s the nicest lemon tart he’s ever had and wondering whether his Italian’s good enough to ask for the recipe?
I have no idea. I don’t know anything about him at all. And I didn’t even know him when we were together and I thought we told each other everything and were everything to each other.
I’m so far from laughing now it’s like our mirth happened in a different century. I actually don’t know how I’ve managed to suck my misery inside me during our dinner and hold off on just bawling my eyes out.
I’ve always imagined that perhaps he never did fully get his act together, or that he did but that he was unhappy. I thought alcoholism might have played a part in his struggles. I’m very happy for him, of course, that he was able to improve things so quickly.
But.
It hurts. Very much. That he never got in touch with me again.
Why were we laughing just now, actually? Oh yes. Memories. The most inappropriate song possible for us to have to listen to this evening.
I think it’s time to go. I take my cross-body bag from the back of my chair and put it over my head.
‘I’ll get the bill,’ Callum says.
‘That’s very kind,’ I say very politely. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course.’
We sit there in horrible silence while the bill paying happens, and then stand – still in excruciating silence – to go.
I turn in the direction we came from. Obviously we’re going to walk straight back to the hotel and I’m going to cry a lot and then…
