‘Of course.’ I sit back down so fast that the whole bed rocks a little when I make contact.
‘I would still be grateful if I could get the full facts from you so that I have actual closure,’ she tells me. ‘I’m assuming we won’t be seeing each other again and I don’t want to be lying awake at night wondering anything. Being selfish.’
‘That is not selfish.’
I want to hug her so very, very much, but I know it’s the last thing I should do.
‘Thank you.’ She doesn’t smile. ‘How old is Thea?’
‘Ten.’
‘Where does she live?’
‘London.’
‘Was she a contributory factor in you sorting yourself out and getting your law job?’
‘Nope. That was all because of you. Although obviously she’s an incredibly strong impetus for me to live the best life I can now.’ I realise as Emma flinches that that sounds awful; it sounds as though my best life could not include her. ‘My best lifewouldinclude you,’ I hasten to clarify. And then I realise that that was yet another spectacularly stupid thing to say. ‘But I can’t be with you.’
‘Right.’ She looks at me for a long moment, her features rigid, and then asks, ‘Because of Thea?’
I shake my head, mutely.
‘So why can you not be with me?’ She pauses and I see her swallow and I feel my eyes heat with tears that I cannot be self-indulgent enough to shed. ‘Sorry, that sounded ridiculous. If you don’t want to be with me then you should not be with me. Obviously. I would never, ever wish to make anyone be withsomeone they don’t want to be with. You don’t want to be with me. I understand that that is a fact and I do of course accept it.’
Fuck. Ihateher dignity. I’d rather she be really angry and shouty.
‘But,’ she continues, ‘I would like, if you’re able to tell me, to knowwhyyou feel you don’t want to be with me. Because weweretogether for a long time, and I always felt that we would have stayed together if I hadn’t lost it and been unable to deal any more with your wildness. I thought thatifyou sorted yourself out you’d come back. But you didn’t, and then we met again and I feel as though we fell in love all over again this week, but you don’t want to be with me and I suppose I would just like to know the reason for that. Not because I’m trying to change your mind – because I wouldn’t like to do that. I would only want someone to want to be with me because theywantedto.’
I can see out of the corner of my eye the clock on the mantelpiece. I know it’s right because I looked at it yesterday evening when we were going out. The clock tells me that if I don’t leave pretty much now I’m going to struggle to make my train.
I owe this to Emma, though. I love her. I want to upset her as little as possible. I want her to have her closure and never think about me again. And oh God ithurtsto think of her not thinking of me again. But that would be best for her.
‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ I say.
‘Right.’ Her eye-roll comforts me a little, the fact that she’s capable of something more than total grief right now. I just cannot bear to ruin her life.
‘The reason that I cannot be with you is that I cannot bear to hurt you.’
Emma just raises her eyebrows.
‘I never stay with any woman for long,’ I try to explain. ‘When I was young I was beyond stupid, as we know. I wreck things. I wreck relationships. I wreck other people’s happiness. I don’twant to do that to you. It’s like… it’s like when I’m happy I begin to do things that destroy it. And that hurts people. And I never want to hurt you.’
‘You’re hurting me now.’
‘Yes, but when I leave, you’ll get over me.’
‘Like I got over you last time?’ Emma claps her hand over her mouth. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry. I do not want to emotionally blackmail you into staying with me.’
‘You aren’t,’ I say. She isn’t, because my mind is made up.
‘I don’t really understand what you’re talking about,’ she says.
‘It’s hard to articulate.’
It is. It’s very clear in my head but I just can’t say it right, no matter how many times I try.
‘Can I ask one more question?’
