I eventually manage to sidle round the edge of the group to have a separate word with Emma.
‘How have you been?’ I immediately wonder why it was that I was so keen to speak to her in the first place, because this suddenly feels overwhelming and I just want to run for the hills. ‘You look well.’
Pink suits her.Everycolour suits her, actually.
She’s wearing wide jeans and a short, pale pink jumper, and she has her beautiful thick hair up in a highish ponytail with a big pink scrunchie round it, and she has very nice pink lipstick on; she’s making every woman in the room who’s wearing a dress look overdressed and the few people in the room (like me) who haven’t done the pink thing look like they haven’t made enough effort. Basically, she looks perfect, and no one else does, because no one else is her.
Basically, I’m an infatuated idiot. What I should do, for both our sakes I’m guessing, isnottry to start a lengthy conversation with her.
Emma looks up at me properly for the first time since I walked over and very suddenly my whole body goes cold. Her eyes look slightly damp and they only meet mine for a second before they slide away, and her features are just… frozen. She looks… stricken. And I obviously can’t tell for certain but I’m pretty sure that it’s seeing me that’s caused her to look like this.
And all at once, I see things clearly, for the first time in twelve years.
I’m a complete idiot.
Emma’s hurt. And I know that I hurt her.
I told her we couldn’t be together because I didn’t want to hurt her and because I didn’t want to get hurt when things finished. And I believed what I said.
But she’s hurt anyway. And I’m not exactly loving life at the moment. I mean, I can keep myself more than busy with Thea and work and exercise and friends, but it’s only the time I’m spending with Thea when I’m really living. The rest of it, the keeping myself busy, it’s like I’m just killing time. Until what?Forwhat?
Emma visibly straightens and looks back into my eyes for a moment and does a half-smile. ‘I see you read the dress code.’
‘Yeah,’ I say, relieved, because small talk is going to be a lot easier than dealing with my thoughts right now. ‘I was in a rush and didn’t make it past the date, time and venue. You know what’s really ridiculous? I bought a new pink shirt literally the other day.’
Emma shakes her head, sorrowfully, looking a lot happier now that we’re definitely talking about absolutely nothing remotely important or related tous. ‘Rose is going to be really offended if you aren’t careful. I’m not sure you’re going to be her favourite godparent if you carry on like this.’
‘Hey. I can be a favourite godparent.’
I am good at this. I can totally do acquaintance-style chat with Emma.
‘Really. What present did you buy?’ Her smile’s very smug. She’s definitely bought something amazing.
‘In my defence, I’ve been very busy.Reallybusy.’
Emma mock-horrified gasps and narrows her eyes. ‘Did you… give her money?’
‘I mean… everyone likes money to spend?’
‘Yes, I see her now on the Tube by herself next week on the way to Westfield with cash burning a hole in her pocket. Oh, no, wait, that won’t be for at least another thirteen years I’d say?’
I’m not going to take this lying down. ‘You scoff, but thinking of future Rose, and Azim’s excellent eye for an investment, she’s going to be very grateful to me when sheisfourteen, because by then this money, and any other monetary gifts I thoughtfully give her for every single Christmas and birthday, will be worth alot, and she will therefore have alotof fun in Westfield in her teens courtesy of me.’
I smile triumphantly because that’s a great spur-of-the-moment argument.
‘I feel like one-year-olds are famously quite big into instant gratification, though?’
‘Well, maybe that isn’t healthy; maybe godparents should be teaching them a bit of restraint and financial prudence.’
‘Oh, please. Basically, I have an amazing,actualpresent and you do not.’
I relent, because she obviously really wants to boast. ‘Okay, what is your amazing present?’
Emma’s smile is incredibly smug now. ‘It’s over there. The best one.’
I look over to the present table.
‘Not…?’ There’s an enormous, unwrapped present, which is clearly going to be hands-down the best one of the day, given the party theme and Rose’s clear preferences. It’s a gigantic, incredibly fluffy pink toy bunny. It’s almost as big as Emma.
