Isobbedin the shower – huge, fat, chest-heaving tears – and then I hauled myself and my case to the van and then – standingthere in that car park feeling like total crap – I decided that I was not going to leave Paris before I’d seen some of it by myself.
This is, objectively, a beautiful city. I’d like to experience more of it. I’d likenotto have my memories of it wrecked by Callum.
I mean, Iwillalways think of him in Paris, obviously. But I would like to be able to come back here and see more of the city andenjoybeing here.
So I decided to go for a walk. And then I thought I might be hungry – I said thank you but no thank you to Callum’s offer of room-service breakfast in the hotel (I feelrubbishin hindsight about staying with him in all those lovely hotels, paid for by him) – so I bought a croissant because I found myself juststaringat the various panini and baguette choices and realised that choosing sandwich fillings was one decision too many for me today.
And here I am, holding my greasy croissant bag, hiding my misery under my thankfully large and very dark sunglasses.
A couple maybe fifteen feet to my right suddenly make a commotion: it’s a man and a woman, of around my age, and she’s flung her arms round his neck while screaming and he has his face buried in her hair and is swinging her round and round, her feet off the ground.
He puts her down after a lot of swinging, perhaps a minute – how are they not now falling over? They must haveexcellentbalance – and they stand together, arms round each other, beaming.
Maybe they’ve just got engaged or agreed to move in together or decided to try for a baby.
All things that I am never going to do with Callum.
I am such an idiot thinking this could work out. I’ve had so many stupid happily-ever-after fantasies over the past few days.
What. An. Idiot.
There were a lot of clues. Like the fact that hetoldme in the caravan that he couldn’t commit. And my own unease in Burgundy.
I think back to when Callum told me he loved me in the Eiffel Tower restaurant. I didn’t think about the wording or the sound of his declaration, the way his voice cracked; all I heard was theI love you. Because I’m stupid and Iwantedto hear it and I didnotwant to question the love.
Thinking about it, Callum didn’t make any promises. He was – I now realise with hindsight – very carefulnotto do that.
I feel a tear begin to trickle down behind my sunglasses. And then another.
Eurgh. I’m startled out of my self-absorption by a pigeon landing close to me, followed by another, attracted I think by a discarded baguette end. I really don’t like being that close to birds.
These pigeons aresoaccustomed to humans.
I think about talking to Callum on the beach about birds, and sniff.
I said then that I wouldn’t like to be a bird, and I’m sticking with that. I’d be really bored.
I love being a human. There’s so much we can do.
And we only get one life.
And what am Idoing, shaping up to wastemoreof my one life pining over Callum?
I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to pine.
I’m going to thank him in his absence for the great conversation and the company on the journey and the amazing sex and the very competent map reading and the lovely hotels and dinners. I’m going to chalk it up to life experience and I’m going to behappy. Entirely without him. This time, Idohave closure and I’m going to do what you’re supposed to do with closure: grab hold of it and move forward with your life.
I’m going to find myself a cheap hotel for tonight and do some sightseeing for the rest of today and tomorrow morning, and then I’m going to drive back home.
And when I get home, I’m going to organise lots of things with my friends. Maybe I’ll take up some new hobbies, like padel tennis or Zumba. Maybe something creative like pottery. And I’m definitely going to do some more travelling in the future. There’s a lot to look forward to. Beginning with the christening I’m going to on Sunday in the Cotswolds. I’m going to be godmother and it will be lovely to see everyone there.
Wow, I realise I didn’t even tell Callum about that. We literally did not even talk about immediate weekend plans after we got back. We knownothingabout each other’s lives now.
The signs were all there. It was just a holiday fling.
And I’m going to befine.
In the spirit of being fine, I’m going to get back on top of my admin before finding a hotel and maybe going to the Louvre or another museum this afternoon. Also, scrolling through my phone is quite a good distraction.
