‘It’s difficult,’ he says.
He looks truly tortured. I take pity on him.
‘I do now kind of understand why you didn’t get back in touch,’ I say. ‘Thank you for telling me, for being honest with me.’
‘Yeah, no, I…’ He’s still almost wincing.
‘There’s something I should tell you too,’ I interrupt, not wanting him to feel the full burden of guilt. ‘I missed you for a long time.Solong. And because we never split up formally, it was like we were “on a break” but not. I felt for a long time that I would be being unfaithful to you if I dated anyone else. But one day, like you, I just did.’
Callum tries to interject but I’m determined now. I want to tell him.
‘And I did get engaged,’ I say. ‘To someone called Dev. We broke it off a few months ago and that’s why I took this trip. And you were part of me taking the trip. Because when I… split up with him—’ it turns out that I can’t admit to Callum now that he was kind of the reason I broke up with Dev, because when he proposed I realised that I didn’t love him as much as I used to love Callum ‘—he said I was always kind of careful with my decision-making, not very spontaneous, and that always made me think of you. I always used to feel that I was kind of holding you back from your fun in a way, that I should maybe have been less uptight in some ways. Seize the day. And that was kind of what this trip was about.’
I shiver, remembering how I’d thought about Callum then: that, even though it was probably just the first-love phenomenon, it didn’t feel right to marry Dev when Callum was the person who entered my thoughts at that moment. And then after that it was Callum who I couldn’t stop thinking about, not Dev.
‘Oh.’ Callum shakes his head. ‘I know I keep saying it but I’m so sorry. You were perfect when we were together. You weren’t holding me back. You didn’t need to seize the day any more than you already had.’ He looks at me. ‘Have you enjoyed the trip though?’
He has this eager, questioning, eyebrows-raised, eyes-wide-open look, like he can’t bear the answer to be no.
‘Yes. I have.’ The last couple of days, with him, have been kind of tricky and really not what I was expecting, obviously, but yes, I really have enjoyed it.
‘Well… good, then.’
‘Yeah. You know, I think this trip has made me kind of contented, happy. And seeing you has been really good too, actually.’ I realise that overall I do very much mean it. ‘Havingthis conversation has been great. I feel as though I’ve finally got closure. Thank you. It was very kind of you to tell me that.’
‘Well, no, I…’
‘Honestly, there’s no need to say anything else.’ I smile at him and he presses his lips together for a second and then smiles back. ‘Thank you again.’
‘Really,reallystop thanking me,’ he says.
‘Okay.’ I feel suddenly kind of giddy, like I’ve just heard some very exciting and happy news. I feel justlighter. ‘Shall we go and see the Ponte Vecchio?’
Callum hesitates and then smiles again. ‘Good idea. I think we continue down this road and then right.’
As we walk, I say, ‘Obviously I totally understand if you don’t want to continue in the van with me, and maybe you’ll be able to get a train or a coach or something from Florence—’ there’s no sign of flights being back on any time soon according to the news ‘—but if you would like to continue you’re very welcome to come with me. And I can easily go straight back to London so it doesn’t take you too long.’
And then we won’t see each other again, I imagine, but right now I’d be happy to have him along.
‘I’d love to continue with you but please, please don’t change your plans,’ he says. ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d be very happy to amble across France with you.’
‘You’re saying Iamblewhen I drive?’
‘I mean, yes? It’s like we’re going up the motorway on a very slow-moving and nothugelycomfortable sofa?’
‘Rude,’ I gasp, and elbow him hard in his side.
He laughs. ‘You know what, I’m genuinely fond of Miranda now. And, yes, I really would love to continue in the van if that’s alright.’
‘Great,’ I say. And I mean it.
11
CALLUM
Emma looks up at me, a smile tugging at her lips, and I put my arm around her shoulders to pull her in for a brief hug; it feels as though we need to mark the moment somehow, and a hug seems natural.
At first it’s just a quick, friendly, ‘wow we had a big conversation that was long overdue’ type hug. I think.
